Blog | Thrive With Bipolar Disorder

Love Letter to Lithium

in My Stories by Robin Mohilner May 19, 2010 1 comments

Dear Lithium,

You saved my life.

I don’t know who I would be without you.

When you came into my life, I didn’t trust you. I thought you were trying to control me. I was so afraid that you would change my ability to think and be brilliant. I thought you would rob me of my creativity and ability to feel. I thought that if you were in my life, I couldn’t be me and I had no idea as to who I would be.

Something I’ve never told you is how angry I was with you. You took away the most beautiful experience I had ever had. With you I can never have it again. During my mania, before it got nasty and became the scariest experience of my life, I had unlimited power and was able to do anything. I truly believed I was a prophet. It was so easy for me to see my path and allow God to guide me. I had peace…true peace. And you made it so this will experience will never be possible again in this way. I forgive you. What you gave me is worth more than the godliness of mania.

I love you. I love you so much that the idea of not having you within me scares me.

You changed me and I accept that I need you in my life for as long as I can have you.

As I came to trust you and depend on you…you changed how I think and how I feel. You’ve slowed down my thoughts and untangled them so that I can understand and express them with ease. I’ve even gotten pretty good at thinking before I speak and really good at correcting myself after I make mistakes.

You didn’t change my ability to think like I feared you would. In fact, my creativity and imagination, and critical thinking have improved by the clarity you give me through my untangled thoughts. Unfortunately you didn’t improve all of my skills. My hands kind of shake because of you, but I forgive you for that.

I still have the abilities to pay attention, think critically and my memory is phenomenal. Well, most of my memory is phenomenal. It’s kind of funny when I find myself in the kitchen and I don’t know why. You’ve really turned my memory for simple tasks into a joke. And I forgive you.

You changed how I experience my emotions. I always had difficulty crying. Growing up I always needed to be strong. For 10 years on you I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t release my painful emotions, but then I got more of you in me and I can cry whenever I need to. It feels so incredible to cry. Don’t feel bad or guilty, you never kept me from having emotions, I had plenty of them, but with you I couldn’t release them until the last few years.

I don’t know if its good or bad, but I’m no longer as exuberant as I was when I had less of you in my body. When I had less of you I scared people with my energy. I’d walk into the room and people would be so overwhelmed by me and I never could understand why. I felt perfectly normal. But, normal for me was always being hypomanic. I looked happy, but too happy…so happy that no one ever believed I could be that happy which made me scary and weird. I can’t even say I was happy, I don’t think I was happy, but that energy was simply who I was. I’m me now! My energy is more channeled and contained but still full of passion, exuberance and warmth.

Lithium, this may be the greatest gift you’ve given me. Through out my life you have helped me reach my goals by doing your best to successfully prevent full-blown mania. I always had to do my part and you always had my back. Because of you I tackled life challenges and have the quality of life that I was told I would never be able to achieve. Because you did such a good job having my back, I was able to do my part and graduate from one of the world’s most prestigious universities, UC Berkeley and go on to get my Masters degree. I am now doing what I believe I am meant to be doing and trust I am living my purpose.

I love you lithium.

So what that you’ve given my psoriasis and I hate it.

I love you. You are a gift from God.

With All My Gratitude,

Robin Mohilner

Ideas for Loving Someone Living With Bipolar Disorder

Loving someone with bipolar disorder isn’t easy, but we sure are loveable.

Here are some ideas that may help when the one you love is living with bipolar disorder:

1. A long tight hug will get so much farther than any words.

When your partner is agitated or emotional, no words that you say will make them better. If you use words, it will be very easy for your partner to misunderstand or feel threatened and become more agitated.

Your partner needs to regulate themselves. The way you can help is by taking them in your arms and giving them a tight long hug. As you are hugging them, focus on breathing deeply and encourage them to join you. You will feel the muscles in your partner’s body relax. Their heart rate will slow down. Lastly, they should experience calmness and because they are in the arms of someone who loves them, they should feel safe.

Now your partner is ready to talk.

2. An imaginary remote control that has a pause and rewind button.

We express ourselves without thinking. Every emotion we have or imagine in our minds easily escapes our mouths.

When your partner is having difficulty with this challenge it can easily and probably will lead to conflict in a relationship.

If you expect your partner to be able to not impulsively express themselves, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Instead, expect your partner to speak before they think and give them a gift of a remote control.

To use this imaginary remote control all your partner has to do is say “PAUSE”, just as they are getting themselves into trouble with their words. If it’s too late and their words have already caused trouble, all they have to do is say “REWIND” and then take a moment to pause and correct their mistake by actually thinking before speaking.

If you are kind enough to give your partner one of these special remotes, you get one too!

3. Your partner needs to take responsibility for how they live with Bipolar Disorder, NOT YOU.

If your partner is making their bipolar disorder your responsibility to manage and you accept the responsibility, you are enabling them to practice behaviors that will only do more harm than good. It may feel like you are helping them, but you are not.

Your partner living with bipolar disorder needs to be responsible for educating themselves about the disorder, taking their medication consistently, being in therapy, making the sacrifices they need to make in order to be stable and doing the best they can to reduce harm to themselves and you by preventing episodes if possible.

If your partner is releasing their emotions on you and it is hurting you, it is NOT okay. Your partner can learn how to release and contain their own emotions through other vehicles, for instance therapy. It is your responsibility to let your partner know that impulsive release of emotion hurts you. It is your partner’s responsibility to learn how to channel their emotion in a way that is safe for the both of you.

Because your partner is living with bipolar disorder, they may not be able to contain their emotions consistently everyday. However, they can improve and do better. There is no excuse for not trying their best to contain their emotions using other vehicles and tools that I will share in an upcoming blog.

4. Do NOT get on the emotional roller coaster with your partner.

Your partner is living with bipolar disorder. This means that they are going to roller coaster from positive to negative to positive etc emotions. DON’T GET ON THE ROLLER COASTER WITH THEM.

If you accept your partner to do this and are not affected by it you can have a good day and not be hurt and think you are going insane. However, if you get on this roller coaster with your partner, both of you will be nuts. Nothing good will come out of it.

Don’t try to make sense of the emotional roller coasters, instead you can simply hug your partner. Your partner will work their way off of the roller coaster eventually. The emotional roller coaster is simply a ride of emotions that your partner is feeling that may or may not have anything to do with their current experience.

Another action you can take that may help your partner gain awareness are the words “STOP IT.” or “Stop it, you are roller-coastering.” When said in a loving and caring way, versus an angry way, these words will bring someone into a different kind of awareness that takes them outside of their emotional process and into a reflective thinking process.

5. The Gift of Forgiveness & Acceptance

When you love someone with bipolar disorder they are going to do and say things that they will need you to forgive them and accept them for.

This does not mean that hurtful actions are okay, but it means that when they do happen, after you talk about it with your partner…the greatest gift you can give them is to let them know that you still love them, accept them, and forgive them and know that they are doing their best.

Receiving the gift of forgiveness and acceptance, opens the door for your partner to be able to forgive and accept you more freely and easily. It gives you permission to make mistakes and enjoy your gift of the imaginary remote control.

By taking these actions with your partner, your partner may be able to better return the love that you so deserve.

5 Ways to Gain Control During a Manic Episode

in Actions / Ideas About Mania / Ideas: Ways to Thrive by Robin Mohilner May 17, 2010 11 comments

In order to take control of mania you first have to be able to recognize that you are experiencing mania. Many people have a very difficult time doing this because the early and middle mania are pleasurable and productive.

To recognize the early signs of mania please see my blog entitled, “Early Warning Signs of Mania: 6 Areas to Notice Mania on the Horizon”.

Once you know the early warning signs and how to recognize mania, here are ways to intervene:

1. Identify the Triggers.

It is important to be able to identify what triggers your mania. This will help you intervene because will be able to identify what is fueling it.

People often get triggered into mania by a combination of excitement, stress and sense of urgency.

To develop your ability to identify triggers:

Notice what is taking place in your life and how you are responding to it near the onset of mania.

Notice your feelings about it.

Notice what thoughts keep you awake at night.

Notice what you feel a sense of urgency towards.

Note: Not all manic episodes will have triggers. As the number of manic episodes increases the need for a trigger decreases. The more manic episodes you have the more hard-wired your brain becomes for mania.

2. Identify what is fueling the mania.

Fuel for mania are the actions that you take impulsively that tend to be goal-oriented that strengthen the mania.

What you have a sense of urgency for or are behaving impulsively about is fuel for mania.

3. Take the fuel away.

Whatever manic actions you are doing. STOP. Stop doing the action. Put it away. Whatever it is, it can handle you not attending to it right now.

Example: I get triggered into mania by excitement combined with a sense of urgency. In one hypomanic episode over 3 years ago (not full-blown mania) I built my first versions of my two very large websites all in five days. That is unheard of productivity for “non-bipolar” people. I wasn’t sleeping, forgetting to eat and wasn’t able to see my clients at work because I had all the early mania symptoms and I could not stop building these websites.

I had to take my computer AWAY. I had to stop building my websites and not allow myself to work on them until I was able to do so in a contained way.

It wasn’t enough to just take the computer away, I had to replace it with something that my mind could focus on, yet would not cause me to feel a sense of urgency. Without replacing it, I would not be able to keep my impulses from causing me to grab my computer and keep intensely working.

So I made art. I did a form of calming and centering art called “Mandalas” which is drawing or paining in a circle. I did contained art to contain me.

Other things you can do to replace your goal-oriented behavior:

Spend time outside – walking, hiking, bike riding, exploring, swimming, etc
Work on jigsaw puzzles, suduko, crossword puzzles etc These activities engage your brain in a way that contains it.
Spend time with friends outside of your home or watch a movie.
Cook food that you enjoy or explore new recipes or concoctions, but don’t cook for a banquet, just for yourself.
Make art, unless making art is fueling your mania.

4. Sleep

When you are manic, you must force yourself to sleep. This is much easier to do when you take away your access to the trigger and fuel of your mania.

Sleep will not be easy.

Actions that promote sleep:

Deep breathing: inhale deeply into your belly slowly through your nose for about 5 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, and exhale slowly for 5 seconds. Do this as long as you can until you fall asleep.
Guided Visualization: There infinite ways to guide yourself, this is just one…imagine yourself being in a place that is beautiful, comforting and welcoming of you. Notice the colors, the sounds, and the smells. Notice who is there with you. Notice how you feel in your body and your mind being in this place that is so peaceful and welcoming of you. Let this carry you into a dream.
Light a candle (a safe candle in glass that cannot easily tip or break). Lay in bed and watch the flame and the light.
Complete darkness in your room. Have black out curtains. People living with bipolar disorder are extremely sensitive to light. Small amounts of light can prevent sleep (this does not include candle light, because of the properties of warmth and life in the flame)

If these actions do not help you sleep, contact your doctor and discuss being on a sleep medication that is not addictive.

5. Contact your Psychiatrist

During an episode your psychiatrist will often make changes in the amount and balance of medication that you take to help stabilize you during this process.

Structure, Routine & Rituals: 5 ACTIONS to prepare you for when life changes on a dime

in Actions / Ideas: Ways to Thrive by Robin Mohilner May 15, 2010 0 comments

Life is never going to be predictable. However one of the toughest challenges with living with bipolar disorder is coping with times of change, chaos, loss and crisis. We must have the tools and abilities already in place before these events happen, otherwise these events can be very dangerous not only for our mental health, to prevent mania and depression, but also to save our lives.

There is no way for us to plan for these events and see them coming.

Instead of planning for things to happen, we must plan and prepare our response for how we will take care of ourselves when something does happen. Doing so will help us be able to respond to the circumstances we face to the best of our abilities.

Actions to take care of ourselves when life changes on a dime:

Action: Stick To Your Routine and Rituals

No matter what happens, if you have a routine and rituals you use to structure your day, you will have some predictability which promotes stability.

Develop morning routine and rituals:

Note: Your routines and rituals can and should be flexible, but as you design your own routine and rituals also come up with ideas where and how you would like to be flexible and areas you want to keep strong solid boundaries that will support you.

Wake up in the morning at consistent time that you wake up daily.
Before getting out of bed create a ritual – ex. taking a moment to focus on what you appreciate in your life, pray, or share positive affirmations with yourself; playing with you dogs; noticing how your body is feeling; deep breathing; listening to enjoyable music; visualizing your day etc
Decide what comes next on a daily basis when you get out of bed and prioritize it in the order that you will do it. Ex. brushing your teeth, showering, breakfast, getting dressed, checking email etc, feed your pets etc. However you want to do it.
Ideally, if you are able to, do some form of exercise at some point in your day wherever you can fit it in on a consistent basis.

Develop bedtime routine and rituals:

Go to bed each night at a consistent time.
Try to refrain from doing any work, computer stuff or anything that may engage your mind to want to be very active at least an hour before bed. (This is very hard to do, but very necessary if you want to sleep.)
Develop a relaxing bedtime ritual that you will do consistently an hour before bedtime. Ex. lighting a candle, relaxing bath or shower, listening to peaceful music, doing peaceful art such as a mandala, meditation, deep breathing, read a book etc
Try not to have your bedtime ritual be watching TV, even though we all do it, because TV may engage your mind and keep you from sleeping.

Develop Transition routine and rituals:

When you leave your home on your way to work or school develop a ritual that you will do upon arrival to transition you into work or school mode.
Examples: Focusing on your breathing, visualizing your day, singing a song, playing a song you love, positive affirmations, prayer, noticing the beauty around you etc.
Also develop a self-care routine that you will do when you are transitioning from work to home using actions that relax you and allow your work day to end and your alone or family time to begin.

If you develop a routine and rituals and something happens in life that knocks you down, you will still have your routines and rituals available to help you get up.

Action: Develop and Be Aware Of Your Belief System

It does not matter if you are religious, spiritual, agnostic or atheist. It would be in your best interests to develop a belief system that helps guide your understanding of how and why things happen in a way that comforts you and promotes acceptance so that you can depend on it during times of chaos and devastation.

This will not protect you from the pain of your experience. However, it will give you a structure and guidance in which to experience your pain.

This will help you stand up when life knocks you down.

Action: Identify Key People In Your Support System

It is a must to have people in your life who you can count on to be there for you when you need them. Not only should you identify them, but you should contact them and inform them now so they know you will come to them when you need support.

If you don’t have family, friends, support group or therapist in your life who you can count on to be there for you, find them NOW. Do not wait until your life changes on a dime if you want to maintain stability with bipolar disorder.

Action: Be Consistent With Your Medication

No matter what happens, do NOT suddenly stop taking your medication. Doing so could cause potentially dangerous and in some cases lethal effects.

Action: Do NOT rely on Alcohol or any illicit drugs to get you through tough times

Drugs and alcohol only make situations and bipolar disorder worse. They will not help you and they will worsen depression and decrease your quality of sleep.

By having a structure for your pain to exist in it will make the pain more tolerable.

“Newly Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder Club” Topic #1: Complying & Coping With Medication

in Actions / Activities / Ideas: Ways to Thrive / Information by Robin Mohilner May 14, 2010 1 comments

This blog series is dedicated to everyone Newly Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Welcome to the club! You have unwillingly joined an elite club in which some of the members are among the most brilliant, creative and talented in history.

Unfortunately there is no manual that comes with our bipolar disorder diagnoses when becoming a member of this club.

This blog will be followed by a series of blogs called “Newly Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder Club”. Each blog will address issues that members have shared with me or issues I or clients I have worked with when newly diagnosed face.

Today’s topic is coping with medication and medication compliance.

Topics coming soon based on members’ request will include:

Building daily routine and structure
Developing sleep patterns

If you would like to make a request for this series, please contact me and I will be happy to address your concern.

Today”s Topic:

The #1 problem that people have when joining this club is coping with medication and medication compliance.

There are not many people in a club like ours where the medication completely changes your experience of yourself.

Our medications may change:

Our energy and exuberance level
Our ability to feel the rich emotion of emotion
How we think
How we express ourselves
Our creativity and innovation
Our memory
Our weight
Our ability to be super productive and goal-focused

*Note: Not all medications cause these effects, but all medications are mood stabilizers which function to reduce emotional extremes.

Nobody would want to take medication if it did changed who they are AND keeps them from feeling like themselves and maybe weird or slightly off at first.

This is why we, the members of this club, are so strong and courageous. Each one of us has a different reason for why we are willing to sacrifice the amount of some these of these things. I made this sacrifice because I was willing to do anything I possibly could to prevent myself from experiencing the peak of full-blown mania and feeling like I am dead in depression. Some of the people I’ve had the privilege of working with shared with me that they made this sacrifice because medication made their quality of life so much better. They got to experience stability for the first time. It improved their abilities to function at work and improved their quality of relationships.

Most often, the consequences of not making the sacrifice are far more painful than what there is to gain by taking medication.

It’s a hard choice to make, but something we remember by taking our medication every day at the same time.

Before continuing on to an activity, take a moment and ask yourself what has you committed to being on medication.

Now that we understand why we are committed to being on medication, let’s explore how to cope with the losses:

The loss you experience is a death because it is that significant of a loss therefore in order to cope, I invite you to mourn the loss for a specific set amount of time before taking actions to explore your new life.

Ways to take action and help mourn the loss of your manic and depressive self:

1. Write down the qualities you miss.
Examples: creativity, exuberance, productivity, passion, emotion etc

2. Write down what you miss about each quality.

3. How did it affect your life?

4. How did you feel when you experienced it?

5. What did you tell yourself about yourself when you experienced it?

6. What abilities did each quality give you?

7. What qualities or parts of qualities did you get to keep?

8. What new abilities do you have because of being on medication?

9. What action are you willing to take to further develop these abilities?

* This is an activity that could be very useful done in therapy if it feels overwhelming to do on your own.

Here’s one example put in action from my life.

1. Write down the qualities you miss.

I miss my exuberance that was expressed through passion and an energy that completely filled the room.

2. Write down what you miss about each quality.

I miss the feeling I had when I walked into the room and the affect my presence had on people. I felt special. I felt wanted. It felt so good to make people smile. (I wasn’t aware of how uncomfortable it made some people until I was in graduate school.)

3. How did it affect your life?

People relied on my presence to make them feel good. I relied on my presence as a way to not be vulnerable because I always had a smile on my face and was a burst of energy. It made it easy for me to meet people and engage groups of people.

4. How did you feel when you experienced it?

Wanted. My presence made people’s day. I felt passionate and alive. I felt seen. At times insecure because with age, I could feel that it made people uncomfortable.

5. What did you tell yourself about yourself when you experienced it?

People like me. People want me around. My presence matters and makes a difference. I make people’s days better.

6. What abilities did each quality give you?

The ability to be free and break social rules (which I didn’t inherently know what they were anyway). I could get away with so much because I did everything with a smile on my face.

7. What qualities or parts of qualities did you get to keep?

I still have my passion and exuberance, but it has changed form. Now I’m a light in the room, instead of completely filling the room. I am not overwhelming. My energy is more relaxed and channeled, yet still very passionate. My energy isn’t as anxious and manic, except when I go to the doctor.

8. What new abilities do you have because of being on medication?

I am able to feel peace and centered. I don’t feel the need to be “on” or performing all the time. Instead, I feel more genuine because I don’t always have to have a permanent smile on my face. I’m able to use the abilities I’ve always had with more ease. I could go on and on…it has been tremendous.

9. What actions are you willing to take to further develop these abilities?

Focus on my breathing during to increase my feelings of peace and centered. Continue to be transparent about what I’m thinking and feeling and continue being honest when I’m not able to be what people expect from me.

If this is helpful, feel free to contact me with interests for future blogs.

Living With A Label: 5 ways to define the meaning of Bipolar Disorder

in Ideas: Ways to Thrive by Robin Mohilner May 13, 2010 1 comments

Labels only have the power we give them.

We have the choice to believe in the label that is placed on us and act accordingly…or be who we are.

When the label “bipolar disorder” was placed on me, I thought the world as I knew it was over for me.

Before receiving this label, I believed I had experienced the most wonderful experience of my life and then also the most terrible experience of my life. Nonetheless it wasn’t good or bad, it was just awesome, passionate and beautiful and the most scary thing I’ve experienced EVER. But it was never wrong or bad.

When I received the label of “bipolar disorder”, it suddenly meant that who I am and what I experienced was WRONG and BAD. It meant that the most profound and significant experience I’ve ever had in my life was CRAZY. It robbed me of feeling the feelings of “this is meant to be, I am special!” As a result, I decided to discover how to get the specialness back.

Here are five ways to transform the label of “Bipolar Disorder”:

1. Identify the abilities, strengths and gifts you GET TO HAVE because of the experiences you’ve had. You may always live with bipolar disorder, nevertheless you get to define it’s meaning with either lack or abundance of gifts.

2. Give yourself a label that you would prefer to have instead, such as “Passionately Emotional” “Invincibly Creative” “Deeply Sensitive & Compassionate” “Ridiculously Productive” “Will to Make The World Better”etc

3. Notice what you have learned and the ways you are a better person because of the knowledge, strength, or courage you have gained from your struggle. And tell yourself and others those stories when you talk about bipolar disorder.

4. People will treat you how you treat yourself. If you tell yourself and people, “I am bipolar.” you lose your identity completely. You’d never say, “I am cancer OR I am Alzheimers.”

You are living with bipolar disorder. You are affected by bipolar disorder. You are doing your best with bipolar disorder. You are having a rough day because of bipolar disorder. YOU ARE NOT BIPOLAR. (Sometimes I even make this mistake and I need to STOP IT.)

5. PROVE SOCIETY WRONG. Do great things with your life and it will change what it means to live with Bipolar Disorder.

The DO’s & DON’Ts for Responding to Trauma

in Actions / Ideas: Ways to Thrive / My Stories by Robin Mohilner May 12, 2010 0 comments

The message I hope you take home after reading this:

WHAT HAPPENS TO US IS NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT AS THE STORY WE TELL OURSELVES ABOUT IT.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO CREATE A NEW STORY.

It is believed that our response to trauma is an ignition for the inherited genes of Bipolar Disorder.

Earlier I shared with a Bipolar Disorder Awareness group that I had opened an old wound caused by trauma from my childhood these last few days. I’ve discovered that no matter how much I know, even though I’m a psychotherapist, that I’m human and get to live with wounds or holes that never fully heal and can’t be filled. So I’m doing my best to decorate my own wound/hole by giving it nurture and a home…instead of forcing it to not exist (which is so easy to want to do because wounds hurt.)

I share this because one common problem all human beings have is that starting at birth we are all completely vulnerable to trauma, we have no protection and nothing to defend us. So when we experience trauma it can easily leave a hole or a wound that doesn’t heal, but we’ll do anything we can, consciously or unconsciously, to heal. We may not even have the awareness of how vulnerable and how hurt we have been by life until we are adults.

At least this is my story because I did a lot of the DON’Ts I will share with you about trauma.

I was a child, like many others, who didn’t always get what I needed from my parents. My parents were great parents and did the best they could. They loved me with all they had to give, but there was no manual for raising children. Its so funny to me that we need a license for everything in life, but after childbirth, they let us walk out of the hospital if with a helpless child if you have a car seat.

For instance, my parents didn’t know that putting me in day care when I was three months old would be traumatic for me. They had no clue that it would be a loss for me that would leave a hole/wound that would affect me throughout times in my life. They did not know that deep down inside that trauma would make me feel that I am not wanted or that I am not wantable. If they had, they would not have done it, they might have found an alternative. Not every child who goes through this experience has this response, but I did.

In response to this trauma and a few others that came later, I told myself over and over again the “I’m not wantable story”. I made this story become true by choosing people to be in my life who weren’t available or ready to want me in the way I wanted them to. I used this as evidence to reinforce my “I’m not wantable story.”

Don’t do this to yourself! If you’re telling yourself this kind of story, STOP IT, RIGHT NOW! Tell yourself a new story and go find evidence to support it.

I say this because the stories I told myself made the hole bigger and my pain greater. I re-lived my own trauma over and over again. I didn’t tell anyone about it (except for my mom once when I was five). I kept it all bottled up inside until it exploded out in rage during mania. Deep down inside I was trying to find someone to want me so the wound would heal. But I never wanted the person who easily wanted me to want me. I wanted the person who didn’t want me YET or enough to really want me.

Unfortunately, all of my efforts for years were unproductive. Even when I earned someone’s “want” that I had to earn, it was never enough. It did not and would NOT heal the wound from my trauma. Even though I was wanted, they could not take me back in time and give me what I needed from my mom and dad when I was 3 months old.

So if you are stuck on this path of story telling, you can stop right now in your tracks and explore new responses and stories. You may need help to stop the story, but it is doable.

We do this often. We want to heal so badly. But this type of response to trauma, what I did, is not what heals. At least it never has for me. Instead, what I choose to invest my healing energy into is creating new stories to respond to the trauma and finding ways to live with holes and wounds that aren’t going to go away. Most of the time I’m not effected by wounds and holes that don’t go away, except when they hurt. That is why I nurture them and give them a home instead of trying to force them to not exist.

My genetic disposition and the flawed stories and types of response to various traumatic experiences in my life may be why I am living with bipolar disorder.

Before we can explore in more detail the mistakes I made with trauma, that so many other people make too. First we should understand what trauma is and how it works.

There are four parts to trauma:

1. The EXPERIENCE is deeply distressing or disturbing.

2. The EMOTIONAL RESPONSE to the experience.

3. What we do to MAKE MEANING of the emotional response. How we think about it.

4. How we ANTICIPATE our future based on how we responded.

DO’S & DON’Ts FOR RESPONDING TO TRAUMA

DO: Acknowledge you are experiencing or experienced something that was deeply disturbing or distressing for you.

DON’T: Bury trauma under the rug as though it never happened. Don’t put a smile on your face and make everyone around you feel good when you feel trauma or pain.

DO: Ask for help.

DON’T: Feel you need to be strong and hold it all in. You’re not supporting anyone else if you can’t support yourself. In that case, everyone falls down.

DO: Allow yourself to feel all the emotions the experience causes you to feel…and actually share them preferably with someone who you can receive support from or in a journal so it can contain your feelings and your body and mind don’t have to.

DON’T: Seal all the emotions in a jar…that’s asking for mania with exploding emotions, at least it did for me.

DO: Make meaning of the experience with a mindset, attitude and language that empowers you. For example, “I did the best I could with the resources that I had.” “I survived a….” “I overcame the loss of my job and found one that I like.” “I am living with bipolar disorder.” “I can do….” “I found my strength by….experience.” “I learned….lesson from this experience.” “I am a better person for experiencing….”

DON’T: Make meaning of the experience with a mindset and language that goes against yourself or weakens you. For example, “I could have or should have done better, but I’m not….” “I almost died in a car accident.” “I will never find a new job.” “I am (something negative that you don’t want to be).” “I can’t do anything.” “I’m just weak, stupid etc.” “The experience taught me nothing, I refuse to learn anything.” “I have nothing to offer.”

DO: Anticipate that because of this experience and everything you learned and gained from it you will and can do better in the future.

DON’T: Anticipate that because of this one experience you will never be good at anything, no one will love you and want you and you will always be alone etc etc etc (all the mean and nasty things we could say to go against ourselves.)

DO: Get professional help if your trauma is bigger than what you and/or your support system can handle.

DON’T: Waste your time by (excuse my language) bullshitting your therapist the way I did. If you don’t feel your therapist gets you and can help you. Fire them and get a new therapist.

The Bipolar Brain-Part 2: The Fight For Domination…When the Right hemisphere is winning.

in Information by Robin Mohilner May 11, 2010 1 comments

In our last post we explored that mania may be caused by the left hemisphere dominating the brain and specific areas of the brain being flooded with energy in the form of neurotransmitters or chemicals in the brain.

Now we will explore how depression may be caused by the right hemisphere dominating the brain. In this case, specific areas of the brain may receive too much or not enough energy in the form of neurotransmitters or chemicals because the right hemisphere needs that energy to dominate the left.

An interesting theory to note is that the left hemisphere of the brain is responsible for more positive thoughts and emotions, which is why some stages of mania may be a very positive experience (except when the left hemisphere is fighting really hard). Meanwhile, the right side of the brain is more responsible for negative or fear based thoughts and emotions. Keep this in mind as you read about the brain structures affected by the right hemisphere of the brain dominating the the left hemisphere.

Mood

Just like in mania, mood appears to be caused by the Orbitofrontal Cortex. The orbitofrontal cortex is responsible for things like decision-making and is sensitive to reward and punishment. When the right side of the brain dominates the left hemisphere it may use all of this energy to punish us because it is teamed up with the amygdala (see Emotion below). Therefore, we may experience feeling very negative emotions and a loss of interests because our brain is flooded with negative chemicals carrying negative messages. At the same time, because of this battle our brain doesn’t have the resources from the left hemisphere that has more neurons that have chemicals that make us feel good and interested in things.

Emotion

The seat of emotion and our brains response to fear is in the Amygdala. Some studies have found that the amygdala is larger in the right hemisphere and smaller in the left. This means the right hemisphere is more receptive to fear based emotions. Therefore, during the battle when the right hemisphere is winning, the amygdala is producing huge amounts of negative fear-based emotions that flood our conscious mind in the pre-frontal cortex which we shall soon explore.

Memory

The Hippocampus may be highly inhibited or even not functioning when the right hemisphere takes over. The Hippocampus is responsible for forming, storing and retrieving memory. This part of the brain may be completely cut off from resources during the battle and may even break down because of it.

When are thoughts are moving so slow that we can’t even form sentences…or we can’t think at all…

The structure called the Pre-Frontal Cortex is being inhibited during the battle and lacks the energy and resources to function. The pre-frontal cortex is responsible for analytical thinking, problem solving and all other forms of rational thinking.

Hallucinations and Delusions

This may be very similar as to what takes place during mania. This may be the point where the battle between the hemispheres becomes so intense that it jumbles each message between the messengers called neurotransmitters. The message becomes so chaotic that they are not easy to decode. As a result, the brain can’t see what the eyes see or hear what the ears hear.

The Right Hemisphere can only dominate the left for so long…

If the left hemisphere has energy when it takes control of the right hemisphere in its final battle….we go shooting up into mania or usually hypomania (a milder version of mania.) Then the story of the left hemisphere dominating the right begins all over again.

When Neither Hemisphere is Dominant: Understanding Mixed Episodes

A mixed episode may be what we experience when the left hemisphere and right hemisphere are battling. In the moments the left hemisphere is dominant of energy/chemicals and resources we experience mania. As soon as the right hemisphere gains dominance of energy/chemicals and resources we experience depression. This may take place very rapidly in the brain until one side or the other gains full dominance. Sometimes the dominance does not happen at all and we just experience the battle until the brain exhausts itself from the fight.

The Bipolar Brain: The Fight For Domination…when the left cerebral hemisphere is winning

in Information by Robin Mohilner May 10, 2010 15 comments

One question I often get is, “What’s happening in the brain during a manic and depressive episode?”

The truth is that scientists don’t fully know. Scientists are finding common evidence, but the brain is so complex that nothing we know about it can not be considered fact that will apply to everyone.

Therefore, I am going to share with you my ideas that are based on both my current research and my own experience of my brain in action.

A Balanced Brain – (No brain is truly balance, but let’s pretend)

A balanced brain does its best to equally disperse resources. Therefore there is no competition for resources. Both hemispheres have what they need, the layers of cortex (where our higher functioning takes place) have what they need. The limbic system (the seat of our emotions) has what its needs. Everything is basically working together and there’s harmony.

Yeah right! No brain works like this most of the time.

Bipolar brains just happen to be extreme.

A bipolar brain is a highly competitive brain, which is why many of us are so intelligent, inventive and creative. Different structures and hemispheres of our brain compete for resources to be able to do extreme things that require a lot of energy and brain power.

During Mania – Reminder this is not fact it is my theory

During Mania the left hemisphere of the brain is dominating the right hemisphere. But the right hemisphere isn’t turning it’s cheek, it is fighting back with all it’s got. This is how the peak of mania and mixed episodes may come to be.

Mood – Mood Swings

This may be do to a structure in our brain called the Orbitofrontal Cortex getting too much energy and not enough energy as it gets pushed and pulled back and forth during the battle between the hemispheres. The Orbitofrontal Cortex is responsible for things like decision making and is sensitive to reward and punishment which may be a large factor in mood.

Memory

The structure in the brain called the Hippocampus (that is responsible for forming, sorting and storing memory) appears to be significantly inhibited during mania and/or depression. My experience was that it was incredibly inhibited when the right hemisphere took over and I went into depression, but not inhibited at all during mania.

When we are able to consume analytical information faster and easier than ever before, when our thoughts are racing, when we have multiple thoughts at once and when these thoughts get jumbled up because we cannot keep up with them….

This may be our left hemisphere, particularly in a structure called our Pre-Frontal Cortex, that is consuming so much energy and power that it has taken by dominating the right hemisphere that we cannot keep up with our brain’s ability to function and we cannot express ourselves because we cannot get it out fast enough.

They say that the average human being uses 7-10% of their brain power, well that’s a joke to someone who is manic!

When we are impulsive and take tremendous risks…

This may mean that two specific structures called the Anterior Cingulate (responsible for social inhibition)and Posterior Cingulate (responsible for being sensitive to risk) have been shut down by the lack of resources in the battle between the hemispheres. Research shows that these structures are somewhat depleted in bipolar brains to begin with, so during mania they may not be functioning.

When we feel invincible…

The battle in our brain may be taking a huge toll on our Amygdalas. The amygdalas are both responsible for emotional responses as well as our response to fear. According to some studies, bipolar brains may have smaller amygdala in the left hemisphere and larger in the right. Therefore, when the left hemisphere is taking over during mania, the little amygdala is overloaded and may be depleted of its resources to appropriately respond to fear.

When we have a heightened sense of spirituality or oneness with all life…basically when we feel we are a god, prophets, higher being, aliens etc…

There is a part of the left hemisphere, whose name I do not know, that has been identified as the seat of spirituality. Some people have it, other people do not. During mania when the left hemisphere is consuming all of the brain’s resources this part of the brain soaks it up and runs with the energy until it is all burned up.

When we experience hallucinations or delusions…

Hallucinations and Delusions may be where the true battle between the left and right brain taking place. This may be where the right brain starts to win at times. This is all my theory from experience.

I believe that as the left and right hemispheres of the brain are battling the messages that get passed from neuron to neuron get disrupted or convoluted causing the message to change so extremely because the message gets changed by each neuron in the neural pathway.

It is basically like playing the telephone game, gone out of control.

When this happens our brain no longer sees what our eyes see and no longer hears what our ears hear. We are no longer able to be in touch with the world outside our our brain. Our brain is battling and doesn’t have the resources that moment to focus on getting accurate messages through.

During the Peak of Mania or a Mixed Episode- when all emotions explode out

This is the last fight. Mania gives the battle everything it’s got by exploding out positive feelings and emotion. But the left hemisphere has been exhausted by the right and doesn’t have many energy left.

The right hemisphere dominates with the power it has and explodes negative, ugly, nasty, horrible feelings and emotions. It does this until it exhausts itself.

During Depression – The Exhaustion

Both left and right hemispheres are depleted. They are done. Finished. And gave up the battle. Neither has any energy left to give.

Hence this is why we feel our brain is dead.

To learn about my theory about how the right brain dominates during depression, I welcome you to come back for more.

SPECIAL FOR MOTHER’S DAY: My Own Story of Depression Coming After Full-Blown Mania

in My Stories by Robin Mohilner May 9, 2010 3 comments

This is dedicated to my mom who loved me and stood beside me when I was horrible to her. I will never be able to thank her enough for how she has been there for me and believed in me. I love you, Mom.

This is my personal story of experiencing severe depression after full blown mania at the age of sixteen.

For two weeks straight every emotion I ever had, came exploding out of my body. I was the full emotional spectrum all at once. And no one ever knew what they were going to get and much of it was aimed at my mom. My family was playing Russian roulette with a ticking time bomb made of their own flesh and blood. After multiple explosions, I finally depleted myself. And it was over. It was as though the lights went out and the mania that I had grown to love, before it got really nasty and ugly, was over.

The transition between mania and depression happened in my sleep during a nine hour car ride home from what was supposed to be a vacation.

I remember being like Satan’s spawn in the beginning of the car ride, wanting to buy a vicious dog so I could have it sick my mom. But by the time we arrived home. I was weak and quiet. Something put out my raging fire and I knew that what came next was not going to be good.

I went to sleep that night and woke up feeling like I was unable to move, but my body still worked good enough. All the emotion I had was gone. I felt nothing. Feeling nothing is the most horrible feeling ever.

It kept getting worse. I couldn’t think enough words to put a thought together, let alone express myself. It was like my brain was dead. However, I had the awareness of what was happening to me. It was like I was floating over myself, watching myself go through this but unable to do anything about it. If I could have hope, I probably would have hoped for someone to pull the plug or shoot me.

I believe two weeks went by in this state until Zooloft kicked in and my lithium was starting to work, maybe.

As Zooloft began working, I began to feel the fear and pain of depression.

I felt tremendous guilt for how I treated my family, particularly my mom, during my mania. I was horrible to her and wanted to hurt her badly. I feared that they would not love me anymore.

Then more shame and guilt hit me like a brick by blaming myself for grandmother’s death that occurred when I was thirteen because the night she had her final stroke, I resented her and wished she would go away so I could have my bedroom back. And I felt horrible for running away when my mom had cancer (at the same time my grandma died), when she needed me the most. All these feelings of powerlessness flooded me. I was swallowed by shame and guilt as I was coming out of this deep depression that was worse than death. Now that I could think, I couldn’t even think of reasons why I should live.

At that time I had forgotten about all the things that I did during my mania to my friends, teachers and in front of my peers at school that I could be held accountable for. I was lucky, people treated me with curiosity and kindness. I lost some close friends, but my best friend stood by my side (even though during mania I told him he needed to get me pregnant because our child would be the messiah….but that’s for another time and that story is on my websites).

Nonetheless, the medication started to work and I was able to get off the couch little by little. I didn’t admit this to my mom until I was an adult, but what saved me from this depression was her forcing me to go to summer school to take a creative writing class. I loved creative writing, but had no desire to do anything at the time.

I sat in that class with my cheek glued to the desk writing beautiful poetry about the ocean and doodling. When people asked me what’s wrong, I announced to the class, “I am crazy.”. No one knew how to respond to that, so they just gave me my space.

As the days passed, my face became less glued to the desk. I moved onto resting my face on my fists and eventually as my medication lithium fully kicked in I was able to sit up and participate in class.

This is quite embarrassing to admit, especially when I feel comfortable sharing a lot of stuff openly. Of all things, a multi-level marketing opportunity selling long-distance phone service deeply excited me and triggered me into a mild hypomanic state that lifted me completely out of the depression and stabilized me in that state. As the consequence of investing myself for a few years into a get rich scheme (that I will never do again), I began the process of re-building myself by immersing myself in personal growth books (I refused therapy because I hated therapy…even though I am a therapist now) (I’ll share more about these experiences in another blog down the line.)

Too this day, I will do anything I possibly can to prevent a manic episode, even though I can’t even put words to how amazing my full blown manic episode was….the depression was so bad, that the most beautiful experience I have had in life (not the nasty part of mania) is not worth it.

I hope sharing my own story of living with Bipolar Disorder is useful.

With Love,

Robin

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