Being too close to God: Knowledge to prevent accidental suicide for people with bipolar disorder

in My Stories / Suicide Prevention by Robin Mohilner October 11, 2011 0 comments

It is not uncommon during full-blown mania for a person to experience themselves as being incredibly close to God.

In fact, many people experience being too close to God and as a result they die.

What does this mean???

People experience feelings of omnipotence and they act on them. They truly believe with everything they are that they are omnipotent and attempt to do things that an omnipotent being could do…such as walk on water, fly, time travel, not have to follow any rules (drive the wrong way on the freeway and obey speed limits etc)…the awareness of limits disappears.

Omnipotence is having unlimited power; able to do anything; have ultimate power and influence.

People experiencing full-blown mania do die this way, but it is called suicide and it is rarely talked about.

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This article does not suggest that everyone who experiences full-blown mania has a God experience or experiences themselves as close to God.

This article is not suggesting that mental illness is caused by God.

There is historical evidence that many biblical figures had prophetic experiences that would be currently labeled and diagnosed as mental illness.

There is a historical record of this type of experience in many cultures that goes back thousands of years.

By no means is am I saying that mental illness is a “God experience”; however, some people who have experienced severe mental illness have reported to experience God during the episode of mental illness.

I SHARE THIS STORY WITH THE HOPE THAT THIS KNOWLEDGE WILL PREVENT ACCIDENTAL DEATH THAT FREQUENTLY OCCURS FOR PEOPLE LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER DUE TO OMNIPOTENCE.

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When I turned sixteen years old, full-blown mania came into my life.

Being too close to God

Everything about life, life forces, the universe and how all living things are interconnected as one made complete sense to me. I understood balance in life. I understood peace. Most of all I understood the highest compassion. The compassion that is experienced from being a part of all life and all life being apart of myself.

I’m not talking about the dictionary definition of compassion (ie. pity or sorrow). I’m talking about the deepest level of care, inspiration, hope and acceptance that I have ever felt in my life. It was the highest form of unconditional love and connection that I could have with all of life.

Experiencing this connection to all life gave me the deepest possible compassion to the point that I truly believed with everything that I am that I was omnipotent.

I didn’t believe I could fly, but I did feel I was invincible as if God was protecting me and nothing bad could happen to me…and as a result I truly believed i was limitless.

I did do some really risky things and didn’t even realize I was doing it. I had no idea that I was putting myself in tremendous danger. I was not aware of limits.

This was all before the mania peaked…before the explosion when I completely lost control.

I can’t speak for other people and their experiences…but I am definitely not the only person to have this experience. It may not be very common, but it has been documented in history for thousands of years.

During that time, I stayed up all night studying the Torah in an “Inductive Study Bible”. (The Torah is the Old Testament also known as the Five Books of Moses). I studied mostly Genesis and Proverbs. I took four highlighters and created a code using colors and covered the sides of the page with ideas.

When I look at it now, none of it makes sense…well, I can’t make sense of it the way I did when I was in mania. I no longer have access to the perspective and ability to think as I did in full-blown mania.

During this time, I went to school all day…but I wasn’t really there…I did intricate drawings all day in school. I wasn’t able to pay attention in class.

Then I stayed up all night studying Torah and quantum physics.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what happened to all of my drawings or even the books I studied quantum physics from. They were real. They do exist. However, I believe that as the mania exacerbated and fear kicked in, I believe I grew paranoid and hid everything to the extent that I don’t know where to find it.

During this time of mania I felt so close to God that I did not know where God ended and I began or where I ended and God began. I truly believed I was ONE with God.

This caused me to feel omnipotent and invincible. I believed with all that I am that I was all powerful, limitless and capable of doing and being anything I choose to be. As a result I was not at all aware of limits.

I was not aware of speed, let alone speed limits, so I drove down neighborhood streets at 80+ miles per hour not even noticing that I was traveling fast. I took risks without any awareness of danger. I truly believed and trusted with all that I am that I am protected by God.

The Sling-Shot Experience

Then suddenly…literally overnight…my closeness to God was taken from me.

It was a tremendous loss and incredibly painful for me. I went from being ALL POWERFUL to completely powerless.

I was completely consumed by fear and painful emotions. I was so incredibly afraid.

As mania progressed it was as though I was put in a sling-shot and shot as far from God as possible.

This is when all of my emotion and fear began exploding out of me and I lost complete control.

But it didn’t happen as smoothly as it sounds. There were times when I felt omnipotent and possessed by fear and times when I felt powerless…this was expressed in explosions of emotion, erratic and violent behavior and visions of violation.

This power struggle between omnipotence and powerlessness was expressed in the form of what the fields of medicine and psychology call delusions and hallucinations.

When the power struggle ended, I was left in complete powerlessness and complete darkness…incapable of thinking, feeling and barely able to hold up my head, let alone move.

This experience that I had was diagnosed as full-blown mania and bipolar disorder.

Fear of my own potential

For the last 15 years, I have been afraid of full-blown mania.

I never want to experience being so incredibly close to God…possibly, even too close…then feeling the complete absence of God.

I never want to be put in a sling-shot and shot as far away from God as possible again.

Being too close to God kills people. Omnipotence kills people. And being as far away from God as possible welcomes suicide.

If I were to allow myself to experience this level of full-blown mania again, I do not trust that I would survive it. Many people do not survive it, but it is not talked about.

Dying due to omnipotence is called suicide and dying due to the absence of God is called suicide and suicide is taboo to talk about. We simply make people promise not to do it and put people on so many medications that they can’t think clearly enough to take their own lives.

…I choose stability instead.

This experience called “full-blown mania” shaped my beliefs. I took what I learned from it and use it to become a better person.

“Full-Blown Mania” caused me to truly believe that EVERYONE truly is connected…we are truly all ONE. We are all made of the same stuff water, carbon etc…we are all a part of life…we are all interdependent on each other for our lives…we all are truly ONE.

EVERYTHING that is living serves its own unique function and purpose in life…sometimes it is just hard to figure out what it is when you are a being that is human.

I came to understand God as “everything that is, was and will be”…”God is all life, all life is God”

I came to believe that what religion refers to as the messianic age will come when all life is working together…all living things come together as one.

During my mania I also came to believe and trust that the messiah will be born when all people come together as ONE…that all people coming together as ONE is the Messiah.

In talking with a few Rabbi’s about this…I’ve learned that Judaism agrees with me. By no means am I the first person to have this realization.

Am I special?

An arm is not of greater value or more special than a leg. A foot is not of more value or more special than a hand. A brain is not of greater value or more special than a heart (or any other organ)…each part of the human body serves it’s own function and has it’s own purpose. No part is more special or of greater value than any other part.

I am not of greater value than anyone else. My function may be unique…my purpose may be unique…but I am not more special or of greater value than anyone else.

I truly believe that we all are interdependent on each other…we all need each other in order to function as human beings and as a part of life.

When I originally wrote these thoughts, I shared “I’m not special. I just had a unique experience.”…but then I remember what my Rabbi said…

When I said that to my Rabbi recently, he disagreed with me.

He said, “Robin, you are special. You are close to God.”

My response to him was, “Hmm…but Rabbi, aren’t we all a part of God? Wouldn’t that mean that we are all close to God?”

He smiled and before he could respond, I cut him off and said, “Ahhh…I get it. I remember your lesson.”

Rabbi Maller taught me about closeness to God when I was a kid. That when we choose to do acts of kindness and goodness and have gratitude for all life…we are close to God.

SUICIDE: Warning Signs, Interventions, Survivors Guilt & What to do if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts and feelings

in My Work & Research / Suicide Prevention by Robin Mohilner June 8, 2011 0 comments

Suicide – Warning Signs

NOTICE: Severity of symptoms.

Is depression or mania so severe that it is disrupting one’s ability to function and take care of oneself. This is an alert to ASK if someone is having suicidal thoughts and feelings.

ASK: Are you having suicidal thoughts? Do you have a plan to commit suicide?

If someone has suicidal thoughts/intentions and has a plan, it is necessary that you take action in the interventions below.

NOTICE: Have they isolated themselves?

Isolation is a HUGE warning sign of danger. Usually suicide occurs in ISOLATION.

NOTICE: Are they participating in activities that put their life in harm OR do they have beliefs about their own abilities that could put their life in harm?

Suicide is NOT always intentional. Sometimes suicide is an accident. It is common for people to accidentally commit suicide when mania is present because of the experience of omnipotence / invincibility.

NOTICE: Are they giving away their belongings or saying “Goodbye” to people.

This is common behavior for people who are preparing to stop living.

Many people commit suicide on an impulse because they cannot take the pain any longer.

It is important to check in with people and understand how they are coping and tolerating the pain of mental illness or circumstances in their lives.

The key is if someone has a plan for suicide and a means to carry it out, they are lethal to themselves.

I can’t stress this enough: Suicide happens in ISOLATION. A key to prevent suicide is to prevent ISOLATION.

Interventions to Prevent Suicide

INTERVENTION: Do NOT let someone that is suicidal be alone.

This may mean having family members and friends perform a 24 hour watch.

It does require for people to remain in consistent contact with their loved ones by having check-ins through-out the day and night until stability is reached for the person at risk for suicide.

If someone is still threatening to attempt suicide or attempting suicide even with all of the support of their family and friends….they should be voluntarily or involuntarily hospitalized. You can do this by calling 911.

INTERVENTION: Talk about suicide with the person you are concerned about.

Many people are afraid to talk about suicide…talk about suicide with them anyway.

Talking about suicide will NOT cause or help someone to commit suicide, unless you give them ideas about ways to kill themselves and the means to kill themselves.

INTERVENTION: Inform them that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

It is so easy to forget that pain is temporary, even if it lasts for a very long time. People forget this. You MUST remind them by talking about suicide.

INTERVENTION: Sit beside them. Be with them.

Join them in their pain. Sit beside them and just be with them and listen to them if they feel like talking…if not, just hold their hand.

You don’t have to DO anything to prevent suicide. You just have to BE there…be with someone who is suicidal.

Unfortunately, if someone truly wants to commit suicide…there is nothing you can do to stop them. In the moment they get alone, they will commit suicide.

If someone you know has commit suicide. I want you to know that it is not your fault. It truly is not your fault.

Survivor’s Guilt

When someone commits suicide it changes the lives of everyone who cares about them. It does irreparable damage.

The people left behind often blame themselves. “If only I had been there! If only I had known how badly they were hurting! If only I had done something!”

I want you to know it is NOT your fault.

You did not know. You could not see it. You cannot be responsible for what can’t see and don’t know.

You did the best that you could with the resources you had available to you at the time.

Currently Having Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings

If you are currently having suicidal thoughts and feelings. Fight it! Do not isolate yourself. Tell someone.

Tell someone, “I am in danger. I need your help. I cannot be alone right now.” If they ask you why, “Right now I have the desire to take my life. I need you to help me stay alive.”

If you are having suicidal thoughts and feelings, I want you to know that

YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.

Your life matters.

Suicide is a permanent solution for temporary pain…

even if the pain has lasted for a really long time.

Get Help

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

Let’s Talk About Suicide & 5 Ways to Take Life Back

in Actions / Ideas: Ways to Thrive by Robin Mohilner June 27, 2010 0 comments

When people have suicidal thoughts and desires, we so often dance around those thoughts and feelings.

Instead, we go right into fix it mode. We write out a “no suicide contract”, assess, increase or change medication, develop a safety plan and support, assess for risk, intention, and a plan of action to carry suicide out successfully. When we’re done with all of that, we build hope.

Rarely do we ever talk about what the thoughts and feelings that cause someone to really want to die.

Here are some things that people have shared with me when I’ve listened to them when they really want to commit suicide:

“I want the pain to end.”

“I want the suffering to end.”

“I want off of this emotional roller-coaster NOW.”

“I want the feelings of being trapped in their body to end.”

“I feel alone. I feel I don’t belong. I feel no sense of purpose and value. I feel like a burden to others.”

“I want to die because I can’t see my circumstances getting any better. I want my circumstances to end.

I feel out of control in my own mind and body and ending my life is the only act of taking control that I feel I can do.”

“I am carrying the burden or weight of not only my own life, but also the lives of so many other people and I can’t do it anymore.”

“I want the numbness to end.”

When I really listen, I am able to understand…

They don’t want LIFE to end.

They want these horrible feelings and thoughts to end.

They want to be able to take their life back.

5 Ways to Take Life Back

We can’t always change the pain and suffering we feel. Nonetheless, we can change, influence and define the meaning we give pain and suffering and how we respond to it.
We can learn how to identify what triggers our emotional roller-coasters and understand what fuels it. With this understanding we can intervene when triggered and remove the fuel of the roller-coaster before it takes control.
When we feel trapped in our bodies or disconnected from our bodies, we can re-connect with our body by focusing on breathing deeply, feeling our lungs fill with air and our heart beat. We can notice the world through our senses – touch, taste, smell, sound, sight etc.
We can recognize that everyone comes into life with a bucket of shit and a shovel. Our goal is to keep other people’s shit (ex. pain, negativity, judgment, criticism, issues, fears etc) out of our bucket. And we don’t have to let other people’s shit cause us to feel bad about ourselves and be isolated. We can stop carrying other people’s shit on our shoulders…and use our own shit to help us grow something beautiful.
We can learn how to not use our thoughts and feelings to go against ourselves. We can learn to think in ways that are not abusive of ourselves; that support us, nurture us and open our mind and heart to our own abilities, belonging, purpose and worth.