5 Coping Strategies for loving someone experiencing depression
Suffering with depression is incredibly difficult and painful. However, the second most painful and difficult position is experienced by the person trying to love their partner, child, parent or best friend experiencing depression. In a way, it could be easier for the person who is suffering from depression, as they are able to seek out different methods that can help them to feel better. They can even go as far as trying something similar to the mataro blue strain to relieve some of their symptoms, even if it’s just for a while and until they can find a more permanent solution. Meanwhile, it can be harder for the family and loved ones of the person who is going through depression as they may not know how to handle the situation.
The rejection is heart-breaking. Feeling like your presence (doing anything in your ability to help) makes your partner worse or doesn’t matter at all really hurts.
In this blog we will explore strategies that will support you during the difficult times caused by depression.
Strategy #1: Do not take it personally
Nothing that is expressed or takes place during your loved one’s depression is personal.
When they reject you, and they will, IT IS NOT PERSONAL.
Rejection has nothing to do with you. Isolation is an instinctive response to suffering and depression.
Rejection can also be seen as an act of protection. Your loved one does not want to hurt you. The only thing depression can do is hurt you. Everything that is said is a reflection of the depression – the fear, the anxiety, the panic and the pain. It’s a very heavy load, if you take it personally, the load will become yours.
When someone is experiencing depression they experience the inability to be themselves and it feels permanent. When they can’t be themselves with you (ie. be loving with you) it hurts them more and makes the depression feel worse.
People often share with me that their loved one experiencing depression is able to talk with casual friends and acquaintances and that those people are helpful and it hurts.
My response to that is that partners, parents, children and best friends are different from casual friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Partners etc get to actually see the depression.
Casual friends, colleagues and acquaintances get to see your loved one’s “representative”. They get to see your loved one pretend to not be depressed. They get to distract your loved one. If your loved one does talk with them about their feelings, they’re not dragging them through the mud the way they do with you. Instead, they give their friends the “I’m struggling, but look how well I’m handling it” story.
Casual friends don’t know that when you’re loved one gets home that they can’t get off the couch and wish they were dead. Of course your loved one feels better when they get to pretend that they are okay.
Strategy #2: Accept that you cannot make your loved one be “not depressed” or feel good
This is a really hard thing for anyone to accept. Depression hurts not only the one experiencing it, but it also hurts the people who love them the most. Here is a metaphor that I share that has helped people develop acceptance of this statement:
When we come into life we are all given two things: a shovel and a bucket of shit.
It doesn’t matter in life that we have a bucket of shit. We all have it. We always will. It never goes away and no matter what you do the shit will always be there.
What matters is what we do with our shovel.
Some will use their shovel to take their own shit and put it in other people’s buckets. They never actually can get rid of their shit, they simply make other people feel like crap.
Some will use their shovel to stick in other people’s shit and then put other people’s shit in their own bucket.
Others will first use their shovel to cover their bucket from giving others shit and receiving other people’s shit and then figure out what they can grow with the shit that they have.
If you stick your shovel in your loved one’s shit who is experiencing depression, it doesn’t make the depression go away. It just puts the depression in your own bucket and adds to your shit.
You cannot make flowers grow in a bucket of shit that is not your own.
Instead of “making it better” take the pressure off yourself to fix it by:
Simply being with the person you love.
Sitting beside them.
Holding their hand.
Rubbing their head and their feet.
Validating their feelings. What they are experiencing is horrible.
Reminding them that what they are experiencing is temporary.
This won’t make the depression go away, but it will help them get through the suffering.
Strategy #3: Perspective: Depression is in a relationship with the person you love, not the person you love
Your loved one is not depressed. Depression is NOT who they are. Your loved one is experiencing depression.
They are in a relationship with depression that has them captured or held hostage. Its a bad relationship. A relationship that isn’t easy to get out of. However, depression affects them and when they have the strength they can affect depression.
It can help your loved one to hear that you know that this is not who they are and that you love them. It is also important for your loved one to know that you love them even though they are not themselves.
Of course they won’t respond the way you want them to…with love, affection and appreciation. However, deep down beneath all of the numbness, pain, anxiety, fear etc…your loved one is still there and need to be loved.
Strategy #4: Interpreting Rejection
When your loved one is in a depression rejecting you and pushing you away as best they can. They’re not saying, “I need you and want more of you.” It would be easy to allow their rejection to cause you to dive into a depression yourself and feel heart-broken.
Here’s an alternative interpretation to their rejection:
“I need to be alone.”
Interpretation: “I need to escape this by sleeping as much as possible. I can’t escape it as easily if you’re here talking with me about it. Why don’t you go do something you need to do for yourself.”
“I’d rather be with my friends [than you].”
Interpretation: “When I’m with my friends, it distracts me from how horrible I feel. My friends don’t ask me how I’m feeling. They don’t ask me if anything is wrong. If they see something is wrong, they wait until I share. If I don’t share, they don’t ask…they just keep talking about themselves.”
“I don’t know if I want our relationship.”
Interpretation: If your relationship was in good standing when your loved when went into the depression…”I’m not myself. I don’t like who I am being. This is not who I want to be. I don’t want to treat you this way. This feels permanent. If this is how I will always treat you. I don’t want to be with you.”
“You don’t make me feel better.”
Interpretation: “You can’t make me feel better even though you really try to. When I am with you, I still feel so depressed because I don’t get to pretend to be okay when I’m with you. When I’m with you I’m stuck feeling whatever I feel and there is nothing you can do to make me feel better.”
Strategy #5: Your Own Self-Care
When your loved one is experiencing depression, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better. You can’t. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.
It is incredibly difficult to not be sucked in by the depression of your loved one because of how much you care. It is your responsibility to not be sucked in. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.
Think about what soothes you, brings you joy, and nurtures you.
Here are some areas of self-care to explore:
Exercise / Movement
Being in nature / Being outside
Attitude of gratitude and appreciation
Forgiveness
Connection with others
Being Creative / Artistic
Self-Expression / Journaling
Therapy
Games / Playing
Cooking / Eating healthy
Conscious breathing
Meditation / Guided meditation / Yoga
Depression is incredibly hard on everyone involved. When you are loving someone with depression it is so important that you make the time to love yourself, to nurture yourself, and receive support in a way that is fulfilling to you.
Thank you so much for this post, I expect I’ll be returning to it frequently.
If you don’t take it personally and go with the flow you take pressure off them. They open up to you and you have a good strong relationship. Your happier, they feel supported and appreciate you trying to understand them. Just be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day 🙂
Like many people here I came across this by accident while researching what and who can help me…. my wife of ten years is suffering from hideous depression and anxiety, I can no longer reach her, it’s starting to affect our daughter and I feel like I’ve run out of me – my energy and support has felt like running our, so this has been a very timely reminder to look after me.
I totally agree, just stumbled upon this site. What great advice.
I rarely comment on articles i read across the internet but this was by far the most helpful piece I have read.Very well written and by far the most accurate concerning a spouse suffering from depression. Really helped me gain an understanding and put my nerves and concerns at ease. Hit the nail right on its’ head! Thank you!
I agree, a huge reassurance for us partners being constantly pushed away. Provides us with some faith that they can return and that the rejection is not personal! No matter how horrendous that pain of rejection is!
I agree, a huge reassurance for us partners being constantly pushed away. Provides us with some faith that they can return and that the rejection is not personal! No matter how horrendous that pain of rejection is!
Unfortunately, I can’t help but take the rejection personal because it seems so real and personal! My ‘ex’ roommate-best friend does not treat her new friends and acquaintances the same as she does to me. She claims that she can’t afford to waste any more time struggling with me in arguments — when I mistakenly demanded a fair and better treatment from her in our apt. I think I must have picked up depression later on when I felt heart-broken by her rejection.
I have been searching for these “answers” for the longest time. Every night I search through Pinterest, Google, and blogs looking for answers to why my husband is pushing me away when he needs me the most and can finally breathe a little easier after reading this.
Thank you!
My boyfriend broke up with me about a year ago, we had been dating for only six month. It was out of the blue, but now I know it was because of his depression and that he did not want to treat me the way he did, but he also couldn’t change it. Anyhow we got back together around Christmas and everything was perfect. It was like the perfect second chance.
But now he had another breakdown, and it is really serious now. He talks about it with me, and he says he doesn’t want to push me away but I am so scared that he will do it anyway.
I just want to say I am so proud of all of you who posted their stories here. depression is a bitch not only for our loved ones but also for us. I am so sorry for all of your suffering but it is nice to know that I am not alone in this.
this post has taken a load off, this is the first time i have had to deal with a situation like this, me an my girlfriend were inseparable until one day i receive a txt saying we need to talk, i was quite worried at the time as this wasn’t like her at all , she stated that we should have some time apart which broke me down an tore my heart out, but after reading this am trying my best to give her time and space. i text her from time to time but not sure if its a good idea, what you guys and girls think??
I know it has been a while since this post but it was what i needed to take a little bit of weight off my shoulders. hopefully I can get a response and some help. My girlfriend has always suffered from depression, we have never fell out or argued or said anything bad to one another. we talked every day and saw each other regularly. i recently noticed she had took a dip in her mood and hadnt been herself. i asked was she ok and she basically told me she was really struggling at the minute and broke down. a few days after this she asked if she could talk to me after work, i knew what was coming, the horrible break up.
she told me it was because she was really struggling and she just had to do this on her own and sort herself out. she assured me it wasnt my fault and i had done nothing wrong and im the nicest person she has ever met and that she is just really struggling. i told her i loved her and cared about her and would always be here for her. her family were also all shocked as everyone thought we were made for each other. they all informed me that she is very unwell at the moment.
it has only been a couple of days and i havent tried to contact her and have heard nothing from her. i am suffering a lot and just need as much help as i can get. i am thinking of sendin her a quick text or email in a week or two just saying the following, please let me know if its suitable or not and give me some ideas. thanks in advance.
hi how are you? hope im not botherin you but just wanted to send a quick msg to say iv been thinking about you a lot and
just to reassure you i still care and im still here for you should you ever need it. if you ever want to talk we can talk. about anything.
if it helps we can just yarn about the biggest pile of randomness and not the illness. you are a great girl and you will get through this.
just remember this is no reflection on you at all. its a very real illness. just because it cant be seen doesnt mean its not serious. never
think you arent worthy of anything because you are a wonderful person elaine donnelly. you have so many people who love and care about you.
i really hope you feel better soon. be strong. you can do this chief. youre never far away from my thoughts. xxx
How did everything turn out? I’m going thru a similar issue.
Thank you so very much for this post. Just reading it gives me the strength I need to cope with my own relationship. Loving someone with bipolar depression is not easy at all but since I love my partner unconditionally, most times I am able to take that step back and realize that what is happening is not personal. Every once in a while, when I am feeling hurt and hopeless and need something encouraging, I find a post like this and remember that there is hope. Thank you again!
I met the man of my dreams my soul mate, we were so happy and had a blissful year together and were planning to move in together leading to marriage….Then a serious of personal issues happened to him and gradually I sensed him getting quieter and more withdrawn, he kept telling me we were ok but after a couple of months he told me he didn’t know if he wanted our relationship anymore. I was devastated..he tried to explain the emptiness he was feeling but I didn’t understand how he could push me away so much when he’d spent the previous year telling me and showing me how much he loved me and couldn’t be without me. Due to a past relationship I convinced myself the only explanation was that he had met someone else as I know he texts a girl from work but he swears he hasn’t and wouldn’t cheat. Deep down I know he isn’t a liar or a cheat but it still hurts as now 6 months later we have ended our relationship as I couldn’t handle the rejection or the need he had to be alone and without me and I was always pushing him for more convinced that as we were so happy before, us being together now would make him happy again. We still keep in touch an see each other now and again but we both end up upset. I know he still cares but he won’t tell me he loves me anymore as he says he wants me to move on without him and he doesn’t want me to wait as he feels he will never be the man I fell in love with again an says the pressure of knowing I am waiting is too much for him, he also can’t handle me getting upset which angers me at times as this is all what he wants not me!! but there are signs to the contrary every now an again an I know he is still there underneath…he just won’t let me in to help and I don’t know what to do anymore? He tells me to meet someone else who can give me what he can’t and to forget all about him…how can I when I’m as much in love with him as always..I can’t turn my back on him. I know I can’t fix him and I naively thot a fee weeks on anti depressants would make him better…but all its done is make me the same now as depressed as him suffering from anxiety, thinking I’m worthless and on anti depressants too… I just want him back…is it too much to ask? Is there any way back from this? My friends think I should get on with my life saying if we’re meant to b together he will come back to me but I’m so afraid to turn my back completely in case I never get him back…as there was never 2 people who were so much in love as we were and I miss him every day ..
Dionne, you are not alone. I had the same experience in my relationship. We were so close to each other and so loved. And one day he just disappeared. He made impossible to contact with him anymore. He said it is better to me as well if I find somebody else and he have to be alone, he cant coop with it. He disappeared. Two years spent since and I still can not get over him. I tried to contact several times. Most of the time he do not ever response but he read everything I sent to him. I still believe that deeply inside he touched by these and this is the only cure if you still love him and let him know that you are next to him whatever he did or said.
hi dionne i am in exactly the same position as you, it is a very difficult situation, we cannot do anything to help them, i myself have had depression and severe anxiety, i hope they do recover and come back to us, i am so in love with my girlfriend.
I will join you both. A few days ago, the man that I have spent the last 10 months with told me that he had to “do this alone.” His depression has been worsening and he finally sought professional help.
The silence and emotional void are devastating. But I believe in him and if this is what he needs to do, then I will respect it. It does not stop the hurt or the inability to eat or sleep, but perhaps it will lead him to some sort of peace.
The funny part is, even when he was most withdrawn, it was still better being with him than without him.
hello sb, my girlfriend said those exact words to me, “i have to do this alone” i rang her on saturday asked her how she was, she said she was fine, but then acted very strangely, she actualy dialled a number on the phone that she was talking to me with! (the call was still live) and started talking to someone who did not exist! this has really upset me as she is really out of her mind and there is nothing i can do except just let her fall. i dont believe she will ever come back now, its just a hopeless situation when they wont seek professional help.
Hi there,
I am thankful for all your posts as they make me feel less alone and helpless. Every morning since 3 weeks I wake up between 2 and 4 AM unable to find more sleep, then trying to find reassurance of what to do and to understand why. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and since January he gradually pulled back from me. At the beginning I did not understand what is happening and felt hurt and sad and even tried to break up as I couldn’t cope with his rejection but he did not let me then. He changed for a few weeks to only fall into the old pattern again. Then I had to leave for business for 4 weeks and there was only little contact. In the meanwhile he has made his will (he got a son) and started to isolate himself even more, not caring about his job or family and doubting himself. Easy decisions became so hard that he can’t decide if he wants to see me or not. I have been away for so long and now I was hoping we could reconnect but he does not let me in and prefers to see friends over me.
I completely relate to all you’ve said here and I am in exactly the same situation. I too cannot and will not give up.
It’s a small comfort to know that there are others in my position. My boyfriend left me a few weeks ago after his depression worsened, and I am still hurting from the suddenness of it all. (In a few days, he went from affectionate and caring to cold and distant.) At first he was responsive when I reached out post-breakup, but now it appears that he’s cut off contact with me. It hurts so much. I will still be here for him when he is ready, but in the meantime I can’t suffer like this anymore. I have to take care of myself now. But the pain is still very much there.
Good tips. How do you stop or address your own needs of physical and emotional connectedness when you’re with a depressed person who is unable to give?
thank you very helpfull God bless
Hi there,
I am in a relationship with a partner who is depressed. I find it hard on a daily basis and struggle to understand the reasons behind his moods and behaviours. I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to find websites like this that detail all of his behaviours. It comforts me knowing that he is suffering in ways others have suffered and that this pain and unhappiness will not necessarily last forever.
I can see he still loves me and the pain he is suffering that is pushing him away. To see the things he is saying in black and white gives me strength to continue to support him and do what i can to help…even if it is taking a back seat.
I cannot say thank you enough
Hello S. I wonder if you have the same confusion… My partner is a very nice guy and we were happily in love. But since he has been so stressed in work, he could not be passionate and happy anymore. I know he loves me, but we are not intimate anymore. He just has no loving emotions. He is not sensual anymore and could not carry deep conversation. Do you have the same experience?
This makes so much sense… i feel this crazy contradiction so often… i know and can see my partner loves me deeply – but she is unable to express it in the ways she used to.
Your mail struck a chord with me. My bf has been feeling down, stressed for a year now an our relationship is strained to say the least. We havnt had sex in a year an the only contact we have is if i kiss him or ask for a cuddle in bed. Its making me so insecure in my self, blaming it on me, the way i look etc. I know deep down he loves me or he wouldnt be here but its hard, always doubting yourself
My boyfriend is experiencing the same exact thing. We were so in love with each other and then one day he just kind of stopped. I don’t receive little compliments anymore without me having to fish for them, we use to be one of those stupid horny but loving couples but now nothing I do excites him, our conversations are no longer the intimate ones we use to have anymore, he barely talks to me about his day now. I’ve come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love me right now because he can’t love himself. Our conversations are just becoming like two awkward people who have nothing to say to each other or don’t know what to say to each other and it hurts so much. I understand completely what you were or still are going through. I’m sending him a letter, because we’re long distance right now, that’s just talking to him from my heart and explaining that I still love him, but I’m not what he needs or wants. He’s already rejected me and he believes I don’t love him because he doesn’t understand how someone could love him when he doesn’t love himself. It breaks my heart so much seeing someone so beautiful see themselves the way he does. My boyfriend is extremely stressed and he just made a huge move across the country and all of his friends are moving on to bigger and better things and I cant make up for that. Just give him the space he needs, bt make it clear to him that you love him and you’re there for him no matter what happens. You love him no matter what he’s feeling. That’s what I’m telling myself and the pain doesn’t stop because of that, but it gives me more strength to be there for him. He’s going to see some light one day and you should be there when he does. Just be patient and keep believing in him.
Well… After 4 years I thought I’ve forgot the hard feeling until I received the latest reply notifications…
My “ex” bf relocated to Singapore from Hong Kong. We tried to keep the long distance relationship for a few months. But when a relationship wasn’t good when we were together, it wouldn’t go to anywhere better when it was a long distance one. Eventually when he was ready to be in a relationship again, he started it with another girl and after 3 years they get married. I knew about it from FB. It hurts my feeling as I was the one supported him the most on his worst period and I was waiting for him all along. Anyway, just want you guys to understand that, self happiness is also important. There is no one cannot live without someone.
I really needed this. Thank you.
I really needed this. Thank you.
i like it thankyou
OMG, thank you so much for this post. My fiancee has depression and in spite of her explaining most of this to me, I still have a hard time dealing with it. I myself have some serious trust issues so this comes off wrong to me. Everything you said here is what she’s tried to get into my stubborn, stupid head. This will definitely help me understand and deal with it better but more importantly, it will help me be the man I need to be for her. Thanks again!!
I’m going through the same thing. I have trust issues and read my partner’s emotions the wrong way. Instead of seeing that she was trying it came off as you’re not trying hard enough. I now see that patience and understanding is key. That communication is tricky but accepting what comes in any way or form has to be acknowledged to make them feel comfortable so that they will be encourage to share. It’s hard not to make them not feel pressured but balance your own needs as well.
I know this is a very late answer but I really had to write something as it sounds so much like my situation. My fiancee is depressive – deeply, and also extremely sensitive and emotional. Just like you I have serious trust issues, am also sensitive and also I might be in need of some anger management…:)) Pretty bad combination, but we love each other enormously, and we are like this in our bad days, not always. It is very difficult dealing with such a person if you haven’t experienced depression before. In my case I am starting to dread his bad days, and when he does enter those dark moments it hurts me so bad that I have to hide somewhere and cry my eyes out. I know I have to help him through and understand him but it is much to heartbreaking, it’s as if the person doesn’t love you anymore. I am glad I found this place, it eased my mind and gave me a bit of patience. Good luck and much love and kindness to your girl, I believe this is what they need more than anything.
Thank you, that’s very useful. The thing that struck me is not taking it personally – I find it easy to.
This is amazing! Definitely feels like a massive weight has been lifted, thank you.
Hi K,
I’m so happy to hear that! I welcome you to join me on my website. http://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com AND on “team THRIVE” on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/teamTHRIVE
On team THRIVE, I facilitate, coach and share from my own life both my struggles and how I thrive with bipolar disorder.
I welcome you to join. To protect your identity, you can create a private account using a new email. Welcome!
This was the best expression of depression and what the other person in the relationship feels I have ever read. I actually came across it tonight while wondering whether I should continue with our 10 year relationship or finally throw in the towel. Problem is we are raising her 8 year old grandson as our own and I love him just as much as my biological son. His own mother has rejected raising him due to her own mental sickness, and he has no other non depressed person to turn to except me. Your article explained all the feelings and how she expresses those feelings much better than she ever has. just not sure if I should continue to deprive myself of the affection and joy of a healthy relationship. most mentally healthy people want so much more than a depressed person has to give. The feelings of rejection and lack of physical intimacy along with just feeling like i am a bother has been extremely hard for me to deal with. So can a depressed person actually feel love or are they just faking it? Thank you more than i can express!
wow i wish i had read this a long time ago,my partner has sever depression and has just pushed me away and away,its got to the point where im just miserable because i cant handle the rejection from her but reading this has helped but its probably to late for me and her now which sux because we have to young kids
I just stumbled across this article regarding depression. It has been a really rough week for me as my boyfriend of 4 years has been struggling with depression for the past 5 months or so… He has just told me that he doesn’t want to be with me right now and I am devistated and I am having a very hard time right now. I love him deeply and it hurts so much I just feel empty, hurt, confused because I want to be there for him so much but he told me he needs time to fix himself and figure out why this has happened to him. One minute I feel positive that we will be back together and then I start to have bad anxiety thinking is over for good. The thing is we have always pretty much got along with odd hurdle. We have never been disrespectful to one another and so I just don’t know what to do? I am so scared I have lost him out of my life forever…..and I don’t want that :”((
I’m in the same boat now and I feel for you. Just curious, how are things now between the two of you?
Hi its been over a year since this post so I’m wondering if I will get a response…I am going through the exact same thing now…my boyfriend is also suffering from depression… we’ve been together for 3 years living for 2 of those together… he moved in September said he needed his own space but we still can contact we still go out and we text each other almost every night… but the last 2 weeks have been hell…he says that he doesn’t want me to be so sad and unhappy so he wants to leave… what do I do now please help… I am absolutely devastated… nothing I say to him will work I’ve left him alone now for almost a week and a half without contact
Sorry I meant to say that he moved out in Sept… I also forgot to mention that he left mostly all this stuff here and only took a few things…
Hi Stacey
I identify with you right now. My boyfriend also pushed me away suddenly. We were even talking about marriage two weeks before he started getting depressed for over three weeks now. Hope everything between you and your boyfriend is well. Reading posts like this help me feel a little better
Betsy
Stacey I am curious to know where you are at in your relationship. Has you loved one over come his depression and are you still together. I too am goingthru this with my boyfriend. I is heart breaking and I too am scared I have lost him forever. We have been together for 18 months and never argue and respect each other dearly. Hope to hear from you soon.
Hi Stacey… I am going through the same thing now with my girlfriend. It sucks. So what happened?
Hi Stacey, I know this was written along time ago but I just came across this article and it seems that you are/were in the same position as me. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just told me he wanted a ‘break’. The day before this he was saying to me how much he loved me and needed me, and then out of no where he says this. He has been suffering from anxiety & depression for two months now. For the past two months we haven’t been seeing eachother that much due to him just wanting to stay at home, in bed etc. I feel completely devastated. Everyone around me is positive that we will get back together as they say we are ‘made’ for eachother. I just dont know how long I can wait, its day 4 now of the break and I havent been sleeping, eating or be able to last longer than 5 minutes without crying.
hi jessica, i have been going through the same thing as you, my girlfriend of two years pushed me away, as she is suffering severe depression, this has made me ill also as i now have the same illness as my girlfriend anxiety/depression, we have been split up for 7 months now and i love and miss her so much although she has come back briefly three times, i cant see her having any therapy for it (she has had it for 40 years) and i will probably never see her again unless a miracle happens, she has a responsible job and she goes to work but is a mess in the house and self medicates with alcohol, i see no way out of this we were so close, and i wanted to marry her.
Hi Ken, i can completely understand the hurt you are going through. My (ex) boyfriend who is 10 years my senior has been going through severe depression due to work related stress as well as dealing with other heavy responsibilities. It all began when my (ex) boyfriends depression became masked only temporarily when i walked into his life and we met at work. After the next few months of dating we became an exclusive couple and we were utterly crazy about each other, we were best friends and we told each other everything good and bad. However with time i noticed subtle changes in his behavior; he was getting down, irritable, very tired and drinking a lot. I became confused and had no idea what has going on or the severity of his depression, his rejection towards me grew stronger and he started to push me away. Shortly after Christmas in Jan 2014 he told me he needed space and has cut me out of his life. I know it is the depression talking but what is more frustrating is that he won’t seek help to overcome the problem and has hurt me more than I’ve ever felt with anyone. After 6 months apart we have been making small talk via text and he is slowly beginning to communicate with me again. I miss him so much but he is not the man i fell in love with, although i have found it in my heart to forgive him for the pain he’s caused me. I still have hope that in time he will get better and come back to begin a friendship with me again. I love him unconditionally, but i also realize that i’m not getting any younger and need to get on with my life.
hi anonymous, we have also made smalltalk with texts but she is still depressed and says she hopes i have found someone better than her and that i deserve someone special, this is pure depression talk and it tortures me that we are not together, i love her so much, i also still have hope she will recover.
It really helps listening to other people’s stories and experiences. This unfortunate experience mirrors mine. I would love to no if you got through it ok
thank you so much for this post it will help me so much, who ever posted this i am very very greatful. Thank you.
thank you very much for this post its so helpful and its finally helped me understand where my boyfriend is coming from. Ive printed this off and reading this before i react is helping
My gf/ex has pushed me away gradually over the past 6 weeks.. it’s come to the point that we haven’t had ANY contact for the last 3 weeks, but I know she’s been having regular contact with and meeting friends. Dunno if it’s the depression or something else but.. I suppose the article gives hope.. But, I don’t know if hope is what I need right now..
This website has just opened my eyes. My boyfriend of 4 years has recently started showing signs of depression after being okay for a few years, and he has reacted by announcing that he wants to be alone, no longer wants me etc. and generally being sporadically unaffectionate and cold. We got through it earlier this year by my giving him space and him ‘snapping out of it’, but it has happened again and I was on the verge of giving up completely despite me loving him more than anything and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. I now realise that I have to be there for him, not in his face, but to remind him that I know he is not being himself and that I still love him, and this time encourage him to seek help.
This article has given me new hope when I had none left. Thank you.
This is a great post to read! I’ve started dating someone who is bipolar, and the books and websites just don’t seem to post stuff like this, which is what i really need to learn!
I can’t believe how many people are suffering the same torment of loving someone with depression, my boyfriend of 2 years was the most loving caring affectionate person I had ever met and he helped me through the break down of my marriage and was my strength through it all. But over the past 6 months he has been diagnosed with depression and has pulled more and more away from me, to the point of moving out. He goes from saying he feels no attraction to me and that we should just be friends to a week later proposing to me and saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with me , to then saying he does not know how he feels and needs space. I love him dearly and have been so understanding and supportive to him, my question is how do I know that when he says that maybe he loves me just as a friend, if it is the depression or how he really feels, i mean he does not even know so how am i supposed to know. It is so painful, he goes from saying he will get help to saying he does not need help cause he is happy with the way he is and why should he change if this is who he is. I would love to hear from people suffering depression explaining how they feel about the people they love and the struggle they go through in their head. I am willing to be there for him through anything and everything if he does love me, but how will i ever know what he is truly feeling for me. Desperate for knowledge!!!
great question I would also like to know if possible how to love someone that is depressed?
Look up ROCD!
Sounds like this could be it
deperately seeking help….
Loving someone who is depressed is extermely HARD….depression is an ugly ugly monster!!! I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. He has been struggling for 10 years with major depression. It has been a very difficult road for him and me. This is a disease that will be with them for a lifetime. My DBF tries to push me away but I am a fighter and usually he manages to bring himself around, sometimes in a few days. This time right now its been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him and it feels like I am dying. We have never gone this long without seeing each other!!!! I love him more then anything.
The best advise I can give you is to educate yourself on mental illness. It has done wonders for me and my understanding of what he goes through. We do not live together which makes it even harder.
As far as you wanting to know how he truly feels for you, that is something you will have figure out yourself…look in your heart!!!!!! Although we have not seen each other my DBF is always telling that he loves me…he tries to push me away by saying that he is no good for me, that all he will do is hurt me….THAT IS THE DEPRESSION TALKING NOT MY LOVING BOYFRIEND!!!
I wish you the best of luck!!!!
This topic was shared in a group of woman who are in relationships with Veterans who suffer from PTSD due to combat. These are wise words that go beyond depression, I think they cover many mental health issues. Thank you for writing what so many of us need to read and keep close.
My boyfriend has PTSD and this all makes di much sense to me now! I read this but I still have trouble not taking him personal sometimes! I’m a very sensitive person and it’s breaking my heart! I’m a very attractive smart and great girl and in my head I know that! But when he rejects me I feel useless unattractive and unwanted! I wish I could keep from it!
I’m so glad I read this! I started dating my boyfriend about four months ago and have never felt so in synch with any other person. Around the time we made our relationship “official” he told me he suffered from depression. He’s on medication and is fine most of the time, but occasionally just wants to be alone for a couple of days. We even broke up for a month because he was feeling especially bad and didn’t want to drag me through it. I’m sensitive and have my own trust issues, but am learning not to take it personally. He always tries to say it’s not me, but I guess I had to hear it from strangers going through the same thing to really get it.
Thanks for this 🙂
I have a partner right now who is experiencing this exact thing and I can’t thank you enough for opening my eyes to it this way the way this website has. Thank you again, I will refer to this site time and again.
This article has really helped me get through the day. Thank you.
Thanks so much for this, this helps me more than anything else I’ve read. I look over it every time I’m feeling sad and it gives me hope. I also like to read ‘Things we forget while waiting for antidepressants to kick in’. Many, many thanks.
I really need this right now
What if anytime I try to do anything even with my kids let alone friends my depressed spouse wants me right back home. I feel guilty if I have anytime away from home even work. I have to work as I am sole provider and have 3 kids as well. I’m just getting so tired and worn out. I just wonder if he will ever be normal. Is on meds but they only help him get up at night after we are asleep. He does nothing to be with our family or to switch days/ nights. I have no idea what he does all night either.
Thanks to you, I wrote an article about this on my website http://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com
https://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com/?p=4542
I hope this is helpful.
With hope,
Robin Mohilner, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist MFC #51428
I just started seeing someone who after a month, broke it off because of his depression and because he didn’t want to drag me through it. The breakup was very premature. We were friends first, and I was really falling for him before the sudden breakup. I started researching what it means to date someone with depression. Seems like it will be a big challenge, but what relationship isn’t? This article was so helpful for me to understand why he broke it off and how I should communicate with him while he’s going through this depression. He does want to continue the relationship if I am up for the rollercoaster ride, which I think I am because it hurts more to be apart. I was worried about something that someone else pointed out in their comment: how do we know if they really mean it when they say they don’t love you/can’t love you? How can you trust their love is real if it wavers ever so often? I guess you would have to know your partner well enough and have trust that it is not the real them speaking out; it is the depression. Thank you again for this insightful article and forum.
im curious how things have worked out for you. i am going through something similar…. hope all is well.
Thanks so much for this article. My partner is suffering from severe depression. It is so difficult to know what to do – they aren’t the same person. All of a sudden the best friend you had is gone. Take care of yourself is excellent advice.
Anonymous
I am so grateful to have come across this article i had all but given up with my partner i did not think i had the strength to take anymore. Thank you
I am so grateful to have come across this article i had all but given up with my partner i did not think i had the strength to take anymore. Thank you
My gorgeous bf has depression so do i thought id lost him we empathise and have vowed to support each other we own depression it doesnt own us
What am I supposed to do when my husband still wants sex? I mean I love him still but that angry person who spends most of his waking hours either screaming at or laughing at his voices is not my husband.
Thank you so much for this. It’s exactly what I needed to read tonight. I have the strength to fight for my relationship until he can start to share the work but have been wondering what exactly I need to do.
Great, great article. This is a big help to my longtime girlfriend and I during my treatment. Keep up the good work.
I’ve searched and searched websites and books and until now have not understood my Husbands depression. I think I was on the brink of it myself. I was trying to take the load, blame or just put his shit in my bucket. I get it now. I’m going to keep this article with me at all times. Thank you Robin.
my partner of 9 years doesnt seem to have much affection for me however has been suffering from depression for a few months coping with losing her nan and her father i am always there for her and she knows this however it is hard for me and this article has really helped us understand that the problem is not our relationship but is because of the state of her mind thank you
This article is very helpful. Our family has been through a very traumatic experience and my husband is now in a depression. I am on the verge myself but I have 4 children, who also have been traumatized, and someone has to be there for them. They are tired of the depressed mood around our home. I am so afraid that I don’t have enough strength to get me, let alone, my husband and kids through this. I need someone to support me too. We are seeing counselors but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Any other suggestions?
I have read many articles on the net looking for help or some comforting words, this all has made the most sense. Its hard loving someone with depression when they push you away. Its a horrible feeling not being able to help them or offer anything that can comfort them. Its like walking around in the dark with no light and no direction. This article at least has given me hope, and some ideas to put into practice so thank you for that.
I have just started down this road with my boyfriend of 3 years, 11 months. Out of the blue, with no forewarning, he pushed me away. Only three hours earlier he had been telling me he loved me and acting as affectionate as ever. It was as thought something just snapped with no warning. He refused to talk to me for two days and I have finally gotten through to him now. He thinks he has to defeat depression alone – I have told him that getting to the other side is possible and I know he can do it, but he has to let us (myself and his family, who he has also pushed out) help him through this. He has said he loves me and still feels the same way about me as he always has but that right now he can’t be in our relationship because he hates himself. I went through the spiral of taking it personally, I let it take over me. This blog post has really helped me to see the light and he has agreed to let me meet him after work and talk with him. It’s killing me that we can’t be like we were less than 36 hours ago but I know it’s the depression talking, it’s the despair controlling him. Thank you for reinforcing my belief and for helping me to think positively.
I have been doing everything that I shouldn’t. I am printing this and will read it daily. Thank you for the suggestions, they will help me help myself and in doing so help my husband. Depression is ugly and hard to live with for the person and the loved one.
I can’t tell you how much this article made me cry. I found so much comfort in it. My boyfriend’s depression just came back and it has hit him so hard over the past few days since he told me about it, especially today. Earlier we were talking and everything was fine, as fine as it could be, and he was nervous about starting his antidepressants tomorrow but I was being really supportive. We went our separate ways for dinner and afterwards was when all hell broke lose. He was making no sense and contradicting himself in the conversation and contradicting things he said two days, a week, a month earlier about our relationship. One minute he said he needed to be alone but then said he didn’t want to end things, that he still wanted to see me and talk to me, and he got upset when I took a little while to respond and practically begged me to keep talking and not leave and he just kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted and he didn’t know what was happening in his own head. I’m still not sure where we stand but this has helped me not take it personally and understand a little better what he’s going through and how I can be there for him. It still breaks my heart to see him in so much pain (because really, it hit all of a sudden then BAM it hit even harder).
Oh wow — just facing this for the first time, and this article is a godsend. Thank you so much for this — thought I was going to come apart up til now
I am 46 yrs old and my bf 53. We have been dating for 2 months. At our age it is rare to find someone that you feel so completely “chemical” around. Personality, character and yes, looks. I was astonished it happened, but soon after I realized my bf suffered from clinical depression. I am a pharmaceutical rep, so let’s just say I know a fair amount about many conditions and disorders. My bf had not dated seriously in a few years, he admitted nothing lasted, his sleep patterns were definitely off, he had animals to turn to for comfort and company, he was negative and often grumpy. It was like one minute he was completely into me the other I wouldn’t hear from him. All classic signs. Originally, he thought it was from lack of sleep. His doctor put him on an SSRI which is for a depression. When this happens it will take some time to find the right drug for your body to handle. The side effects can make continuing on a depressive drug impossible. But, stick with it and find the right one. I knew after a while that without medication we wouldn’t make it. He is faring better, but since dating someone with depression for the first time this is a challenge for me. I am an eternal optimist and even make my living being charismatic, engaging and often show my engaging personality while delivering and important medical message to my doctors. THIS ARTICLE MADE ME SEE EVERYTHING IN A NEW LIGHT! Even as positive and confident as I am, his feelings and actions toward me affected me greatly. I now understand so much better where he is coming from.
But, here is the thing to keep in mind. It WILL take a strong confident person to live and love someone with depression. It MAY take having that someone put on medication to help treat (NOT CURE) depression, but, it will help to include a combination therapy to talk with a therapist about things that would otherwise be bottled up by the person who suffers or the person suffering as well. As long as they are trying and you are willing to stay the course , understand and be educated about it, well – all things are possible. I’m gonna do my best to hang in there! All the best! A
Thank you!!! I’m literally in tears reading this and will probably have to read this a few times to fully understand it. I feel as though this hits the nail right on the head with what is going on in my relationship. I really hope it helps me to cope and understand my loved one’s depression.
I really needed this. It highlights all the issues I am facing with a dear friend. Thank you.
I read this everyday for the strength to cope with my relationship and partner who is suffering with major depression. He has pushed me out but I’m there, waiting behind the door for him to open it again. I’m trying to be a person who cares right now rather than a girlfriend. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’m remembering to take care of myself first and foremost. Standing behind him during this depression while still giving each of us our own shovel to deal with our own shit. Thank you for writing this beautiful, inspiring article.
i think i just lost the love of my life who is battling depression…i pushed too hard because i took the rejection personally and i fought it. i dont know what to do..
I can’t explain how thankful I am for this article. I love my boyfriend so much and I know that he loves me too. It’s so hard to understand no matter how much I try and I always end up hurt even though I try so hard to not take things personal. It’s painful. This article lays things out so nicely and is very helpful. I wish there was more info. out there like this. It’s extremely helpful. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
This is the most helpful thing I’ve seen so far. My boyfriend has tried to push me out of his life lately and not because of me but because he is so empty from his depression. He no longer cares about his family, his pet or anything else. I have finally convinced him ot get help and have told him that I’m not going anywhere until he does. I told him I’ll leave, if he still wants that, when he’s himself again but not while his depression is making his decisions.
this post has really helped me, thank you!
This was difficult to read at times, but I think it’ll help me in my relationship. I keep finding that, even though I know all these things, I can’t consciously hold onto them.
Does anyone here know any good online groups for people in a relationship with someone with depression? Might be good to remind myself sometimes that I’m not alone…
Thank you so much for writing this article. My partner of ten years suffers from frequent depression and I never truly understand what he’s going through. I always feel frustrated and angry that I can’t help him and that I can’t make him feel better. I have taken his feelings personally and as a result I think I’ve made things worse by making it “about me”. You’re advice will be extremely helpful to me in finally dealing with this in a way that will help the both of us in the long run.
After the conversation my partner and I had last night, reading this was exactly what I needed. Thank you for the post.
thank you very much, you are so right
bipolar cunts. selfish bastards weak and pathetic. gas them all
i love someone who suffers from depression. im 17 he is older. im in the US n hes in UK. his family kept something from him n he quit hus job n broke down. he spent time in the hospital. i dont want that. he works a lot. but i love him so much i want to make him happy. he is my everything. id do anything for himjust to keep him ok. <3<3<3<3<3<3
I cannot thank you enough – or the Universe for leading me here – my life has been so full of pain and rejection for so long. I feel so alone. It was like reading my own experience. I will take your advice. Thank-you!
Hi All.
My partner has been depressed for years, she has had bad relationships in the past, she has 2 kids living at home and both are very challenging, the younger child at 11 is abusive, calls her every name you can think of and names you could never think of, she chastises him and the next thing she gives in to him so he thinks bad behaviour is ok and he gets rewarded for it, when he is abusive she is abusive back, instead of walking away from the situation and ignoring him she argues back, again another challenge to her son.
I met my partner about 2 years ago, she was my long lost love that I had not seen for 27 years, she was my girlfriend when she was 15 and I was 17, I have never stopped thinking about her in 27 years, we can’t even remember why we had split, but I know I never stopped loving her in 27 years and she said she had never stopped loving me, well we got together and I thought wow there is a god, I have found the love of my life, she had children a daughter at 26, a daughter at 14, a son at 13 and a son at 9 when I met her, I had so much trouble when I met her from her kids, they would not accept me, they told her they would disown her if she didn’t leave me, it took ages to be accepted, months.
My partner was on tablets, diazepan, amatriptoline, cytilipran etc etc but this didn’t bother me, i loved her, her kids were a nightmare, playing me and my partner against each other, constant hassle, but i stuck by her because when you love someone you accept them and whatever comes with them you have to accept them aswell, that is true love.
She is the most beautiful person in the world in my eyes, she doesn’t see that, she has been pulled down by people in the past, ex partners saying she is fat, ugly, name calling etc etc, every day I tell her I love her, she is beautiful, i kiss her every day before work and every night before we go to sleep and tell her I love her, she has so little self respect for herself, I cook, clean, iron, wash, take her for romantic meals, take her wherever she wants, I am such a loving and caring and faithfull person.
I have spoken to her before about her not opening up to me and keeping things inside, but she is scared to open up and lets it all bottle up inside and then all of a sudden the anger,hurt,fear comes out and it is always me who suffers even when it is her kids that have made her like this, she wont admit when she is wrong, it is always me who is in the wrong, even when I have done nothing wrong, I have tried to get her to go to counciling and I have said I would support her all the way and go with her to every session, she says are you saying I am mad? im not she says, no im not saying she is mad just that she needs support to help her through her pain, she just won’t listen or accept help, I have stuck by her through all her depression and torment from her kids.
She has started getting worse again now she can be ok for days and all of a sudden bang she is like a woman possessed, red eyes, sits there staring, tired all the time, picking her toe nail, finger nails, biting her finger nails, not talking just sits there watching soaps but repeats of what she has already watched that day, over xmas it was great, then we got up day after boxing day and she had changed again, no warning, we were due to go to my flat for the night and she said I can’t be bothered to get dressed, i don’t want to go to your flat, go home, she is doing this a lot lately, pushing me away, sending me home for 4.5.6 days then wants me back, i have asked her is it because she doesnt love me? I have asked her to just tell me if she doesn’t love me and I will leave her alone, but she wont say she doesnt love me,she says i want my own space, my bed to myself, at first we were making love every day and that is what she wanted but as the depression got worse she started having less of a sex drive, I was not so understanding at first but I realised it wasnt her fault and I stopped thinking she had gone off me and accepted that it was her condition so I wait for her to initiate things now and have done for months but she still has it in her mind when I go to bed I want to make love but I don’t, it is love I want not love making, she is my love and I want her, she has sent me home about ten times now, I am very depressed myself and my depression is getting worse every time she rejects me and sends me home, I don’t want to leave her because I love and adore her, everyone keeps telling me to leave her and I keep telling myself to leave her but I just can’t let the love of my life, my dream come true, my soul mate go, I just can’t leave her, I have felt suicidal and have come so near to it, it is killing me.
I just can’t get her to seek help, she wont listen, I think she has bipolar, all the symtoms are there but she wont let me help her, i love her so so so much, the woman I love and adore is drifting further and further into another world, a world of depression.
I hate myself for not being able to help her and not being there with her.
Dave.
Very helpful. It says all the right things and finally I read something I can relate to. Thank you.
I just came across this Post and it has given me hope. My partner of 8 years who for the last 5 months has had one bad turn after another with his business and is about to loose everything has slowly slipped into depression and has now told me we have to split, he has moved out but left all of his cloths and other stuff at our home.
He has told me he is doing this for me as he doesn’t want to bring me down too and that he cares about me and still loves me.
We don’t argue or fight, we work together in the everyday ways of living, we have a farm that he has just left me with ( sheep and Goats ).
I see him every 2 – 3 days and his mood is like a roller coaster.
Reading this post has given me strength ,to take a step back, look after myself and give him the time and space he needs to get through this but to be there for him when he needs me.
And if he never comes back at least I know I did all that I could to be there for him.
Thankyou for giving me back my Hope…
this article is reassuring, and we all want to be good men to are depressed women. But lets be real during this depression especially those who have it longterm are in no way affectionate , sexual, sensual, loving or even close to it. not many men can sit by and not feel affected by the lack of physical connection with their partner. That in it self can cause depression for the man and usually ends in cheating or the end of the relationship. What steps are they to avoid those outcomes, cuz honeslty its been a year and i close to edge. love can only go so far when the person supporting a depressed individual is not getting support for their “real needs”. please riddle me that.
My partner has had mental health issues for quite awhile now. He has recently resumed his antidepresants after sometime off of them (didn’t like the way they made him feel) He is trying to regain contact with friends & coworkers, seeing them socially. One of the most difficult aspects of my partners depression has been his spending time with co-workers or other friends, activities he and I could enjoy. This article has opened my eyes a bit to perhaps my being to close to his situation. His socializing with others is a way of not dwelling so much on his illness. I have focused so much of my time on him that some of the things I love and that he loves about me have almost disappeared. A recent conversation brought up many of the above mentioned issues of his inability to love me etc. I will continue to be there for him, but also do need to take care of myself. I’m hopeful that one day soon we can enjoy life together again
this post has really helped. i have just broken up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. She has depression and the whole rejection, not being happy anymore, her rather being with her friends than me has really messed my head up. I gave her everything she could have asked for and to be brushed aside for people she has known for a few months is killing me. Up until her depression had got so bad i thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. I just wish she knew how special she is. Now she is gone forever. I miss her.
This is such a great article, I have been blaming myself for weeks for the issues he’s having… and the eggshells etc… so it was great to read from someone with depression what is going on. Not sure if we will get through this together, as there are only so many times I can get pushed away for his mistress depression… but in the meantime while I wait, this is really helpful, and totally took a weight off me, thank you.
This post met me at just the right time and I find it so insightful and accurate.
My love is deeply depressed and I kept thinking I could help him, and worked my tail off trying to do so – because I thought the fact that I’d experienced depression meant that I COULD help him.
Your post brought me back to what I was like when I was at my lowest. Nobody could really get through to me, it was a natural passage of time and something within me that shifted and I slowly became relentless in the pursuit of feeling better. Anti-depressants were just the beginning of a long fight to overcome, but I believe I’m in a pretty good place now – that is, aside from my love.
I say all this to share with everyone out there, too, that Robin is absolutely right. You can’t fix your loved one but you can just be there. Buddhists talk about how we all work so hard to do, when we really need to just be. I never totally “got it” until I put it in this context. You can’t DO anything for your love, you have to just be.
Thank you Robin, this was wonderful and really clicked with me and will help me through this time with my love.
I want to thank you for this article, I feel so much better. I’ve been going through such a hard time with my girlfriend the past couple months and everything you wrote has happened. I’ve had a lot of alone time and I get lonely a lot but I try to use my time to better myself by exercising or learning more to better my career. I’ve been so worried that she didn’t want me. I’m so grateful that she hasn’t broken up with me, she’s told me how much it’s killing her she’s putting me through this. I love her so much, I want to be there once she recovers and see that wonderful woman I once knew. It’s worth the wait.
Nice article. I need more article about this. My husband is suffering from a major depression. Sometimes it’s hard to be with him because he gets a bad mood easily. I am trying to understand him more and to seek knowledge about this matter so I will be able to deal with him better than I do right now. Thanks for the article.
wow… thank you so much for this post. it’s actually bringing tears to my eyes. this is just, so what i needed right now as i am in love with someone who is in a deep depression. i accept that the depression is a part of him but i never knew how to articulate it in an eloquent way that wouldn’t involve hurting him, and yet still showed that i cared. so thank you, thank you, thank you so much(: i will be definately going back to this post ! *hug*
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. I always knew he was one to suffer from sporadic depression, but recently it’s gotten worse- what with his grandfather passing away a month ago, and his unemployment. But sometimes, it seems that he gets into this funk when nothing has sparked it…or at least, nothing I know of. He never wants to talk about it, and he retreats into his own little world. He sees certain people during the funks when he doesn’t want to be questioned, and he’ll see me when he’s open to talking about it. I understand that I’m a person who wants to talk about problems right away, and he’s not. It’s just so difficult trying to find that balance between giving him what he wants and getting what I want. He’ll not call or text me back when he goes through these funks. I’ll ask him if it has anything to do with us, and 9 times out of 10, he says it doesn’t. He always says “I’m just out of it, I guess.” I know he wants me to just let him work it out and not ask him about it, but when he neglects me like this, all I want to do is talk and do whatever I can to help. I suppose letting him have his space and avoiding the elephant in the room whenever we do talk is the best way to go, that is, until he is ready to talk about whatever it is. Should I feel concerned about him being unhappy with me or us? The last time we talked, everything seemed better. The conversation was going well and it was pretty upbeat considering the recent circumstances. Then I made the mistake of asking him why he came back into town and didn’t bother to call me or stop in and say “Hi”. He got mad and defensive and said “This is why I don’t want to talk to you when I go through this. I don’t want to be asked 50 questions.” I had to calm him down and apologize and promise not to ask him anymore questions until he was ready. I’m not sure if that was something I should feel bad about, or what? I mean, after that, the subject was changed and we were back to talking about normal stuff. The conversation ended with an “I love you”-“I love you too” exchange, and reassurance that everything’s fine with us and he’d call me later.
Is there something I need to consider here, something that I may be missing?
Should I be as hard on myself as I’m being right now for slipping up and asking him a question when he didn’t want to be asked?
Any advice would be much appreciated!
My partner and I have just broken up. I was already trying to do all the things talked about here. We were in a non-monoamous relationship, which was a real struggle for me, but which I felt that given the time and reassurance I needed, I would be okay with. However, with her depression, she became unable to support me with my own insecurities about non-monogamy. She doesn’t feel that I can be okay with things, and doesn’t feel like she can cope with that emotional responsibility. She has continued a relationship with her other partner, albeit a relationship that, by her own description, is entirely lesser in quality and importance to our own.
I still feel like I want to support her, and to be the best partner I can be to her, even if that means not actually being her partner, but the complexity of this situation is crushing my self-esteem, because she still appears to be able to be in a relationship, albeit a slightly mediocre one, with another person. Esentially I am giving more than I ever thought I would be able to give to a person, and not getting anything in return, from either her, or her other partner.
I feel pretty stuck for answers now.
Thank you very much for this article, it really makes a difference ! Thank you very much.
My prayers were are answered in all that you have written here. Thank you so much. I am grateful this was available and will use it over and over again. God Bless you.
This posting verified what I was already doing instinctively! I feel better already. It is still painful to watch and be with the person you love and feel completely helpless. There are small gestures that you can do that go a long way. I like to write and hide little notes around the house or set up the table right before bed so breakfast is a little bit easier in the morning. Just small reminders letting the person know that you love and care about them. Thanks for the posting!
I needed to read this. The love of my life is going through depression and I feel like I’ve already lost him. I feel alone and hurt.
Thank God I found this site when I need it the most. My boyfriend made the decision to pull back on our relationship because he feels that it would be healthier for him to have some time alone and by having me around wont help him get better. ouch!!! That’s very hurtful but I understand that he needs healing. So I’m not allowed to speak to him unless he wants to. How can I deal with this rejection and putting my love for him on hold?
Thanks for a great article, I currently am in a situation I have never encountered and don’t understand until now . I have been digging and digging to understand and I took it personal and everything you said is whats happening. She said she didn’t want to be with anyone right 🙁 now and that is’s not fair to me to be depressed as well, actually her isolation/rejecting me does make me feel a bit down, but I told her I’d hang in there. Shes been depressed with an issue that happened little less then a year, it was a night of partying that ended in a fatal tragedy for her bf at the time and another male friend quarrel over her and she feels responsible for it. I suggested her to see a doctor to help her cope with it and I would go with her, but she refuses.( not to be selfish) It just hurts to let go because I love her dearly. In the beginning she was all into me and lately cold as ice, she would at least call or text then that stopped its been few days since she called. I guess I’ll leave her alone until shes ready to talk, but I did text her and I missed and loved her and hope her days are better. I just didn’t realize it was this bad because she didn’t show much emotion until lately. I did see a pic she posted on fb at a motorcycle shop yesterday saying thinking about buying one, whats that about? Depressed, shaking me or both ?Thanks
Hello! I am in a dating relationship with a great guy for about 5 months now. He just recently told me he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me any longer and doesnt want to see me. He says he wants to be friends. When I asked him a direct question why what is the reason he could not tell me. He was all over the map. First tells me he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, then says his concern is he is holding me back to meeting someone that would make me happy, then tells me that he is dating someone and whats to see where it goes. I don’t know what to believe. I asked him to have a change of heart and gave him my points. He said he would need to think about it and we can talk the following week. I am trying to respect his space. I love him, texted him once to wish him luck at this new job and he responded thank you and have a nice day please.
A month ago when he had an episode. During this episode he told me he didn’t see me long term and he wanted to date other people. When I didn’t agree he would tell me not to push him away and that he cares for me. He has given me signs that he is not great with relationships. After going on a hike he finally tells me he is clinically depressed and on antidepressants the last 3 years. I have suffered depression before and I was understanding told him he didn’t have to be embarrassed and I am here to listen and support.
Is this a sign of bipolar? If so I need help should I stick around. I love him and want to. Right now we are not speaking as I am giving him his space.
Any help would be appreciated!
I am grateful too for this article I came across. I am somewhat confused as I know loving a bipolar person (I think he is at least) can be. I am not sure who can help me on this blog post.
Brief History: I have been dating this guy for the last 5 months. about almost 2 months ago he reacted in meeting my sisters for the first time at a birthday party with others around. He had just lost his job that week of this event. After this event he says he wants to see other people, he doesn’t want to label us as a couple (I have never pressured him to-I was enjoying dating him). When we first met we both experienced stressful situations in our own personal lives but were very supportive of each other. I gave him a reason to give it another try. We did. We went on a hike and he opened up to me. He told me he is suffering from clinical depression/anxiety and has been on antidepressants for the last 3 years.
Recently he with broke up with me for the second time. This time he says he doesn’t see me romantically anymore. My heart dropped. When I asked why. His reasons are all over the place. He then says my concern is that I am holding you back from meeting someone that can give you what you want and make you happy. I was fighting for him. In my heart something was telling me this isn’t the person I know and love. When I was fighting for him he starts giving me other reasons such as I’m seeing someone else, I don’t want a relationship, to you can’t fix me (which I never want to-I told him providing support is different), then he says my neurosis is bigger than you think and you can’t handle it. At the end of the conversation. I calmly asked him to have a change of heart and to reconsider. He says he won’t say no or yes he will think about it and we can talk next week.
Since then I have texted wishing him a good day on his first day of his new job. I’m respecting his space though it is hard since we talked everyday. My heart is broken.
Is he then bipolar rather than clinically depressed? I am so confused with a broken heart.
thankyou it made me feel a little bit happier but im still scared because I feel like everything I do is wrong. 🙁 nd I dont know how to act or react nd sometimes my fear comes out in angry way but thats because Iam trying to protect myself.
I wanted to thank you for writing this article. It’s difficult to describe how much it has helped over these last few weeks. I’ve found myself returning to it and rereading it during those difficult times with my partner. Your words have been like a balm, relieving the tension and soothing the anxiety of watching the person you love struggle through their depression. Particularly the first bits if advice and your dialogues have been beyond helpful.
You are a wonderful person for having written this, and I can’t thank you enough.
This is amazing advice and I want to thank you for making me realise what I need to do to be there for my boyfriend.
My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he thinks it is the best thing for him and myself whilst he is going through this tough time. Although he still keeps in contact and promises to always see me and let me know he is alright. I know he is not himself at the moment, but I can sense him deep down beneath his troubles. I have faith in him and our relationship. I will be strong for him and now I know exactly how I can help. Thank you.
Thanks for this blog. Everything written here rings so true to the situation I currently find myself in & I’ve found it really comforting to know many other people have/will go through this with someone they love. Thanku 🙂
This has helped so much. My boyfriend and i had the most amazing and loving relationship but since he has been depressed all he has done is push me away and has even told me he doesnt know if he wants us to be together anymore. I will be trying these points x
Thankyou so much for this. Me and my boyfriend have been arguing so much and hes been pushing me away. After reading this today i took a totaly different approach to talking with him tonight and we didnt argue like we normaly would. I let him know that its not his fault and hes not himself and that i love him and will support him. I even got a hug for the first time in weeks. Im sure nothing is fixed but at least with the right way of talking to him i can hopefully help him x
My GF is in between medications and making the transition to a new one. SHe has been depressed and pushing me away. Its so very hard to look ahead of where she might be when she levels out. Feel like my best friend is gone =/
I feel the same way as any other woman with a broken heart and would have if not for DR. Orinoko, my name is Mrs. Angela, my email (Angel_2spiicy@ yahoo.com), I have 27. years old and I have a son. Unfortunately, almost a year ago that his father broke up with me because of a mistake I made and I really want. bring him back. It’s the best thing that happened to me and I want.our family to be whole again, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I read online that helped a girl in this situation and contacted him for help.
I grew up with my parents divorced and I do not want that for my son and I miss my husband so much and just want our family to be whole again I want the love of my life and I can honestly say it is the only man who truly loved with all my heart. So seek help from orinokosolutiontemple1@ gmail.com and I and he answered a love spell for me, which I use to return my husband and I feel happy and grateful for the help and I want all of you also have the opportunity to orinokosolutiontemple1@ gmail.com also is the only through help I’ve known. Good luck
This really helped me. I will be looking at this frequently and it makes remember to try and take care of myself.
I am so glad to find this article. My boyfriend of two and half years doesn’t have bipolar but he does have depression. It is definitely really hard sometimes and it is easy to forget that it isn’t him talking, It is his depression. I will be looking at this article a lot to help remind myself.
Thanks 🙂
thank you! this article gave me hope and insight, understanding the situation is key in order to cope with it, once again a million thanks!
i am in a complicated scenario where the realationship had broken down and i had as a friend tried to help him fix it but his wife was just distant and eventually asked him to move out and it was only a few weeks prior we were seen each other but no one knew. The day he decided to leave the home i didn’t hear from him and assumed he had decided stay with her and sent some texts about him been like the rest ex’s and he didn’t love me etc apparantly this made him have a mental breakdown and he is now on tablets to help and has moved back into the spare room in his marital home but he says that is all it is and him and his wife only talk when need to. He has shut me out completely at the moment and i get the odd chat..i myself is having counselling because I couldn’t deal with the rejection and been shut out. Reading this post has helped me understand depression and him more and that i want to support him even thou am been isolated out. It prompted me to send a text to say thinking of him and what an amazing person he is and that am here. Thank you so much for this post and comments. It gives me faith he will get better in time and that i am not the only one in the world experiencing and been in middle of something like this. Thank you
Thanks so much for this post, but what i want to do now is to help him, to be there for him, i want him to know that ill never give up on him!
What should i do to save our relationship?
This is a very acurate description. I am the suffer of depression and I sent my boyfriend this article because it explains how I feel in many ways, at times. I don’t want my depression to drive him away. Thank you very much for writing this.
Thanks i love this site it will improve me of my depression in life,
This makes me very sad that we, as the non-depressed people can endure this from our loved ones, but I am also hopeful that if you do stick around to support your loved one, you can work out anything with them! I have a tendency to obsess about things and overanalyze everything, so when my boyfriend started showing signs of depression, it made me miserable, angry, and left with a sense of panic that were over. He would go out with his friends until 2/3:00 am and crawl into bed at 6:00am, in order to avoid me and it killed me! I realize he needs his space and that it is not me, but only his illness that he cannot control. He is not having real fun with his friends, only escaping dealing with us, as a couple, since he has said a lot of painful things he cannot control! I decided to see a therapist on my own and hope to get better insight how to cope with this myself and also hope that I can get my boyfriend to buy into couples therapy until he feels he can go on his own. Remember, you may never know why someone is depressed and they may not know themselves, but if you love them, don’t give up until you can no longer deal with it. He needs me now more than ever, although he would never say that!
Just what I needed to read this morning. I have been in such despair having experienced for the first time my boyfriend’s plunge into depression and being the final trigger that put him over the edge. He has retreated and I couldn’t face another day thinking he’s angry at me or is punishing me. Your words are so thorough and enlightening, and have helped me put the words together to support him and take care of myself. Thank you.
This article is great, thank you so much for posting this.
Tears of gratitude! I know that my boyfriend of 3 years is experiencing depression, and has been terribly distant; even breaking up with me recently. Since I had been through this with him once before, I was able to figure out what was happening. But not before doing every one of these things wrong! The rejection is very painful for me since he is my best friend. This article explained everything that I needed to know to help me support him! The hardest one for me will be Strategy #2, because I am a nurturer… It’s just what I do. But now I will have this to help me understand what he is experiencing, and where I fit in!
Just thought I would give an update here for all of you that are loving someone with depression. My boyfriend and I are still together and better than ever! He takes his medicine regularly, still has times where he gets triggered, but now we are able to identify the mood and give him enough space to regain his equilibrium. I am so happy to have found my soul mate, and to gave this article to remind me of the steps to take during his struggles.
Thank you for this post.
I just came back from overseas and found my partner had left. He had experienced a break down and since has been diagnosed with depression. I am absolutely devastated and have been finding it extremely hard to cope.
Never knowing what the symptoms of depression were or even not noticing anything was wrong the whole time, I’ve been finding it so hard to understand that if he loves me, then why is he pushing me away? This really helps.
Thank you, thank you very much.
I’ve been having so many questions lately regarding loving someone who is experiencing depression, and this article has answered all of them. Thank you so much for writing this.
This was beautiful and so helpful to me. It relieved a lot of my stress and anxiety and now I’m looking at our relationship from a different perspective and taking pressure off of him for my own feelings. He seems calmer and hopefully he will get through this soon. Hugs.
I tend to take things personal. Im working on it! After 1month of dating he asked me to marry him, 2 months later he wasnt happy. 2 more months we broke up and now we are soo miserable apart we are working on getting back together. Its very hard, harder then any other relationship ive ever been in. The ups and downs are emotionally draining. I Love him soo much I just cant give up. This artile is very helpful. Thanks.
I related to everything that was said here. I love someone dealing with depression and it is very hard. I feel bad admitting that b/c I can’t imagine how it must feel to be going through the depression. Reading this has made me feel better. I love the the shit metaphor 🙂
Its luke you read my thoughts! You seem to grasp a
lot about this, such as you wrote the e-book inn it or something.
I think that you could do with some % to pressure the message home
a little bit, however other than that, that is excellent blog.
A great read. I’ll certainly be back.
My wife of 8 years is exactly like this. We have two young boys and this has been very difficult to deal with. She found another man to talk to making this even more difficult, but now that I see the whole picture, I think that she made mistakes that she never would have if she wasn’t depressed. This article has given me excellent advice, tools and most importantly, hope.
I struggle with the infidelity a lot… it makes the distance that she wants even more unbearable. What can I do to still keep loving her and stay in this? I hurt very badly…
Thank you so much for this, this was better then all the books that I have read on it.. But now question, my boyfriend that I truly love said the I want to be alone and I don’t want our relationship, what do I do now?? Anyway I can help him?? Is he going to message me when he feels better, I miss him so much, he’s been in this episode for 3weeks and finally said those to me a few days ago… What do I do now??
Sorry with my previous question I mean since we aren’t talking, just give him space?? Can I send a text once every few weeks saying something cute like keep on smiling or something or just no contact ?? I want him back I know he’ll be back
What happened with bf?
just give him space i know its hard because im going through the exact same thing.. if he really wants you he will be back.Live your life!
Thank you for this. It’s given me a clear overview of what to do as my best friend might have depression
I am currently in a two year relationship with a police officer. We have had our moments that have effected us but we both love each other still. He had experienced a fire recently that he saved a young girls life and previously experience a man setting himself on fire. It has been over a month and I barely see him anymore. He is drinking and going out with friends and leaving me home alone. It has hurt so bad because he would never do this to me, and I understand he is trying to find ways to cope but it almost feels like he has just forgotten about me. He has turned to alcohol and drinks often, he sleeps a lot and barely talks to me or is out until all hours. He does have his moments where he says he is sorry and where he says he does love me but then he mentions that anything we have ever fought about has literally shoved itself in his head even if it happened over a year ago. We have always been amazing together and have so much fun. I am so lost, I am trying to take care of myself but I am afraid at any moment he is going to up and leave me. I want him to get help and talk with someone but I need guidance. I don’t know where to turn or what to do any longer. Please any advice would be helpful.
This is the most helpful article I have read. I shared it with my partner. Not sure what journey he / we are on but I won’t give up on him/us easily
Soo much in need of it now
Some of the issues described in the article and the posts are right on but so much of what I experience is different. My partner, of 22 years, was diagnosed with MDD about 10 years ago. Shem suffered a major loss when her son took his life in 99′. The grief was devastating. Withinn 5 years her grief seemed to morph into MDD. It’s devastating….She has been diligent in her efforts to find treatment and has tried everything. I have been there for the entire journey and think she does her best. Currently she is on two medications that help some but it is exhausting. She sleeps poorly at night. Awakens early, takes her meds and goes back to sleep. She gets up anywhere from 11 to 1 and then often lies down on the sofa and goes back to sleep for an hour or two, sometimes more. She may then have some energy and will be active and productive for the evening. Then she goes to bed and the cycle repeats. This has been going on for years and varies little. Nothing I do makes a difference. I do pretty well at not taking her shutting me out personally but of late have been struggling with the hopelessness of it all. We don’t go anywhere or do much socially, but when we do she appears to enjoy herself a lot, then we come home and she is out for the next two days. our previously productive lives have dwindled to isolation and hopelessness. It feels like life is just passing me by. She’s still kind and loving and needs tons of reassurance and attention. I, on the other hand, feel distant and separate when she won’t/can’t talk or just too tired to recognize that I am alive. She doesn’t hear me or talk to me. It feels like we are two ships passing in the night. I have been dealing with some of my own physical issues after contracting Lyme disease and am trying to take care of myself. Lately, when I go out and return home late in the day to find her sleeping, I find myself filled with dread. I’ve been trying to cope using various techniques like yoga and meditation and it does help but lately I just feel hopeless. I love her and feel terrible for her suffering but I feel like I am unable to maintain the level of support she needs and I want to live. How do you all cope? Not sure how to maintain anymore. I sometimes feel angry or resentful and frustrated – and – very much alone in this. Just wondering if any of you can relate and wondering how you manage.
B
This helped me so well! Words cant describe the weight and feelings lifted. My best friend has been depressed and pushing me away for only 3 weeks and Ive been hurting so badly. But everything you is exactly what has been happening or what she has been saying. Now i know what to do and how to react and what to say. I cant fix her, but even though she wont talk to me, ill be there.
This is the most helpful article I’ve ever stumbled upon about how to cope with a loved one who suffers from depression.
I used to get so scared and insecure when he’d reject me and tell me he doesn’t want me around, that I’d sit at home and cry or I couldn’t focus on my tasks and goals, it was so taxing on me, it made my heart hurt and filled with agony.
But he’d always always eventually come around and tell me how much he loves me and how he doesn’t want me to leave him and how he needs me in his life and we’d go back to normal, but this all started to become a pattern.
Eventually I started seeking help and advice from his close friends and my friends and my partner had come clean that he suffers depression and hates it when he goes thru the cycles.
But this article has been incredibly helpful. I want to print it to always remind myself things will be ok and his mood will pass. The not taking it personal part really really was the most insightful part for me, because I used to always take it personal and that was what would hurt the most, I would think he stopped loving me and I would get anxiety.
Anyway great great advice and article this is. Thank you author, you are the best.
Hey everyone.
Thank you for this post, I found it extremely helpful as I am in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression. I try my best to always be there and do all I can for her. I can take her depression as personal sometimes as I don’t feel apreciated or what I do means nothing and how my emotional needs aren’t met due to her depression. It can hurt as it always feels that its about her and who cares for me. I will do whatever I can as I deeply love her. Sometimes she asks me how can you love me? What is there to love. Seeing her in such a bad state hurts badly. Posts like these help reassure me that she is not alone and this isn’t actually her and who she is, and reminds me that I need to be my strongest and be the person to be there for her instead of feeling sorry for myself. Thank you for this article. Much love.
Hi, This was really useful to read as my partner of 7 years has suffered depression on and off for 4-5 years but has never got help for it. Its a very slow progress but it does make your question yourself and your relationship. He is starting to come round to the idea that it won’t go away by itself and he needs help. I realise now how i need to give myself boundaries as this episode is starting to drag me down. Ive now planned a night with my friends to get some well needed time out. Patience and loving guidance is the key as he’s amazing when the depression isn’t there. Thank you
I have been dating someone for 5 months and things had been going well but now he seems to be and has told me he is depressed. It is very hard to combat the feeling of rejection.
Thank you for this very helpful article. I’ve bookmarked it and will be reading and rereading it until its message gets through my head and heart.
This article was very helpful to me because I am struggling to stand by my partner while he is depressed. I’ve felt completely alone and abandoned because of his constant rejection and anger, and so confused because of the love we have for each other. It’s hard for me to accept that he is depressed, but the written interpretations of everything were acknowledged and affirmed by him when I shared this with him. I’ve sunken into a depression myself because of this, and am finding it harder to deal with every time I see him. I feel guilty because I’m starting to cringe and pull away when he touches me, not because I don’t love him, but because I’ve been hurting so badly and hate to feel his touch or sleep next to him. The hardest thing to deal with is him saying “I don’t know if I want to be in this relationship” because it feels so personal, and I can’t see it as any other way. I’ve taken the advice to focus on myself and my creative writing and dreams, but it doesn’t take away the pain.
He doesn’t want to put a label on our relationship because he doesn’t want there to be expectations because he is such a bad boyfriend right now, but doesn’t want anyone else or for me to disappear. I can’t help but to continuously ask, “What about me?” Is this a “normal” or expected thing for a person to not want a commitment because he is depressed?
I’ve never experienced chemical depression that was not caused by something, such as this relationship, so I can’t relate to him or see his point of view on our relationship. Why is he so adamant about not wanting a commitment if we love each other?
Your relationship sounds like mine! My guy doesn’t want a “label” either. There are times when I am at his house and he looks at me and says “go home”. Other times things are so good it is wonderful. It can be such a flip-flop on a daily basis and very hard for me not to take things personally. I really, really like my guy and have never been with anyone suffering bipolar/depression.
I am glad i read this too. I have just realised my partner has depression and thank goodness i read this at this stage. Everything makes sense now.
Thank you so much for this. I’m in love with someone with depression, and although I did research and tried to prepare myself for whatever could happen, I couldn’t prepare myself for the pain of her leaving me abruptly. I’m working through that on my own and trying to give her space in the hopes that we can be together again one day. And while this post brought me to tears a few times, it also helped me understand my role in this all the better. I can’t tell you how helpful this is.
Thank you for this post. I’ve fallen in love with someone with depression. I knew he had depression from the start and he’s had it for years yet when we first spoke to each other, he was the most affectionate person – he really showed that he cared. We’ve known each other for 2 years or so. I thought we could make it through until he decided to stop his medication. I’m not sure if this is the cause but the past 6 months or so he has been withdrawing himself and saying the nastiest things to me. He’d dismiss anything I say, not take an interest in developments in my life and always making me feel inferior, unimportant or not enough for him. I took all of this personally eventhough somehow I knew it wasn’t him. He was no longer being sweet or kind and quite the opposite. As a result, I started suffering from anxiety attacks – whenever he refuses to speak, whenever he consults others and speak to others but not me, whenever he tells me to ‘go away’. I’ve been ill just thinking about how much our relationship has changed in such a short time. I hope I’ll get better and I need to focus on myself. At times I feel like I need to let go but I just can’t leave him. It’s just so stressful especially when we are not living in the same country. I feel helpless because I cannot reach out to him and hold his hand, give him a hug or just be present for him. All I can do is focus on myself and I hope this post will be helpful in the process.
Nadya,
You are not alone, I am in a similar situation where my boyfriend lives abroad and we have seen each other a few times during his depression and it is the hardest thing to even be with them, even though you can hold their hand and tell them to their face you love them and they are not alone in this….it still leaves you feeling rejected and so heartbroken. I was getting panic attacks also and was really scared so sought out a therapist to help me cope with everything, which helped so I would recommend you see one if money allows 🙂 Good luck. I am praying and hoping and dreaming my lovely man pulls through soon and will still want me. I love him so much he is all I think of and everyone tells me to look after myself when all I wanna do is take away his pain….find out information to help him…it’s become a bit obsessive but at the end of the day, and everyone will tell you this, he has to decide on his own to get better and actually do it – it’s his journey. I know it’s hard, I cry all the time and thank god for my friends and family, otherwise I dunno where I’d be… get support…especially people who have suffered from clinical depression or partners of depressives as they will give you hope and reassurance that this will end, it’s just hard for us to be patient….
x
Thank you for a very insightful article.
The biggest problem I’ve had with my bi polar boyfriend has definitely been the feelings of rejection, it’s hard not to take it personally when just out of the blue you get snapped at, then followed by days up on days of coldness and silence..
It comes without warning, one day he’s happy and being the person I fell inlove with and the next he’s totally shut me out.. Yes it is extremely hard not to take it personally.
My heart breaks when I know he’s in so much pain, and the worse thing is I cant even reach him to tell him how much I care and how I do take his burdon upon my own shoulders.
sometimes I feel like jumping off this roller coaster ride, but how do you walk away from your soul mate?
Thank you for writing this article. It really touched me. The rejection from a depressed loved one is incredibly painful. Going through this dreadful illness is a real test of love, but one that is teaching me what real love is.
My partner, whom I have recently seperated with (due to my depression), sent me the link to this article.
I blew me away. I felt as though I was ready thoughts and feelings I had yet to acknowledge the reasons for.
I notice many people commenting on here are also the ‘partners’ of someone suffering with severe or bipolar depression. But I hope you don’t mind me sharing my insight as the one who is suffering depression.
My partner was my best friend. He was the one I wanted to marry. And build a life with. He was everything to me and my daughter (from a previous relationship). I can’t put into words how wonderful in every aspect he was. And then my depression came back. Worse than ever. And as the article stated .. It’s true .. He became the one that left me no escape. I felt every time I was around other people I felt fine. I did spin the story that I was a bit stressed and depressed but “I was doing okay” and I continued to put on my pretend face and be distracted by my friends and family. I would then go home to my partner. And cry. And not want to be touched. Or looked after. Or spend time with. I felt suffocated by him. But it wasn’t him. It was that he became my reminder of my depression. He was the one I fell apart to every time and spoke with about not wanting to live anymore . He was the one who would cuddle me when I couldn’t breathe from crying. He saw everything. Every time. And he was the only one who did. So somewhere in my mind I confused all if this with him being the reason I feel like this. For some stupid reason my mind was telling me that I was depressed BECAUSE of him. Deep down I knew that’s wasn’t the truth but for months and months that’s what I felt. Until I convinced my self that because every time I went home to him or went on a day out with him I felt crap – so I mustn’t love him. It confused the hell out of me. I knew he was the one I wanted everything with. And I felt like one day I woke up depressed and didn’t love him anymore.
He showed me this article and it really hit me. This IS my subconscious to a tee. I never realised it or viewed it like this but yes. This is everything I feel. Unfortunately I didn’t realise this soon enough and I pushed him away.
To those of you who are like my partner was and copping the hurt and pain and frustration of their partner having depression. We are sorry. We are sorry for making you have to read articles like this. We are sorry we can’t put our pretend faces on when we are with you. We are sorry we can’t put everything aside to sit and have a beautiful meal with you. But please hold on. When we are having a “good day” (as I call them), we realised how amazing you are and get some form of clarity as to how we are acting. But unfortunately as the bad days grace us more than the good days it becomes overruled.
Now being separated from him, and not knowing where to find him (literally speaking) I can see that all he ever was, was there for me. He was my rock. He was my joy. He was the person who held me together although he seemed to be the one breaking me. If your partner has depression I can second everything this article says. Hang in there. This is fact. Even though it may be dark for you too and hard to believe: those tips are facts. So stand by your partner. Believe in this article. And continuing being the person she fell in love with.
Hi J I really appreciate your post. My ex left me in september after 7 years and having lived together for2 years. He says he still loves me but he can’t handle being in a relationship. he has got worse since he ended relationship and medication hasn’t helped. He says he wants to be friends but as long as that is as far as it goes. I said I don’t mind how long it takes to get better and will happily take things slow. He says the pressure of me waiting will make him worse. I feel if we are only ever going to be friends I’ll need a clean break to move on. He knows this and will get upset at this but won’t try to keep me in his life. I don’t want to lose him but it’s too hard to see him without hope for the future.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. My husband has been suffering from depression he hasn’t been to the doctor yet and I finally think we have hit a point where he is starting to recognise he needs to talk to someone. As much as he tells me he loves me he also needs space. Everything came to a head just after Christmas and I finally got the message that no matter how much I want to help him, no amount of pressure from me will do that. He has decided to extend a work trip and stay away and it’s devastating. We agreed he would ‘check-in’ once a day by text to let me know he’s alive even if it’s a blank text. I understand the logic and science but this has really helped me to start to look after myself in order to help him and not take everything personally. I have returned to this a few times now when I start wobbling.
I really love this article. My boyfriend always asked me why I pushed him away and it wasnt that I wanted to or meant to sometimes I didnt even know I was pushing him away. This article is very well written and I see my self coming back to it frequently. He is now going threw depression and this article will really help me on how to deal with it. It also answerd so many questions i was afraid of asking. Thank you so much.
My name is Victoria Cole, I almost took my life because of my ex who
left me and stop picking my calls. He said do not trust me anymore, I
tried to convince him, but he will not believe me until we had a fight
and broke up for 8months, after then I realize I can not live without
him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to
get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed
me and went away with my money until I came across this man called The
Great Elisha, he cast a spell for me and behold my ex came back
after three days, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that
spell caster like The Great Elisha still exist. If anyone here
needs some help, with all sincerity, contact The Great Elisha via his email:prophetelisha1@live.com
This article helps a little. My boyfriend and I had an amazing relationship that has deteriorated over the past 2 months, with the last 3 weeks being a living. hell. He is currently unemployed which is likely the trigger for this episode, and I work 10 hour days. I no longer enjoy coming home because I don’t know who I am coming home to, he has been up and down. I get told that a lot of the things I say are criticisms yet after coming home from a long day I get told of his resentment over things like the dishes not being done.
It was my birthday 3 weeks ago and I have let go of the idea of ever getting a present at all. He still cooks for me and helps a lot with my recent car issues but he is emotionally gone. Some days it is like he is dead, and can hardly leave the bed. Most days he will hardly speak to me and I have never felt so alone. I want the man I fell in love with to come back. I am at breaking point and am considering leaving soon, he’s seeing his psychiatrist in 2 days so hopefully things turn a corner soon or I will be moving out.
Good luck to everyone going through this hell
I am sorry to hear this lonelygirl, it is so similar to what I am going through with my girlfriend. She takes meds for depression and goes to therapy 5 days a week. Just was release form the mental hospital last week. We have had the best relationship and are totally in love, what I thought. She told me that she loves me one day, and the next she broke up with me. She met some guy while in the mental hospital, and just went and spent the weekend with him. How can someone that you have been with for 10 months that you love, just love you one day, and go sleep with someone else the next? I hope you don’t have to deal with this type of behavior with your boyfriend. Best of luck to you!
My partner suffered from PND after our beautiful daughter and she hasnt been herself since. Out of the blue she broke it off with me. I know its depression but she can’t be talked to about it, HELP I dont know what to do and I love her andy daughter too much to let it go.
This has been a godsend to me. My girlfriend is going through an episode. We had a scare a while back and she made me promise to her that no matter what, she wouldn’t lose me. I intend to keep that promise. I took her depression so hard at first but now I truly understand what I have to do now. I now know that I can’t fix her, just reassure that I’m not going anywhere. She won’t let me see her, but now I completely understand why. Thank you so much for this. My hope has returned 10 fold and I’ve found the strength to endure this temporary condition!
How did everything turn out?
I fell in love with a man who suffered chronic depression. I was the first girl he’d fallen in love with after being diagnosed with his depression and he recently told me that the reason to why he’s never acted on his feelings towards me is because his depression can’t allow him to in case it wouldn’t work out or in case he’d hurt me because he sees me as someone far too important. The root of it being he doesn’t think he can make me happy.
It’s difficult to hear but at the end of the day he was more worried that I wouldn’t want to be a part of his life after his rejection and I made it very clear to him that dating or not dating, he’s still the most important person in my life to date and that I am always going to be there.
It’s difficult when you love someone who thinks they are not worth it but the best thing to do is to just let them know that you are there for them.
My girlfriend has depression, takes meds and just got out of mental hospital. We talked about moving in together, a couple days ago, she said she loves me but last night wanted to break up with me. She apparently met some guy in the hospital and has struck an interest in texting with him. Messed up I know. We had a great relationship. Will she come back, is this commone?
This article was very helpful. Thanks so much.
I have been losing hope in my relationship taking a lot of the effects of depression personally. This article has given me my hope back and confidence that my relationship will work out. Thank you.
I have never left any comments on any website before, but so powerful was this article and the comments left, that I felt compelled to write. I wish I had found this site earlier to help me understand the reasons as to why my ex partner rejected me, in the cruel way which I perceived it to be. I reacted in all the ways you shouldn’t because, understandably, I took it personally. For me, it’s too late to repair the relationship, but for others who find themselves on this website, desperately looking for answers, don’t make the same mistakes that I did. Read what is being said. Know that it isn’t personal and just be there to listen if they need or want to talk. This article brings hope. But remember that you too are important. For a year and a half after we separated, I tried on many occasions just to reach him. I know he missed “us” and I know his feelings still remained. But I couldnt get through enough even to get him to just sit down and talk to me. Whilst this article has made me understand why, in that I am merely a reminder of his depression, it doesn’t take the feeling away that I just wasn’t enough for him. The pain and frustration that that causes on a daily basis is self destructive and you have to know, for your own sake, when it is time to walk away, even though you may not want to.
For the comment left by J in January 2014, thank you. Even though I had to make the hard decision to cease my fight, your words still gave me a small amount of hope. For you J, If your ex partner cared enough to send you this link to this article, then know that there is also hope that he will come back. A relationship worth so much effort is never one that anyone can truly walk away from.
Whether the hope I feel from this article is real, false or just a way of getting through the pain of a true love lost, only time will tell. But for now, all I can do is offer my time and understanding and hope that he finds strength in himself to take the first step to recovery.
I have never left any comments on any website before, but so powerful was this article and the comments left, that I felt compelled to write. I wish I had found this site earlier to help me understand the reasons as to why my ex partner rejected me, in the cruel way which I perceived it to be. I reacted in all the ways you shouldn’t because, understandably, I took it personally. For me, it’s too late to repair the relationship, but for others who find themselves on this website, desperately looking for answers, don’t make the same mistakes that I did. Read what is being said. Know that it isn’t personal and just be there to listen if they need or want to talk. This article brings hope. But remember that you too are important. For a year and a half after we separated, I tried on many occasions just to reach him. I know he missed “us” and I know his feelings still remained. But I couldnt get through enough even to get him to just sit down and talk to me. Whilst this article has made me understand why, in that I am merely a reminder of his depression, it doesn’t take the feeling away that I just wasn’t enough for him. The pain and frustration that that causes on a daily basis is self destructive and you have to know, for your own sake, when it is time to walk away, even though you may not want to.
For the comment left by J in January 2014, thank you. Even though I had to make the hard decision to cease my fight, your words still gave me a small amount of hope. For you J, If your ex partner cared enough to send you this link to this article, then know that there is also hope that he will come back. A relationship worth so much effort is never one that anyone can truly walk away from.
Whether the hope I feel from this article is real, false or just a way of getting through the pain of a true love lost, only time will tell. But for now, all I can do is offer my time and understanding and hope that he finds strength in himself to take the first step to recovery.
I’m honestly so glad I stumbled upon this article. It was a real eye opener for me because I’m in this position. I have always taken it personally and cried my eyes out for months when he treated me like he didn’t want me. I’m finally realizing it isn’t about me at all. Thank you so much.
Thank you for writing this…me and my boyfriend knew each other in our teenage years and recently reconnected after almost 20 years. We have been together now about 6 months and the connection has been amazing to say the least. However, he has been struggling with depression on & off almost the entire time. In the beginning, things were great, but the more he let me inside of his head and his life, the more the depression started peeking it’s ugly head out. He knows he needs help and actually wants the help, but doesn’t seem to find the motivation to get it. I have called therapists for him, made appointments, but they say that he has to call himself, which has not happened yet. Lately, he has been pushing me away, telling me I deserve better, that he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship, that we’re moving too fast, etc. It’s almost as if he is ready to walk away. He barely touches me anymore, intimacy has dropped and seems to only happen when he drinks, rarely shows affection, never says “I love you” anymore unless it’s in reply to me saying it, there’s just no more effort on his end. I can’t even get a simple hug or smile or kiss without it coming from me first. It seems like he even has a hard time returning hugs. It hurts so much even to write this is making me so emotional. I try my best to keep him happy and positive. I’m very affectionate, compliment him, cook for him, clean up after him, touch him lovingly, try to get intimate, always say i love you and i’m here, etc. I think that I have done what I can and in the process feel like I’m losing myself. I feel very down lately, it’s like he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want to be with me, or even around me, but yet when we’re not together he always tells me that he misses me. Sometimes I find myself just wondering when he’ll call it quits. I don’t want to be negative, but I am also a mother of a small child and work full-time so this is taking it’s toll on me. I barely sleep, eating is becoming difficult, my mind is constantly working, yet I keep this fake smile on my face to shield all of this pain that I feel inside. I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t want anyone knowing about his mental illness because it is no one’s business and I don’t feel comfortable talking to his family about this even though they have been a great support system for him as well. I’m really losing it here. I’ve been crying here and there for 2 days now. I love this man. I think he is “the one” and I don’t want to let go of us. I’m not a needy person, but the rejection is killing me inside. I am already in love with him, but sometimes i wonder if I should leave now before my love gets even stronger. It crosses my mind and that thought hurts even more because I would never leave him in this state. I know that he’s sick and needs me right now, but I need me too. It’s such a struggle. I am not going to give up and will continue to try to get him to get help. I just hope that he doesn’t choose to give up on us or even worse, himself.
I am so glad I came across this article. My boyfriend and I started dating in February, and he told me almost immediately that he suffers from depression. The past month or so he has been dealing with a bad episode, and it really has taken a serious toll on our relationship. He told me a week ago that in order to save our relationship, we should begin this summer taking a break (we go to the same college, and are both home for the summer in the same city). The goal of the break is for him to focus on himself and his recovery and to remove the expectations of a relationship on both of our ends. I completely agree with the break in theory, but in practice it has been incredibly difficult. I want nothing more than to talk to him and find out how things are going. I care about him too much to let this break go by with radio silence, but I am afraid that talking regularly will lead to seeing one another and potentially derail any progress he has made. I am stuck between treating this summer like a breakup and allowing myself to get over him or treating it like a break that is necessary for him to cope with his depression before he is ready to commit to another person. I know the conventional relationship/break-up advice would be to move on, treat it like a breakup, and have no expectation of getting back together. But I also know that isn’t him, and that’s not what either of us wanted. I am just having a lot of difficulty knowing how to find out how things are going without pushing his boundaries. Should I wait for him to reach out to me or, because of the nature of the disease, is it better for me to initiate communication? I know the way he operates in his depressive state is to shut everybody out, so I am afraid that if I don’t reach out we just will not be in communication. He knows that I don’t want to let him deal with this alone, but we also both know that the expectations of a relationship are just not realistic right now. In what capacity can and should I be there for him now?
Before we were really together, when we were ‘just’ friends (I hate that phrase, friendship is never ‘just’ anything) there was a similar time period. He needed time to look after himself and focus on getting better, but I wanted to know what was going on. I also wanted to remind him that I was there if he needed me, that I didn’t judge him for turning inwards, and that there was an outside world for him to return to. On top of this, I wanted to allay my fears that this was another way for him to shut himself off, to gently cut ties with the people around him so it was easier for him to leave us altogether…
With all this in mind I started, with his permission, to send him something every day. Sometimes it would be a text saying how my morning went, sometimes an email about a book I thought he’d like, sometimes a piece of origami through his postbox (he loves it, and I’m terrible at it!), or a chocolate bar, a note just saying “hi”, or a photo of something beautiful I came across. He was never under any obligation to reply, and I told him he could tell me to stop if he needed me to. Sometimes he did reply, whether just to say thanks or to respond to the content of what I sent. Once or twice it provided a way for him to update me on his progress, and ask for any help he needed.
I’m not saying this will definitely work for you, and it may do nothing to help you know what’s going on with him. But if he agrees with it, you may find – as I did – that just keeping channels of communication open in this way makes you feel better, and is something he can look back on with fondness in the better times to come.
This is a great post. As I type, my husband of six years and father to my two young children is in bed. He has been all day. This morning began with him constantly irritated by everything I did, to then getting angry with me for asking him to look after baby for a few hours while I caught up on some work. It is so hard to be the focus of irritation, anger and constant rejection even though I know mentally that the reason he does so is depression. When he’s depressed he blames me for it and that hurts me so much. I try not to be angry and give him his space but sometimes his outbursts have me in tears. I don’t know what to do any more. He has drugs for it but they don’t seem to be working. We have a mental health clinic to go to, but he won’t summon the energy to get down there. I need to take him down myself. I can feel myself getting bogged down in it and feel like I am drowning in it. I watch my best friend’s husband come home from work bubbling about his day and wish so much that mine did that too. Just some optimism and excitement about life would be great. I will take the advice on this page, but at the moment it’s like a lead weight in my stomach, I am considering leaving him to escape the situation. Help!
Thank you for tipping us on this painful experince where are feeling.Please write more article on how we can help them beat this depression especilly since they don’t wanna go look for help.
Fantastic advice and I had fallen into so many of these traps myself. I was always trying to make my partner happy to the point where I would lie or cover things up so she would not get bad news. But, clearly, that makes things worse when they find out. It is so difficult and many relationships end due to depression when one partner can not cope. I am still trying but it is hard on a daily basis and I dread some bad news or someone to do or say something on facebook that can kick start a downward spiral. Thanks for these great tips.
I am glad to have found this web site and have read all of the comments. So many of the thoughts and feelings expressed here are more than familiar to me – in fact I find the similarities quite incredible. The problem that I have is that this has been going for around 5 years. I love my wife with all of my heart but the constant rejection kills me and I am starting to feel that after such a long time it is unlikely that my wife and our relationship will ever recover. To tell the truth if it wasn’t for my kids I may have left her by now, although giving up on her and our relationship would also be a killer! Can anyone offer the benefits of their experience or advise on where I go from here?
I wanted to leave a reply for the comment made by hurting. I’ve lived with depression myself and I’ve also tried to live with someone who suffered it. Unless you suffer this horrible illness, it is impossible to be able to explain to someone how dark and isolating it can be and the different person that it creates. Whilst you can be there for the other person and try to help, at the end of the day, recovery only comes when the person suffering makes the first step. It is impossible to advise anyone whether you should stay or walk away because everyone is different. I see that you have been going through this now for 5 years…. that can and will take its toll on you. It’s a question of how strong you feel as to whether you feel able to cope yourself. Depression has a way of dragging others into it’s web and you have to take a step back if you find this happening. If you decide to stay, make sure that you take time for yourself also – go out with friends, have your own interests. But at the same time, don’t make your wife feel that you are deserting her or only enjoy yourself when you are in the company of others. This will only add to her feelings of isolation and worthlessness. People with depression feel like a hindrance to others even though they’re not – try not to make her feel that she is exactly what she thinks she is already. So far as my relationship was concerned, it was him who decided to leave. 2 years on, the pain, anxiety and heartbreak of being without him still crucifies me every single minute of every day so yes, if it had of been my choice, I would have stayed because living with him as a depressive was no where near as painful as living without him. Think carefully before you make any decision but if your wife will not consider any form of help, then you have to think about what is best for you too. I hope things work out for you.
I am the girlfriend of a depressive and this is the most helpful thing I have read (and its been months of researching!) ever….every point you made, I understood very clearly how it must feel for my boyfriend and you explained the thing about other people helping which I have had a hard time getting my head around – that has hurt me a lot that I have tried everything to support him and one person calls and they are ‘really nice’…and u think…what about me, the one that is right here throughout all of this loving you….it’s so hard so thank you for this posting, I want to print it off and keep reminding myself of the things you mentioned.
My beau ended our 7-year relationship because of this. He told me that he just wants to be alone. I didn’t bother to ask him why because of what I have read. I tried to understand that he doesn’t want me to always worry about him and doesn’t want to see me hurting. Oh well, I’m still hoping that everything will be okay for us. I sound so stupid but I can’t really help it. Thank you so much for this post. It really helped me.
I really hope that what is written here turns out to be true, if so this is the most reassuring article i have read. It certainly offers a glimmer of hope and has given me the patience to continue giving my partner the space she needs, acknowledging that her spending time with her friends is not a personal attack on me.
Great article! Made me feel more at ease….I would have a question!!
Will explain my situation first and then ask: my boyfriend is going through something. I THINK some kind of a depression. But he has never said it. He suffers severe daily headaches, sleeps 12hrs a day (or more), has pretty much shut himself out, isolated, is throwing himself into work, sudden extreme anger…
When we started dating it was amazing! But something changed (seemingly) from one day to the next. He started shutting me out, telling me he needs space.
At first I reacted making it all about me! He doesn’t want to be with me, he met someone new, etc…so every time he would tell me he needs space, he wants a break, he is in survival mode and is stuck inside himself, i told him: “you are breaking up. This is it! you don’t want to be with me.” Yet he would reassure me that that is not the case. he just needed to figure some things out, he wants to be with me but his feelings got shut off completely without him wanting or being able to control that…He would cry when telling me this, and I would leave confused. insecure. unsure.
Now, suspecting that he is depressed, i feel guilty. guilty for not understanding and not saying the right things.
the past 2 weeks we haven’t really spoken or seen each other. because, not knowing what is right, i thought i will give him the space he needs, and if it is meant to be, he will come back.
Last time i heard from him (3 days ago) he told me that he wasn’t doing too well. working a bit then sleeping the rest of the day. Told me he can’t stand feeling so weak and that he might get out for a couple of days (to a place we spend some beautiful times together not too long ago)
I did respond to his last email, telling him that I think going out to get some fresh air sounds good, that I feel sorry hearing he is in such pain. I also explained shortly that I am trying to understand the situation, what he is going through, that I am giving him time and space. that I will wait for him. And ended by saying that I love him, that I think of him and I am here for him. no matter what.
Now I am in doubt. Is giving him space the right thing to do, as he has been very vocal about needing space, wanting to be alone and has been avoiding me quite a bit.
Or should I ignore this and be persistent. Contact him. Try and talk to him. Persuade him to get help? Or is that even worse?? also, how could I bring this up, given we don’t speak or see each other, just email once in a while (I am traveling a lot for work right now)
I really love him, and more than anything want him to figure out what is going on. Does anyone have any experience with this?
SORRY for my long post…
Wow, this article is so enlightening. My partners depression is fairly new so I’m glad I saw this to be as supportive as can be. Thank you.
I cant believe I am commenting on a random website like this, but this article and advice is so insightful I feel like I have to say something. Also, maybe it is comforting to know other people are dealing with this. Although I had a feeling all along, my boyfriend recently revealed to me that he is depressed and it was something he has been dealing with in phases his whole life. Apparantly, right now is another difficult few months. Even though I saw some tendencies, it still came as a shock to me, especially when and where he revealed this (on a $3,000 vacation). I really didn’t and am not taking it too well and it’s hard because I feel selfish even saying that. I don’t want to get my friends and family invovled in his business so I kind of keep this all to myself (and now anyone reading this lol). It’s very difficult for me to understand how someone who says they are completely in love and happy in a relationship, with frequent discussions of marriage and the future, could distance themselves so much from their partner. How could you want to be so disconnected and shut off from the person that would do anything for you and then smile and joke around with random cowokers, or guys at the gym etc? Why do they get the smiles and the jokes but I get the zombie form of you on the couch night after night? It wouldnt matter if I was there or not, which is difficult to take considering we have been living together only about four months. If I do see a smile or a good mood here and there, I wonder a lot of times if it is forced. It is a very torn place to be in … I feel I deserve someone who will act like a boyfriend, act like someone who loves me-someone who acknowledges that I am there.. psychically and mentally, someone who wants to go out and do things.. like date night or travel… someone who follows through with their commitments and doesn’t just say things to placate me but DOES them because they arent so caught up in their sad state of mind. Everyone deserves that–BUT I guess as this article says… this current state he is is in-isnt him. It’s depression. Even though it is WAY easier said than done to believe in that when things are really bad, I guess I have to. I love this person unconditionally even though it may seem like I was bashing him.. Im not, I just am trying to grasp this all. I will stand by him and try to do everything suggested above as best I can because the genuine, good days really are irreplacable. The real him, is a remarkable person so I am holding out for him to come back. Thanks for writing this article and anyone else who shared-seems Im not alone. best of luck to everyone
I’m right where you are and feeling all the same mixed feelings. I see your post was from Aug 2014. Any updates?
I am the boyfriend of an amazing woman that suffers from depression. We’ve only been together for 4 months and i have been through about 5 of these bouts. I can’t even tell you how helpful this article is. It’s like a 10 ton weight has been lifted. Her rejection had me so depressed and heartbroken this week. Thank you for this article. There can;t be enough thanks given. I love her with all my heart and now I know its not personal and to just give her space and have faith in her. This page is bookmarked for sure. Thanks again to the author!
I’m so glad to have found this article and all your comments. This mirrors everything I’m going through with my partner at the moment. I have never really understood depression and how it affects people and their loved ones until now. My partner and I have been together for almost fours years and have since found out that e is infertile. All are dreams to start a family were crushed when we found out. I myself have been feeling very down and upset over the last few months. Made harder by the fact that my partner would not talk about it. Whilst its still raw I’ve come to realise that there are other options and most importantly I want to be with him. However, I think he is only now starting to deal with the news and in recent weeks has started to withdraw and push me away. According to him he can’t give me what I need and I don’t deserve to go through this. He has now decided he wants to leave, to be on his own. Incan see he s in so much pain and I feel helpless. I have never considered leaving him because of this, I simply can’t imagine my life without him. I have asked him not to make any decisions right now, to take some time and work out what he really wants, but I feel he is in so much pain that he can’t see things clearly. So although he hasn’t left yet he s very withdrawn, and is totally cold towards me, all of which has practically happened overnight. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I’m so hurt by the rejection, when all I want to do is be there for him and help him through this incredibility tough time. I’m totally heartbroken and feel helpless and confused.
Erica, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same stages of withdrawal and a cold, emotionless attitude from my previous partner that also happened overnight, lasting several months. Know that there are so many people that you can talk to about this, especially on sites like these. I am no longer with him, but the experience that I went through made me a much stronger person. About 9 months after our split up from the depression and his decision to leave, he asked me back when I had moved on with my life and started a relationship with somebody else who I am still with. It was hard healing from the feeling of abandonment from the person you love so strongly, but please know that if he were to leave, you will be able to survive. Try your hardest to keep your relationship together while trying not to fall apart yourself. Don’t give him your all, because you’ll be left with nothing if he is not strong enough to be there for you at the same time. This is also a hard time for you, remember that. He can’t be the only one to make a decision about your relationship. I think that your relationship can be mended if your dream was to have a life and family together. Only the guys that choose to leave for no reason like my ex are the ones that are not worth keeping.
I sorry jessica but your partner was really ill and could not help what he did, your response was wrong you should have stood by him but at the same time kept your distance.
Thanks for your reply Jessica and Ken, has really helped me understand the situation a little better and that its not my fault he is pushing me away. So he broke down last night and apologised for being so cold. Told me he has depression, as we suspected and that he is a dark place at the moment. I asked him if he wants to move out and be on his own for a while and concentrate on getting himself well again. He said he doesn’t know what he wants that he isn’t able to make any decisions the way he is feeling. Don’t know where to from here now 🙁
Hi erica, all you can do is hang in there, but take a step back as depression is contagious and if you stay where you are you will go down with him, if he wants to leave you have to let him, im afraid there is nothing you can do, he has to do it himself, and it takes a long time, my girlfriend has been in this state for 10 months now.
How is everything going? Any updates?
I never do this but i do not know where to turn to b.c all my friends just do not understand anything about all this. I am not saying i even understand fully, but I am trying very hard to do that. My girlfriend had a very dramatic thing happen to her and she found out about something that happened in the past and is dealing with all sorts of everyday problems on top of her bipolar disorder on top of all that. So well we had been dating for over 4 months when this happened and i have fallen in love with her. I knew about this before hand but i was willing to accept it b/c i liked her and then things went so well on both sides i fell in love with her. So after the major event happened she started to become distant and mostly ignored my texts and would just say she is doing better and such. As the week goes by i want to go see her but she keeps making excuses and maybe i should have just went there but i did not want to seem like a weirdo so i waited and waited. Then about a week later from the time of the turmoil she calls me saying she can;t be with me anymore and i told her i would be there for her we can work this out and she informs me she cheated on me during this week. As a normal reaction i was enraged and lost control but i never insulted her or anything. I just lost it is all. I did not know what to do but just end it then and not talk to her. Well for the next week i went into depression myself and figured i needed to talk to her. But about one week later she sent me a text apologizing and stuff. We made a time for us to talk face to face and i told her my feelings, but she was not as open as i was. I decided i still loved her and wanted to be with her. But she continues to push me away saying ” i am too good for her” and i need to move on and stop thinking about her. We have talked and such since then and sometimes it feels she is open while others it feels like she doesnt want to be with me ever again. Seemingly to save me form her, but i do not want to be saved from her. I don’t know if i should give her time and hope she comes back or just keep trying. I dont want her to think i dont support or care but i dont ant to pressure her more and even make it worse. It is such a hard decision to make for me and i could lose the best girl i ever known . Sorry for long reply but hopefully someone who has dealt with this can help me. thanks.
roy royce, you have to stand back and give her plenty of space and i mean plenty! this is going to take a long time maybe a couple of years, just let her be, if she still has you in her heart when she is better she will come back to you, in the meantime you need to make yourself occupied, you have HER and your relationship on your mind SHE has a demon called depression to fight, what she has said to you is the depression talking not her this is common with depression my girlfriend has said the same things, keep busy man or you will go down too, just remember she may come back she may not, keep strong and all the best, if you need to talk to people go to the depression fallout site it will help you…………ken
Hie. My boyfriend is undergoing massive depression and I wasn’t aware of it until lately. We had a big spat where he was drinking massively and he came home on the eve of his birthday crying and screaming before kicking and throwing things around. He finally flung a beer bottle onto my chest and finally I threw his stuffs out of the house and told him to move after calling the cops on him. Nothing I did was going to make him feel better. Finally I stumbled upon articles on bipolar and depression. I finally mustered the courage to apologize to him for his birthday fiesta. He apologized in return and when I told him that I love him and I care and I miss him he was silent. I am not sure what to do as if I continued in texting him, will it be annoying for him considering he wants to be left alone? Or if I don’t would it saddened him even more. I love him to bits. He is shocked with the bit of me throwing him out of the house and I was acting only initially due to him going in a massive rage and throwing things around and finally to removing a knife and angling it initially at me before himself…what do I do?
Hi. I am posting this comment again as I think it might be helpful to you too. Before I post the comment, you were completely justified for putting him out. Depression or not, he hit you so you have to make yourself safe first before you can do anything to help him. With that said, here’s the comment I posted for Jay and Tina. Copying….pasting:
“Hey dude. I feel you on your story. It sounds so much like what I go through with my boyfriend. You mentioned that it’s been 2.5 weeks. Look at it this way….”it’s only been 2.5 weeks”. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years but trust me love it has not been an easy ride. With his disorder he has rejected me in the worst ways on several occasions and every time he would reject me it would be followed by “i’m not good enough for you” “I don’t feel like good boyfriend material” “I’m too unstable for all of this” “I cant give you what you deserve” “I feel like a horrible person because you’ve only been great to me” “you deserve someone better” and the whole works. Just like your girlfriend. The thing is Jay, when the depression strikes it’s like a demonic possession (if you believe in that sort of thing). Meaning, they say and do things and they can’t necessarily stop themselves. It’s much easier for them to be alone or talk to or hang out with friends or even ex’s because when they are around those people they can “turn off the feels” or they don’t have to deal with it. When they are in the “state” – (and you need to see it at just a “state” and not her true feelings) – it’s way too much for them to deal with their feelings AND yours….simply because they care “way too much” about you. It hurts them to know that they are hurting you too. But trust me she needs to know you’re still there for her. Notice when you asked her if she’s sure this is what she wants she said “I don’t know” that’s her way of saying “I can’t allow myself to hurt you anymore”. You can’t have her feeling like you’re hurting because of her state because THAT is too much for her. She’s not responding to you not because she “doesn’t want to talk to you” but because she CAN’T. The best thing you can do for her right now is to just give her space. It’s extremely painful. I know. It’s extremely difficult. The worst part about it for people like you and I is the feeling of helplessness. Because we love them and want to help them and we can’t. And yes Jay, you CAN’T help her. It’s something she has to do on her own without feeling like she’s hurting you. She needs to see that you’re okay. So my advice is that you say to her (and please don’t call her “babe” or any variation of that in this time) but say to her “[insert name here] I get it. I can’t say i know exactly what you’re feeling but I do get it. Just know that I’m here if you ever need me or even if you just want to talk. I still want to at least be a friend to you and if I can help be giving you space/backing off then that’s okay and I’m totally cool with that. Just please take care of yourself and remember that you can talk to me if you need to”…..Don’t put any “feelings” per se in it. Just simply be supportive. This is the difficult part because you’ll have to turn off your feelings or appear to. If she genuinely loves you, she will come around and if she doesn’t then at least now you know. In the mean time, don’t “pause your life” and don’t “wait for her to come back”. Continue making friends and distract yourself by doing things you love. I’m not saying you should rush into another relationship but don’t “wait”. Easier said than done. I know. But my boyfriend has always come around when he notices that I’ve stopped pushing and that I’ve stopped clinging to him so much because he gets to deal with his feelings without feeling like he’s hurting me and that’s what your girlfriend needs right now. You need to know that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you didn’t “do anything wrong”. You also need to know that you’ll be okay should things not work out and that you shouldn’t “blame yourself” because nothing is wrong with loving as hard as you did.
Sorry for the long post but I do hope this is helpful to you.”
thank you so so much.
I’m dealing with a man right now who did all this to me. He has mentioned to me prior to us being exclusive that he used to suffer from depression, and his dad has depression. I didn’t really think of it that much. He broke up with me twice in 6 months of being together. First, when he was very stressed out at work and just was not himself. When he was on vacation and all happy, he “remembered” me and apologized for how he handled things. Then again, after few weeks, he wasn’t himself again, stressed and kept telling me he doesn’t understand what’s going on with him and just feel generally “blah”. He broke up with me saying he needs to be alone. Everything was great between us, he just left me out of nowhere. I’m not sure what’s really going on, I’m still confused and hurt till now. Is it depression? Or idk. I don’t want to give up but I’m so hurt when he said “he can’t find happiness anywhere” and “maybe some other girl can make him happy”. Most painful experience for me!
Hi Tina. This is a comment I posted below in response to Jay and I thought it might be helpful to you so I’m copying it here:
“Hey dude. I feel you on your story. It sounds so much like what I go through with my boyfriend. You mentioned that it’s been 2.5 weeks. Look at it this way….”it’s only been 2.5 weeks”. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years but trust me love it has not been an easy ride. With his disorder he has rejected me in the worst ways on several occasions and every time he would reject me it would be followed by “i’m not good enough for you” “I don’t feel like good boyfriend material” “I’m too unstable for all of this” “I cant give you what you deserve” “I feel like a horrible person because you’ve only been great to me” “you deserve someone better” and the whole works. Just like your girlfriend. The thing is Jay, when the depression strikes it’s like a demonic possession (if you believe in that sort of thing). Meaning, they say and do things and they can’t necessarily stop themselves. It’s much easier for them to be alone or talk to or hang out with friends or even ex’s because when they are around those people they can “turn off the feels” or they don’t have to deal with it. When they are in the “state” – (and you need to see it at just a “state” and not her true feelings) – it’s way too much for them to deal with their feelings AND yours….simply because they care “way too much” about you. It hurts them to know that they are hurting you too. But trust me she needs to know you’re still there for her. Notice when you asked her if she’s sure this is what she wants she said “I don’t know” that’s her way of saying “I can’t allow myself to hurt you anymore”. You can’t have her feeling like you’re hurting because of her state because THAT is too much for her. She’s not responding to you not because she “doesn’t want to talk to you” but because she CAN’T. The best thing you can do for her right now is to just give her space. It’s extremely painful. I know. It’s extremely difficult. The worst part about it for people like you and I is the feeling of helplessness. Because we love them and want to help them and we can’t. And yes Jay, you CAN’T help her. It’s something she has to do on her own without feeling like she’s hurting you. She needs to see that you’re okay. So my advice is that you say to her (and please don’t call her “babe” or any variation of that in this time) but say to her “[insert name here] I get it. I can’t say i know exactly what you’re feeling but I do get it. Just know that I’m here if you ever need me or even if you just want to talk. I still want to at least be a friend to you and if I can help be giving you space/backing off then that’s okay and I’m totally cool with that. Just please take care of yourself and remember that you can talk to me if you need to”…..Don’t put any “feelings” per se in it. Just simply be supportive. This is the difficult part because you’ll have to turn off your feelings or appear to. If she genuinely loves you, she will come around and if she doesn’t then at least now you know. In the mean time, don’t “pause your life” and don’t “wait for her to come back”. Continue making friends and distract yourself by doing things you love. I’m not saying you should rush into another relationship but don’t “wait”. Easier said than done. I know. But my boyfriend has always come around when he notices that I’ve stopped pushing and that I’ve stopped clinging to him so much because he gets to deal with his feelings without feeling like he’s hurting me and that’s what your girlfriend needs right now. You need to know that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you didn’t “do anything wrong”. You also need to know that you’ll be okay should things not work out and that you shouldn’t “blame yourself” because nothing is wrong with loving as hard as you did.
Sorry for the long post but I do hope this is helpful to you.”
This article has een very helpful. My boyfriend suffers from chronic depression and within the last few weeks I was noticing changes in his tone, behavior and over all mood. He’s on the road a lot and our time spent together most recently was less than what I thought it was. I also noticed how drastically his mood, weight and actions had changed since I saw him last. So I went to research things I could do to help and came across this article. It helped me realize that it isn’t about me, even though I felt I was failing. Sure enough, today came and he spiraled down into a bad depression. Talking about wanting to be forgotten. So I kept this article in mind, offered perspective, love and support and gave him his space. I know he’ll be okay. It hurts me to feel pushed out and to not be able to comfort him in the ways an otherwise “normal” couple could but I’m gaining strength for myself by remembering these principles and in the end that makes me stronger for him. Thank you so much.
I have read everyone’s posts, a lot of which could have been written by me! Especially Dionne’s, which mirrors exactly what my partner of 8 years did.
What I really would like to know is, can there be a happy ending? I text my partner every day and we skype every 2 to 3 days. He still uses terms of endearment and says he loves me. But he doesn’t want to see me, at least for now. My heart is breaking. Please someone tell me that it will work out……
Myself and my partner are 23 years old and have been together for 4 years. He has been diagnosed with depression and bipolar since he was 13. When he is up or normal, our relationship is fantastic. When he is down, I feel like it’s worthless. Like I’m worthless to him. He isn’t on medication, and isn’t getting counselling, he feels counselling doesn’t help, nor does drugs and feels he’s out of options as he isn’t cured after 10 years living with his problems. I love him, but I don’t know how to get us through this. It’s good to see this website, and have reinforcement that I’m not hated by him, but the illness makes me seem useless.
Hi all,
I stumbled across this article while doing a lot of introspection and decided to hit the internet and gain insight from others who had experienced the same thing. The subject of what I was searching for was whether I should ‘confess my feelings to my best friend’ .I had actually informed her yesterday that I would take myself out of her life as I felt I was in the way. I know she deserves better, despite my love for her and despite her for a long period before being in love with me.
Yes, I know this seems off topic here. but let me elaborate, after all I somehow came across this article.
In terms of the Article, I am the one on the other side of who the article addresses. The one suffering from depression. Yes it is a painful thing to go through. I had gotten retrenched from a promising job at the verge of making progress in that part of my life. I suffered bad relationships and disappointment and rejection. I saw and was well aware of the change in my personality and it hurts even in the moment when you out and you realize that you not acting like yourself. It hurts even more when you no longer the person you were with those close to you. You push away those that love you most.
My best friend booked me in with a reflexologist, first time I had tried it and didn’t know what to expect. The reflexologist had serious worries about me, said I was suffering from significant depression (It’s been years), She told me my spirit was very low and its affecting my health. She said many things and I was utterly surprised at how correct she was, as I didn’t even expect this sort of counsel.
Nonetheless , The point of me posting a comment is, I wish that the person I pushed out of my life, the one I hold so dear would have came across this article. Maybe it would have helped her understand some of the things I did and save her from hurt she may have felt. The other point is, that if you are one like me suffering from depression, try your best to hold onto those close to you and don’t let depression spit and spread its venom to pushing the one you love away. As much as you hope they could understand how it feels to feel like you are …. try to keep in mind and understand how they feel too. I miss my best friend and took me so long to realize the feelings I have for her because I have been too caught up in this depression, as far down as I thought possible, in a place I felt I thought I dwelled alone where there seems no way out. For those that don’t know, I can confirm that when feeling so low, death can feel welcomed. I’m not saying I’m suicidal because my upbringing and beliefs steer me away from this, but what I am saying is you feel like you would be better off dead. You don’t tend to see the point of going on. This darkness feels permanent and no matter how you try and hope you just cant seem to get yourself out.
My apologies for the very long post. Guess there is just much to say.
WOW! This is the best article I’ve ever seen about being the loved one of somebody with depression, particularly a significant other because it speaks directly from the perspective of how things really happen, there’s no fluff in this article. Part 4 “Interpreting Rejection” is the 1 of the most difficult things you experience because your loved ones behavior confuses you so much you’re not sure whether it’s personal or it’s not. You’re also thinking in the back of your mind is this depression or am I the issue. It’s not supposed to be normal to you, and that’s the point. My girlfriend of 2 years started having issues roughly a year ago. Before the illness started to set in, we were amazing & fantastic together. When the illness started to creep in Nov/Dec of last year…it gradually just got worse & worse over the next 6-8 months. It got to the point that we were barely talking, texting or seeing each other & that resulted in alot of arguments because she was suffering & built up certain resentments towards me because I was trying to talk about how this was affecting us, what she was feeling, the concern for her, and just wanting to be close & loving with her. It doesn’t work like that when your significant other is suffering. They don’t want to talk about what they are going through, or their feelings, or the relationship. I advise anybody who is in my situation BACK OFF but do it with love! You have to let your significant other who is suffering from depression come to you when they are ready to talk and be expressive. If you decide you’re going to be in their life, you have to respectful of them & respectful enough to understand that if you’re going to ride it out with them you really follow the protocol Robin listed above.
This article and replies have really helped me understand depression a lot better, unfortunately I fear it is too late for myself and my now ex girlfriend. I had done plenty of prior research on depression and bipolar behaviors but nothing put it into perspective like this. Like most relationships that start this way things were amazing at first, but the deeper we got into our relationship, the more feelings and trust that were developed I soon found out how her depression could cripple her. There were the waves of feeling like and being told I was the best thing to ever happen to her, lovey messages and emails while I would sleep at night, followed by sudden changes of distance and cold behavior. Behavior that left me feeling anxious, insecure, and blaming myself for it. I always thought I was doing something wrong especially when one moment she loved how protective, caring, and sweet I was. How good I was to her, the small surprises I would do for her or things I would get her. To being too emotional, she couldn’t handle my emotions suddenly, I was too affectionate and she felt overwhelmed… And I was left feeling like I worthless no good boyfriend helpless and not good enough for her. I would try and talk to her when she would tell me she felt depressed and her response would always be “I’ll be fine” or “don’t pressure me”. She considered herself a vault when it came to feelings and had intimacy issues wen when she was affectionate, it would be akward. She went from seeming head over heals in love for me for 2 months to just becoming distant, hanging with her girlfriends at her house or at theirs (most of them have families and kids tod) seeming like she was happy with them but would be cold toward me. The i miss you messages seemed to stop, the affection, going from 20 text pics a day to 0-2. It was like a polar shift. She would always say things to me on and off through our 10 month relationship like “idk why you even like me!”, “im such a bitch and you’re so nice and obviously care about me”, “I can’t give you what you need, you deserve someone better”, etc… The anger outbursts were there, the spurts of alcoholism, shopping.. I always told her I was there for her no matter what but the rejection and distancing followed by extreme love and affection caused my anxiety which I needed to get medicated for. Everytime she would get cold and distant I thought surely she was going to rid of me, but would tell me otherwise if I asked. After our amazing 2 months she just went cold literally overnight, started drowning herself in her work and left very little
Time for me. She stopped actively communicating with me letting me know if she was busy or how her day was going, would go 6 hours without a word.. But kept hanging out with her friends at night. She would always say goodnight but she clearly was different. Finally I hired a new girl at work (strictly proffesional) and she became very jealous which isn’t like her. She would insult her when I would be working the same shift, and become annoyed. I reassured her everyday she had nothing to worry about, after all I love her deeply but never told her because she didn’t believe in love. Again intimacy issues, and I was afraid if I told her she would run off. She got short and distant again and I asked her why, and got frustrated telling her I couldn’t read her mind and hated when she was short with me unexpectedly. Her response shocked me to the core.. That j had been badgering her with questions while she was busy (I never knew she was busy because she was still actively texting me during the day and didn’t relay this to me) that we weren’t right for eachother anymore. That changed to her feeling anxious all the time and guilty because I’ve only treated her amazing and she didn’t appreciate me for what I had truly been. She said I truly deserves someone better than her, someone who could be affectionate, caring, and give me what I need because she wasn’t capable of opening up that much. She said she still had strong feelings for me and she didn’t believe in love but if she did that all the signs were there of being in love with me, her heart just couldn’t go that far anymore. She said she had been self harming again, that she was too messed up. “How can someone as messed up as me be with someone like you? How? It matters, it makes no sense”. She seemed unsure and kept saying “I don’t know”. When I asked her if that’s what she really wanted she said “I don’t know, I don’t know what to do” and kept saying “I’m so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you”. In the end I couldn’t change her mind, I tried, I told her I didn’t want this and that I would be there for her, that she must not have been thinking clearly at the time. But she stuck to her guns. The last thing she said was she sent me an email that same night saying “I just want to let you know I’m sorry. Again.” And I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been 2.5 weeks, I sent her a letter and her Christmas present I had bought her… An enbroidered fleece blanket… With no response on her end. She has seemingly initiated no contact. I’m left feeling worthless, ashamed, guilty, depressed, anxious. I miss her so much and my heart physically aches everyday. I loved every part of her for who she was and for one moment of frustration I feel as though I’ve lost her forever and I cannot forgive myself or stop blaming myself for it. If I would’ve done this differently or that, what could I have done differently? I did everything i could for her to make her feel loved and special CONSTANTLY. Yet I am left feeling like I was the cause of her leaving, that I am the one who wasn’t good enough for her. I am devastated.
Hey dude. I feel you on your story. It sounds so much like what I go through with my boyfriend. You mentioned that it’s been 2.5 weeks. Look at it this way….”it’s only been 2.5 weeks”. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years but trust me love it has not been an easy ride. With his disorder he has rejected me in the worst ways on several occasions and every time he would reject me it would be followed by “i’m not good enough for you” “I don’t feel like good boyfriend material” “I’m too unstable for all of this” “I cant give you what you deserve” “I feel like a horrible person because you’ve only been great to me” “you deserve someone better” and the whole works. Just like your girlfriend. The thing is Jay, when the depression strikes it’s like a demonic possession (if you believe in that sort of thing). Meaning, they say and do things and they can’t necessarily stop themselves. It’s much easier for them to be alone or talk to or hang out with friends or even ex’s because when they are around those people they can “turn off the feels” or they don’t have to deal with it. When they are in the “state” – (and you need to see it at just a “state” and not her true feelings) – it’s way too much for them to deal with their feelings AND yours….simply because they care “way too much” about you. It hurts them to know that they are hurting you too. But trust me she needs to know you’re still there for her. Notice when you asked her if she’s sure this is what she wants she said “I don’t know” that’s her way of saying “I can’t allow myself to hurt you anymore”. You can’t have her feeling like you’re hurting because of her state because THAT is too much for her. She’s not responding to you not because she “doesn’t want to talk to you” but because she CAN’T. The best thing you can do for her right now is to just give her space. It’s extremely painful. I know. It’s extremely difficult. The worst part about it for people like you and I is the feeling of helplessness. Because we love them and want to help them and we can’t. And yes Jay, you CAN’T help her. It’s something she has to do on her own without feeling like she’s hurting you. She needs to see that you’re okay. So my advice is that you say to her (and please don’t call her “babe” or any variation of that in this time) but say to her “[insert name here] I get it. I can’t say i know exactly what you’re feeling but I do get it. Just know that I’m here if you ever need me or even if you just want to talk. I still want to at least be a friend to you and if I can help be giving you space/backing off then that’s okay and I’m totally cool with that. Just please take care of yourself and remember that you can talk to me if you need to”…..Don’t put any “feelings” per se in it. Just simply be supportive. This is the difficult part because you’ll have to turn off your feelings or appear to. If she genuinely loves you, she will come around and if she doesn’t then at least now you know. In the mean time, don’t “pause your life” and don’t “wait for her to come back”. Continue making friends and distract yourself by doing things you love. I’m not saying you should rush into another relationship but don’t “wait”. Easier said than done. I know. But my boyfriend has always come around when he notices that I’ve stopped pushing and that I’ve stopped clinging to him so much because he gets to deal with his feelings without feeling like he’s hurting me and that’s what your girlfriend needs right now. You need to know that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you didn’t “do anything wrong”. You also need to know that you’ll be okay should things not work out and that you shouldn’t “blame yourself” because nothing is wrong with loving as hard as you did.
Sorry for the long post but I do hope this is helpful to you.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. You have no idea how much it’s helped me. I am currently going through this with my boyfriend (should say ex as he broke up with me due to his depression last month, but it just doesn’t feel right saying ‘ex’. We’ve been together for 4 years). We still text each other every day and he still has moments when he’s affectionate with me. We met up a couple weeks ago and we got on great. Wasn’t like we had broke up. Only thing is he broke down crying in my arms the day he had to go back home. I still have hope that he will make a full recovery and that we will be back together again someday, because I’ve told him that I still believe the man I fell in love with is still there deep down. We still have a connection and he tells me he still loves and cares about me, but told me not to put my life on hold for him and he can’t make any promises. I always try to reassure him that I will love him and support him unconditionally and he really appreciates that. Things we great between us before his depression; we were planning to move in together, talked about our future, even how many kids we’re going to have and their names! He would always call me his angel and that I saved him and without me he wouldn’t know what to do, so when he first told me that he had doubts I would be truly happy living with him I panicked and thought he might have found someone else (he promised me that he hadn’t), but then I came to realise he was depressed. I asked him if he was, and after a few days he confessed he was indeed depressed and is worried about me being brought down by his depression. He’s had it before, 2 years ago, brought on my stress at work and would always question me why I loved him. But I didn’t really put it down to depression till he told me that he went to the doctor and got anti-d’s. Which he never took. We’re just taking each day as it comes now. I told him there’s no pressure. But reading a blog like this is such a great help for those of us on the receiving end on depression. Stay strong everyone and ALWAYS have hope that your loved ones will recover and be with you once again. X
I walked away from a relatioship after 5 months it was tearing me apart and like most i gave lots of love then my partner rejected me love , passion all gone i began to see that this road was not for me.
Am i selfish 100% i have a choice give love support cherish who i am with and love life to the full whether good times or bad times come . don’t live be afraid to talk ,express , comment , laugh . love and enjoy life each person have to look at their life and decide what is best for them.
In the short time i was with my GF i was into her in a big way but when her depression became bigger than everything life has to offer i knew it was time to walk and i have never looked back because i know the next guy will end up in the same situation .
I was boyfriend number 4 in 3yrs numbers 5,6,7,8,9,10 i wish you luck because a nightmare is coming your way.
This article is great. My boyfriend informed me about a month ago that he was going through depression (because I asked if everything was ok after he did a 180 out of nowhere started backing away). I can’t tell you how difficult it is to not take this personally. It’s been a very hard month for me and I don’t know when it will end, but I am definitely book marking this site for those interpretations.
Wow reading all of these comments saddens me , but I know I am not alone in all of this . I keep on thinking why me? Why him? All what I want is to have him back and to have our life back . Please let me know what I can do to help!!
It really saddens me to see all of these comments , but I helps me not to feel so alone going through this with my partner ! I need to know what I can do to help him… What is the right thing to do? Do I call him all the time so he knows I am here for him or do I just give him space ? I really need your help?
I’ve been dating a woman for 1.5 years. Its been an emotional challenge at times with her losing her job 4 months ago after 17 years and now having a personal health scare but we both love each other and most times enjoy each others company and get along well. It seems like the first two weeks of February 2014 and now 2015 there was a drastic change in her social behavior with me only. She seems to still surround herself with friends at times but seems to always push me away drastically during this time of year. Its always the same exact thing for both years now and is almost patternlike. I have been researching bipolar depression and things are starting to point to her possibly suffering from this. She was on Lexpro and xanax when we first met 3 years ago from a difficult divorce at that time but has stopped taking it in 2013/2014. I suffer from anxiety and her distance pushes me over the edge at times..I love her so much and feel like her distance is only temporary but I have given her her space to not make things anymore difficult on her. Am I going about this correctly? Sure doesnt feel like it…
I realize there has been no new comment in a few months, but I’ve read this & I think it’s quite helpful & thank you for that !
I’m 25 years old but still very VERY young, whether it is physically (I look like a 17 y old kid) or mentally. I’d been pining for 5 years for this girl friend of mine (same age, but same type of deal, looks very young & very much a kid like in some ways). Last August, I had the courage to declare myself, she just got out of a very bad relationship with a former friend of mine (complicated right?) who treated her very badly, and she has been in several similar relationships in the past, making her very doubtful & scared sometimes.
Anyway, I live in France, so did she, and she went back to England in September (till June) to try to get her degree there to be able to teach French wherever she wants next. Since September, we’ve been extremely close & slowly but surely, the relationship transitioned from friendship to love, even though she’s always been careful of not putting a label on it saying for example when she was falling, that she didnt understand what was happening to her, she was in a daze & couldnt stop thinking about me.
We were Skyping 5 to 6 times a week, constantly asking what the other was doing, being sweet to each other, loving, cheesy a lot of the times, telling each other everything, sharing everything, me supporting her because she’s alone over there, in a small room on a campus, and it hasn’t been easy.
There was a time in October where she was crying on Skype, ready to give up and go home, she’s very close to her family in France, and had a hard time being away from us, I encouraged to keep going & she pulled herself together, it went well even though she told me she had days sometimes where she wouldn’t let me see her, and she would cry & be in a dark place.
We saw each other several times in December, it was wonderful, it felt natural, we were very much “in fusion” so to speak, she officially labelled me as her boyfriend, then we spent 2 or 3 days apart because of Christmas, and she started having doubts, getting scared, then on New Year’s Eve, she cries & tells me all about her previous relationships, why they failed, that she gets scared & tends to leave first before the other has the chance to abandon her, she wants to go back to a status btw friend & boyfriend for that reason.
But after that, everything goes back to normal, just like before, 3 weeks ago, we make plans to be with each other in England next week, or what was supposed to be next week, she’s ecstatic at the prospect of me coming over there, for her to show me everything she wanted to show me, she’s being very loving, even teasing me a little bit as to what I should expect, a friend of hers offers to lend her her house over there for the 5 days, and she tells me about the news with so much excitement & happiness.
Then, a week passes, she starts sleeping a lot (she used to go back from work or class, and “nap” for 2 to 3 hours straight, sometimes more), I already know that she practically never goes out & stays in her room, then the next week, we Skype only once, she feels different to me, she’s not sharing as much, then for the next two weeks, she withdraws completely, I get one or two texts per day, she no longer tells me about her day, she doesnt share, she’s not excited to hear about what I did, she stops doing stuff that we did together, she tells me she’s really sick & goes to see a doctor (thinking she had the flu or something), she spends her time sleeping.
Then she tells me that she wants us to be friends, that she’s sick mentally & physically, that she’s lost all desire for anything, that she feels lonely & wants to come home next week instead to see her family, that she doesn’t want to hurt me, so that’s why she stays away (I’ve had two hellish weeks), that she’s not ready for our relationship, that our closeness is pretty rare for her, that she’s had it with very few select people who took advantage of her & disappointed her so much, that she’s going to take care of it on her own & get better & I should take care of myself.
Needless to say I was blown away, speechless, she’s completely cut me off (everyone else as well she told me) and I’m suffering like crazy, my dad is a psychiatrist, so he helped me make sense of it, and I just couldn’t understand how she can go from this incredible excitement, loving attitude three weeks ago (and she mentioned a future with me several times, even saying that she wanted that with me, which was a contradiction with her fear) to this right now.
I’ve informed myself & read this article, and it’s exactly what it is, it’s like the girl I loved has vanished & been replaced by the version I have now in my life, she’s going to spend most of her next week with her family, and I’m only going to see her a few hours, she seems scared to see me, hoping it’s not going to hurt me too much. I just want to see her, hoping that it’s going to do us both good. What she needs in my opinion is to come home definitely, she cannot handle being alone by herself over there, and she needs professional help, even though she seems to think she can “get better” by herself.
She did encourage me to take care of myself (having a hard time lately), I’m going to support her no matter what, even if not wanted, and then wait, hoping that she comes back to me at some point & we can go back to the way things were.
Sorry for the super long post, I thank the select few who’ll have the courage to read it !
This has been a really rough week on me because my girlfriend of three years told me some of the things in your article (I’m not sure if I want this relationship, I haven’t been thinking positively about our relationship, I need space) and said she needed a break. This isn’t the first time that depression has affected her life, but this is the worst I’ve ever seen it. We haven’t been able to see each other a whole lot recently because of work/class schedules being complete opposites and because of that I completely missed the signs that she was suffering and I made her feel worse by when I could see her being overly romantic. She’s my best friend, and honestly for the last few days I’ve been suffering a mild case of depression my self. I’ve been trying to take care of myself by being around other people and exercising and just by keeping busy but that doesn’t help when I’m sleeping. Regardless, I’ll be fine because I know this is only temporary. I just want to be by her side and hug her and let her know everything will be alright. I’ve known that what she said wasn’t her saying it. I’m just glad that I found an article that reinforces what I already believed. Thank you for that.
How did everything turn out?
My girlfriend of a year went very distant very quick started ignoring me ,we broke up in January she still kept contact a bit then stopped unless I text her , she said she needed space , then the last time I text her to say I’m always there for her and I still care, she said thanks and we will talk soon ,that was 3 weeks ago should I contact her or wait for a reply
This is such an insightful article. My long term gf broke things off with me because she seemed depressed about things in her life. She said she didn’t want to bring me down. After reading this, it has helped me better understand that its nothing personal against me. Thanks Robin for this type of insight into mental health.
By far the best advice I’ve read. Almost the exact words my partner speaks.
Wow… I finally have some clarity on what I am going through as being the partner of someone suffering from depression, thank you!!! I have been using my friends as counsellors in order to get me to understand a bit better & so I don’t go doing anything rash that would jeopardise my relationship with the man I love so much. When he has a “good day” & opens up a bit I mention if I am doing too much or too little… He practically jumps down my throat & says “God no, you’re doing everything right” & asks when I’m going to turn into a normal girl as I’m not being needy/questioning or demanding. I guess he’s waiting for me to crack & for my support & understanding to disappear. I know he still wants me but feels he can’t give me the quality at the moment that I deserve (his words), therefore questioning when I am going to leave – not an option! I can say it’s definitely hard & sometimes I feel I’m living a double existence… A ray of sunshine when talking to him & grey skies as soon as I’m talking to my friends about this or on my own. I don’t know how long I can endure this for but will continue to support him as best I know how… non confronting, questioning or demanding – just texts about what I’m up to, a simple “night night” or “thinking of you x”, and also the odd gift to brighten his day. Someone mentioned earlier in the thread about him wanting to continue the relationship if the partner was up for the rollercoaster ride… I certainly am 🙂
I really needed to read this article. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for nearly and year and a half. They broke up with me, saying that they feel guilty because they’ll never be good enough, and that all they do is hurt me. They’ve done this before, and come back to me. They were depressed long before they started dating me. They lost their mother to cancer suddenly, never got to say goodbye and feel like they’re disappointing their mother even in death. They had their ups and downs last year but ever-since they started working its gotten much worse. They feel exhausted because they overwork themselves are constantly being told they’re not good enough. Despite this he told me that I’m the only reason he didn’t give up on his life, that I’m the only reason he’s still sane after being overworked almost everyday for 7 months, that I’m the only one who understands him. He says he’s making a mistake pushing me away, but can’t stand seeing me hurt. His home environment is toxic as well, his step-mother is awful to him and his father seems to have forgotten him. Yesterday he got really angry with me, and I know he’s going to feel guilty because of it. Instead of getting upset with him, I told him its ok to feel angry, that I understand why given his circumstances.
I’m not going to give up on him though, he’s still young and me being their for him has helped him, so I will continue to offer my support. I just needed to read this article to know I’m not alone, and that there is hope. I will take the advice given here, even though its hard. I will give him space and let him know I’m doing ok (he’s been checking up on me). Its hard for him and me, he’s never had anyone who really cares about him so its strange, he can’t understand why he’d be worth all this effort and hurt, but as long as I’m there for him to provide support when he needs it, he’ll grow to begin & understand.
I absolutely loved this article, helped me take a big load off, it’s my first time I have experienced this. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3-4years and we were so close prior to this depression taking hold, I was so upset an hartbroken with the rejection because it wasn’t like her at all, am just wondering because she refuses to even see me is it a good idea still to txt? Even tho she doesn’t always reply? Thanks
Wow this article is exactly what I needed. My bf if 2.5 years just recently broke up with me. He said he was too numb inside and felt too guilty that he couldn’t love me the way I love him. He said he still cares a great deal of me and still wants us to talk but needs his space and time. He doesn’t want pressure and can’t promise anything. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days and have basically been crying my heart out wondering what went so wrong. This makes so much sense. He has also lost interest in everything else he was so passionate about. He kept saying he needs to feel a void in my absence and see what our relationship has to offer him. If he ever wants to give this a go… It needs to be out of love and not guilt or pressure. I’ve been trying to give him his space. I’m so scared that he might find someone else to help him get through this and it might be too late for me when the time comes to it. But he also said he needs me to stay strong for the both of us and be my original self. I really hope I don’t lose him completely. I’m willing to wait for as long as it takes. The only problem is… We’re currently long distance and he won’t let me come see him which kills me inside. What do I do? Will he leave for good?
Fantastic comments, my girlfriend (21) has depression and I’ve just found out, this is the best article I’ve found yet and i can only thank you for it. Its answered so many questions that i simply couldn’t ask.
Thank u so much for the post. I will be reading it often i know. My sweet gf is in depression thanks to the nice CPS and she is devastated. Now thanks to ur post i know i have instinctively choosen the correct way, not taking it personally and just going with the flow the days it gets harder. I let her know i love her so deeply and dont try to go into a fight against her feelings cause i know i cannot fight them. I can only be with her, hold her and show her my unconditional support, telling her that i dont want anyone that is not her.
Really grateful for this post. Thanks again.
Thank you beyond words.
How do I know the difference between him and the depression? How do I know that I’m not trapping him and making it worse? How do I know the difference between the depression and what he actually wants? How do I suggest getting professional help?
If he tells me he doesn’t want our relationship or that I make him feel worse, do I need to give him space and leave him alone? I don’t think I can cause I fear he’ll end up with his female best friend but I am trying to just be his friend. Is this what I should be doing?
Thanks, this is very helpful. Can anyone answer my question? He is changing medication due to short supply and pushed me away for my own safety. Do I just leave him, give him his space he has asked me for? Should I text just to let him know I love him and I am thinking of him? Its been 4 weeks and I’m going crazy. I tried to call today and I got a text saying, please don’t call me. I feel so helpless….
Ok!!!! Enough!!!! I received 68 emails from you in a 10 min. Period! STOP!!!!!! Please!!!! Filling up my emails! Thank you!!! Very annoying!
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 2015 18:03:16 +0000 To: tatevanzee@hotmail.com
How am I meant to cope when my boyfriend won’t see me because I make him feel guilty about how he should be acting since he doesn’t want to be romantic. He is spending a lot of time with another girl since she doesn’t make him feel bad but I feel so useless. Am I meant to let him break up me or am I supposed to help?
This isca awsome article. My girlfriend of almost 4 years is struggling with depression. All of the above statements she has said to me. I take it personally. After reaing this, i will tey harder to not take it personally. Like tonight, she had softball and is out with the team. I miss her so much but i onow she needs to get out for a while and unwind. She knows her friends wont ask her whats wrong untill she brings it up. I will be referrring to this article as well as the countless others in hopes that i can be a better bf to her. Thanks
This is the exact thing I’ve been looking for! My girlfriend told me going in to our relationship that she got depressed in winter and would shut down and push away if she thought I was being “clingy” and stuff. I knew it was coming. We have an amazing relationship. I thought I was ready for when it hit. I wasn’t. Everything changed. She doesn’t say mean things or anything like that. She just doesn’t say as much and doesn’t respond to texts like she used to. The flirting has all but ceased. She looks sad and pulls me close one minute and the next moves far away but at night she holds me tighter than ever. She really does just want to do nothing when we’re together. And that’s ok with me. It’s just different how quiet she is. It’s hard not to feel like I did something or have upset her when it’s clear I haven’t done anything and she does want me there. If only just to help with dishes and watch old reruns of Andy Griffith. This was a mighty helpful article, though. It said stuff I already know but it’s that reassurance that others know what’s happening too. Thank you.
Makes so much sense to read but so hard to practice in reality.
I am in the throes of the push/pull cycle and it’s done me in. We can’t let go although the odds are stacked against us. The past 12 months have pulled us apart and the fall out and implications that have been caused as a result of my partners depression have been chatostrophic. We have split up, I’ve moved out, got back together, split up, completely walked away, she’s kissed another guy, I’ve fallen apart yet we are still hanging in there together and she claims she still needs me and loves me.
So many times I’m aware of how unhealthy this all is. I feel like I’ve been going through the longest relationship break up ever. My life has been turned upside down and my friends think I’m mad hanging in there with her. I’ve tried to walk away I really have and this past weekend where I found out about her kissing another man should have been it for me but no no she comes back and I welcome her with open arms. Why? Because I know her Ilness isn’t who she is.
Thank you so much for this post as it brings hope to me and hopefully my partner.
About Robin’s comment that it’s even harder for the partner, it’s totally true, you presence sometimes making it worse.
Ex- girlfriend has been depressed for two years (was away in England, she’s now coming home, she can’t take it anymore), I was kind of the only good thing for a while and it probably kept her head mostly above the water, we had a wonderful time in December when she came home, then she started being scared of the relationship (she’s had many failed relationships before, always the same), saying she knows how it always ends, and that the way we were basically, it couldn’t last.
Still, in January, we were still very tight, I was supposed to go spend 5 days with her in England, she was so happy and excited, and then, out of nowhere, contact starts dwindling, she tells me she’s depressed, and needs to be alone, and proceeds to do what depressed partners often do, ie belittling herself, saying I’m better off without her, why do I love her, why her, that she’s nothing special, that she can’t give me what I’m looking for.
It’s been very complicated after that, slowly, she started coming back, it was like it was before, she comes here, we are very intimate so to speak, but she says she still isn’t sure, she doesn’t know. It’s basically a rollercoaster, when she was well, she was optimistic and wanted to move forward with me, when she was bad, the relationship was toxic and she didn’t want a relationship in her mind.
Anyway, the week before she comes home for a few days, back in April, she’s super optimistic about us, wants to see where it goes, she wants to kiss me, be with me, we talk about our intimacy, all of that, three days later, we spend a day together, she’s tense, nervous, anxious, like she’s not feeling well with me, she’s scared of holding hands, yet we kiss several times, go figure.
Fast forward to May, communication has died down, she says she “felt” (the depression talking I assume) that day we spent together that there was something wrong, that she was stuck, that she couldn’t see a future for us (what???? when we talked about it a short time before that) and we needed to end things, but she didn’t want to lose me and still wanted to be friends (of course, anyway, I’m willing to do anything).
She comes home for the summer, we talk about it, she tells me it’s complicated this time, that she doesn’t know (keeps going back & forth), but we’re still in contact, we see each other a couple of times but with friends there, I don’t like it, she says she wants to spend time with me but it doesn’t feel like it.
Two weeks ago, she tells me she can’t lie to me anymore, that I’ve been there when she was sinking, that she has a lot of affection (lol) for me (should be said that she never said I love you to anyone), that I’m great, but I don’t deserve this, and basically, she’s with someone else since TADAM this summer, so she’s been lying to me, pushing me away, little by little, and basically she says that I was too “there”, too present, I’m giving my everything with her, I’m there, present, good times and bad.
I’m honestly the best you can possibly be at this, but she got her heart broken just before I came along by someone who didn’t care at all about her, and I was the total opposite, and she says this one is basically in the middle, saying they each have their own lives, ie he doesn’t care that much and it seems to suit her just fine.
So thanks depression, thanks a lot ! She basically probably thinks that I put too much pressure on her, that she’s not worthy of it, that i’m better off without her, and she’s doing me a solid. She’s home now (she quit her job over there, so yeah, she basically destroyed everything, self sabotaged everything (us, her job, etc), she seems to create those situations by herself and setting herself up for failure), I hope she’s going to seek therapy, because she’s just been out of control for months, and she’s lost, and I pay a high price for that.
The article was good, but reading all of these posts makes me feel more hopeless than ever! There is nothing I can do or say to help my bf while is in this depression. It’s impossible not to take the rejection personally. I’m panicking! I know he’s going to break up with me any day now , I can feel it. I’ve read it in all the posts above. He’s so distant and barely talking to me anymore. I know it’s the depression but there’s nothing I can do or say to bring him out of it. There’s nothing I can do or say to make him be sexual, sensual, loving, fun, playful, flirty again. All I can do is be supportive, but extremely sad, and just wait and hope. I don’t want to live with just hope alone. I’m torn up! I love him and I just want things to go back to the way they were and right now I don’t know if they ever will. I feel worse after reading all these posts because I didn’t hear any hope, just people commiserating the same hopelessness.