Ideas for Loving Someone Living With Bipolar Disorder
Loving someone with bipolar disorder isn’t easy, but we sure are loveable.
Here are some ideas that may help when the one you love is living with bipolar disorder:
1. A long tight hug will get so much farther than any words.
When your partner is agitated or emotional, no words that you say will make them better. If you use words, it will be very easy for your partner to misunderstand or feel threatened and become more agitated.
Your partner needs to regulate themselves. The way you can help is by taking them in your arms and giving them a tight long hug. As you are hugging them, focus on breathing deeply and encourage them to join you. You will feel the muscles in your partner’s body relax. Their heart rate will slow down. Lastly, they should experience calmness and because they are in the arms of someone who loves them, they should feel safe.
Now your partner is ready to talk.
2. An imaginary remote control that has a pause and rewind button.
We express ourselves without thinking. Every emotion we have or imagine in our minds easily escapes our mouths.
When your partner is having difficulty with this challenge it can easily and probably will lead to conflict in a relationship.
If you expect your partner to be able to not impulsively express themselves, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Instead, expect your partner to speak before they think and give them a gift of a remote control.
To use this imaginary remote control all your partner has to do is say “PAUSE”, just as they are getting themselves into trouble with their words. If it’s too late and their words have already caused trouble, all they have to do is say “REWIND” and then take a moment to pause and correct their mistake by actually thinking before speaking.
If you are kind enough to give your partner one of these special remotes, you get one too!
3. Your partner needs to take responsibility for how they live with Bipolar Disorder, NOT YOU.
If your partner is making their bipolar disorder your responsibility to manage and you accept the responsibility, you are enabling them to practice behaviors that will only do more harm than good. It may feel like you are helping them, but you are not.
Your partner living with bipolar disorder needs to be responsible for educating themselves about the disorder, taking their medication consistently, being in therapy, making the sacrifices they need to make in order to be stable and doing the best they can to reduce harm to themselves and you by preventing episodes if possible.
If your partner is releasing their emotions on you and it is hurting you, it is NOT okay. Your partner can learn how to release and contain their own emotions through other vehicles, for instance therapy. It is your responsibility to let your partner know that impulsive release of emotion hurts you. It is your partner’s responsibility to learn how to channel their emotion in a way that is safe for the both of you.
Because your partner is living with bipolar disorder, they may not be able to contain their emotions consistently everyday. However, they can improve and do better. There is no excuse for not trying their best to contain their emotions using other vehicles and tools that I will share in an upcoming blog.
4. Do NOT get on the emotional roller coaster with your partner.
Your partner is living with bipolar disorder. This means that they are going to roller coaster from positive to negative to positive etc emotions. DON’T GET ON THE ROLLER COASTER WITH THEM.
If you accept your partner to do this and are not affected by it you can have a good day and not be hurt and think you are going insane. However, if you get on this roller coaster with your partner, both of you will be nuts. Nothing good will come out of it.
Don’t try to make sense of the emotional roller coasters, instead you can simply hug your partner. Your partner will work their way off of the roller coaster eventually. The emotional roller coaster is simply a ride of emotions that your partner is feeling that may or may not have anything to do with their current experience.
Another action you can take that may help your partner gain awareness are the words “STOP IT.” or “Stop it, you are roller-coastering.” When said in a loving and caring way, versus an angry way, these words will bring someone into a different kind of awareness that takes them outside of their emotional process and into a reflective thinking process.
5. The Gift of Forgiveness & Acceptance
When you love someone with bipolar disorder they are going to do and say things that they will need you to forgive them and accept them for.
This does not mean that hurtful actions are okay, but it means that when they do happen, after you talk about it with your partner…the greatest gift you can give them is to let them know that you still love them, accept them, and forgive them and know that they are doing their best.
Receiving the gift of forgiveness and acceptance, opens the door for your partner to be able to forgive and accept you more freely and easily. It gives you permission to make mistakes and enjoy your gift of the imaginary remote control.
By taking these actions with your partner, your partner may be able to better return the love that you so deserve.
You know, my husband asked me to look at these blogs. I asked him, well does she write to significant others? He says, oh yes, but it is primarily directed to the bipolar.
You don’t have to post this, your moderation is your perogative. But since you have broached the subject of the support of significant others…
I have noticed that you are similar to TOO MANY other sites out there. The assumption is that purely because a person has a diagnosis that the communication problems are 90% thiers. This is unadulterated BS. And I am really, really, really tired of being involved in a theraputic industry that subscribes to this belief.
I have bipolar disorder. I am high functioning, as you have been, most of the time. I have also gotten a master’s degree post diagnosis.
But I also live with a man who has issues. And my mother has issues. And my mother cannot always be there for me. My therapist can only be there one day a week. My husband, when “threatened” by any manifestation of this illness goes into hyper control mode which usually includes bullying language, demeaning comments, belittling comments and threats of having me thrown in the hospital.
What is my response to this? I go from functioning and doing what I know is best to manage myself to a screaming cursing lunatic. And all the resentment that I hold inside all the rest of the time comes out. Which just gives him an excuse to call me crazy and a whole lot of other really nice things….
Now, for instance, today this scene played itself out thus:
I discontinued seroquel (under supervision) but it seems to be doing the protracted withdrawal dance on my brain. I have been having HELL lately with it. I am scared out of my mind that the drugs have permanently nureologically scarred me. My brain isn’t working up to par, anxiety attacks, too much to list here.
Now, I am also pretty conversant on supplements and I have for 8 years investigated the conversation of cessation of psychiatric drugs for supplements, lifestyle etc. I am not an idiot. This morning I called a counselor from a company who helps people get off the drugs and discussed what was going on. She confirmed what I already thought, that good multi-amino acid complex might help my body tolerate the withdrawal symptoms.
So off we go to the health food store (he drives me, KNOWS why I am going) and he waits until we are there to begin to throw a fit that I am not a doctor, I can’t make these decisions for myself, I don’t know what I am doing, He isn’t going to end up spending hours in the er because I made an impulsive decision.
And I am in the middle of one of these attacks and I told him so. He embarrassed me in the store. As usual talking to me like I am a 3 year old. Then when I tried to tell him all the stress I was under and why the aminos would help, he discounted my entire experience, substituting his own current issues as more important than mine.
I didn’t say a word. I walked away. Went back to the parking lot. Sent a text to say where I was and that I didn’t appreciate him putting the focus on himself givin the circumstances. I got in the car and put on the a/c and curled up in the seat with a jacket for a pillow and waited.
the second he got in the car he lit into me in his nasty, nasty tone about “public scenes”. For 10 years, he can bully me and push me around in public in a quiet voice and if I walk away from him, I have made a public scene.
I tried to stay quiet. Then I didn’t. And we will probably not talk for a few days now.
So here is what I would like to see a “professional” write about:
1. Sig others know NOTHING about this illness. Unless and until you have done the reading and attended the therapy – shut up.
2. If your bipolar begs for 8 years to reasonably taper down under a psychiatrist’s care and you refuse, THEN she starts having medication side effects that are intolerable – kick yourself for being a selfish ass and let her take care of her self SAFELY with supplements. What the heck can a small amount of amino acids do?
3. If your bipolar has started freaking out and screaming “for no apparant reason” you need to go for a walk and think about what you may have said. If you can’t find something you may have said – you need to go to therapy and TRUTHFULLY AND VERBATIM repeat what was said.
(Hey, its what I do even though I am accused of lying in therapy to spin things my way. HA! who would ever get better doing that?)
4. If your bipolar doesn’t want to be intimate, leave them alone. Guilting them into everyday sex they don’t want to have just causes them to push farther inside themselves.
Here is my point: Although it is obvious that I am in an abusive relationship – possibly mutually abusive but I take exception to that because my motives are to back him out of my face and get space for myself he would otherwise not give. His motives are to control his fears via controlling me.
Okay – abusive….my feeling is that more mentally ill people than not are in abusive personal and family relationships and most blogs and books (ex. stop walking on eggshells) are written as though the family members are perfectly healthy victims of the person with the diagnosis.
A. most of those family members contributed to the circumstances causal to the diagnosis!
B. how healthy is a person attracted to someone with bipolar disorder? come on! only in a perfect world is that kind of a person not going to be incredibly co-dependant!
Which is, hey, co-dependency is okay – unless they start making the bipolar the reason for all thier angst, failures and half-measures. And the evil resentment sits and waits until that moment when the bipolar is least able to withstand the attack.
So, I think, 13 years later…that we need to be very careful what we say to significant others because I believe there are far more sickos out there that “read what they want to read” and twist it to serve thier purposes than there are people genuinely interested in understanding that thier very presence makes them part of the problem as well as part of the solution – unless they refuse to be part of the solution.
Your post was a very polite and politically correct discussion of this issue as painted on canvas. This issue isn’t presented on canvas. It is more an experience of sifting through the garbage for recyclables and putting them in a basket. The art then becomes forcing yourself to look at the filth and the stink and say “hey, what did I contribute to this?”
Hey – non-bipolar person….what did you contribute to the in sanity today?
Thank you Jan for sharing. I believe you just wrote the blog that you want to receive and now other people who share your experience are able to feel not alone.
I’m not able to write a blog the way you just did because it’s not my experience. Therefore, I support and encourage you to voice your experience.
Hi, I have a dear friend with Bipolar and I could not imagine in a million years treating him they way your husband treats you. Im so sad for you. People with Bipolar need support and understanding. I usually say nothing while my friend has a ‘crash’ (his term) we just sit and watch tv or go for a walk. I accept him in any mood and I wish that you had someone who accepted you in any/every mood. Im constantly doing research on how to handle the crashes better. Maybe your husband should do that also. Im no expert, but I do want what is best for my friend, and you deserve someone who wants what is best for you – not them.
hi thanks so much for this info i been dating my bf now for almost 3 yrs he told me the first yr we were dating he was bipolar i didnt think is was that bad but it sure has been a rollar coaster ride big time when hes on his highs hes so sweet always together but when hes on his lows lows forget it he calls once inawhile i might not see him for a week its hard but i give him space i leave him alone i figure hell call me when he wants to talk or see me he dont like no stress he gets that enough from work i just dont know what to do sometimes anyway all your infor is helpful thanks again he also tells me hes a lonerhe likes being alone alot im in love with him hes a great guy but hes never told me he loves me yet i feel he does we have fun together but he never takes me anywhere we stay at his house or mine i dont know why he wont commit to mei want to just break up with him but i cant we have before he told me 1yr ago he was tired of me then the next day wanted me bk if u could give me insight what to do thanks
Hi Julie,
Thank you for sharing your appreciation and experience. I can’t give you advice on your relationship. You are the expert of your relationship. You are the only person who knows what it is really like for you and whether or not this relationship is what you want to invest in. I know it is a very hard decision to make. You can do it.
If you need support in making that decision, you can seek out a therapist to help you explore and discover what you want.
With Hope,
Robin
I completely agree with jan. I feel like the statement of bipolar being my responsibility to manage is cruel and uneducated. I am a manufacturing manager with an MBA and consider myself very high functioning. While I do everything in my power to manage this disease there are times (typically during manic phases) where I am unable to harness the desire nor diligence to follow my treatment plan. This is what bipolar is. The swings in mood can render me incapable of helping myself. If there were a medicine that took this all away permanently I could practice responsibility like any other non-bipolar person can. If my spouse can’t deal with it….let it be what it will be.