Things we forget while waiting for antidepressants to kick in
Depression causes everyone it touches to forget that there was ever a time when depression was not in their lives.
When we, people living with bipolar disorder or depression, finally decide that it’s time for antidepressants and/or mood stabilizers, it takes at least two incredibly long weeks for them to start to work.
We really feel those 336 hours go by as though it was 336 years. We have no reason to believe that the medication is ever going to work.
Some of us already feel dead; meanwhile others of us are trying really hard not to commit suicide. Anyone who tells us to think positive thoughts needs to be yelled at. To the person experiencing depression, it feels permanent, any other possibility is hard to believe.
Depression causes us to forget who we are. If we are able to remember, it causes us to think of ourselves in terms of “who we were”. Depression gives us a new identity.
The identity depression gives us is:
- “I hate my life.”
- “I can’t remember ever being happy.”
- “I don’t like doing anything.”
- “Nothing feels good.”
- “There is nothing good about me.”
- “I’d rather be dead.”
If depression lets us focus, it doesn’t allow for there to be pleasure in anything. And when depression partners with anxiety (which it loves to do) all we can think about is the worst possible thing that could happen and believe that it is the only possible thing that can happen.
Things depression wants us to forget about ourselves:
- “There was a time when depression wasn’t even in my life.”
- “I still am the person I was before the depression was here.”
- “I like my life much of the time.”
- “I appreciate my life and have a lot to be grateful for.”
- “I like people.”
- “I am loveable. I love someone and they love me.”
- “People care about me and want me in their lives.”
- “I have everything I need and a lot of what I want.”
- “I laugh a lot. I see humor in life.”
- “By being here I make other people’s lives a little better.”
- “I’m a good person.”
- “People like me.”
Things we forget about depression:
- Often depression comes into our lives when nothing has changed OR when we feel powerless about changes taking place. It comes into our lives when we fear change or anticipate overwhelm, instability, insecurity, loss or uncertainty. It comes into our lives during times of perceived threat.
- Depression affects how and what we think and how and what we feel. How and what we think and feel often has nothing to do with what is actually taking place in our lives.
- Depression, and its partner called Anxiety, get their power by focusing on what could happen and what might happen. However, their power rarely comes from what is actually happening.
- Most of what we worry about never happens.
- Depression limits our thinking. Our spectrum of thinking goes: LOUSY…BAD…WORSE…EVEN WORSE…HORRIBLE…HATE LIFE…RATHER BE DEAD. There is no space for other ways of thinking.
- Depression needs fuel. When we believe that the feelings and thoughts of depression are permanent, when we believe that depression is who we are…we fuel depression. When we isolate ourselves or hide the depression from those we love by smiling and pretending to be fine, we fuel depression.
I am in the throes of another depression after going off my meds – what a mistake – on them again for a month- building up my previous dosage and on an additonal new one to help me with my insomnia. The depressive thoughts that are outlined in this article ring true to me. I will keep re-reading the positive ones. I have been here before – it’s an awful place. I will never make the mistake of going off my medication again. Anyone share my pain. I know I must be patient and hopeful. I got better before but it feels so awful – it’s hard to hang on. I am supported medically and emotionally but I still feel so alone with this. Please someone reply.
Kathy,
I want you to know that you are not alone.
There are so many people who right now are questioning whether or not they should stop taking their medication because they are feeling better.
And there are people who feel like they made a mistake too by getting off of their medication. They too are struggling and suffering. They too are pulling through the awfulness with you.
You are not alone.
With care,
Robin
Hi Robin Thanks for the email – feeling pretty rough today after a not so good night sleepwise. Thought I had that under control with my medication. “Awfulness” – that’s a good word for it. . I am not actually bipolar but clinically depressed so I sure know how the depressive part of that illness feels. Thanks for the encouragement.
I agree
I am so fearful that I will never be me again or a part of who I used to be. A smile a laugh a good time with family and friends are a thing of the past I am so afraid I lost me forever. I wonder every day is the pain worth living through and do I want to enure it. Anyone with the same feelings would help give me hope
Bara
Hi Bara,
You are not alone. Hundreds of people feeling that depression has stolen their laughter, their smile and their joy with family and friends have read this article and remembered that these feelings are temporary. The pain is temporary.
Doing anything to stop living is a permanent solution for temporary pain. Please continue to give medication, therapy and your support system time to help you start to feel like yourself again.
To find resources and referrals in your area for support, call *211.
With Hope,
Robin
Severe anxiety and depression was the last diagnosis I got. My therapist recently told me to stop the story of “I’m crazy” and reading your blog helped me see why. On the issue of recurring depression, It seems every 4 months I have a big crash and in between times I’m a little blue with some good bursts. Keeping moving and momentum has been the most helpful way of coping – it actually turns my mostly blue to mostly sunny.
What I find difficult is explaining to loved ones that I’m not a different person, or a weaker person. It hurts to hear that from them when I’m trying to convince myself otherwise. I was strong and confident before depression. I was capable before depression. I can be those things again – I don’t laze about to use people or drain them. I’m not trying to be an asshole, sometimes I just can’t try anything.
Thanks for your blog, I really need to keep my momentum right now and finding this will help, I hope.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with us Katie!
I have transferred this blog and far more to my website https://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com
You can also join “Thrive With Bipolar Disorder” on Facebook
With Appreciation,
Robin
Robin
I have recently been involved with a lady who is 38 years old who has been diagnosed with copd severe depression and anxiety we have dated for 3 months it was fantastic time for me however she kept saying that her body was shutting down? I didnt realy understand this and she assured me it wasn’t me it was her depression and anxiety. I have PTSD and also depression and have been in counseling for 20 years through the VA hospital for my PTSD I am a war Vet. On her birthday she told me that she didnt think she could ever have a relationship with anyone not just me and we should not see each other any more and i could leave her a message. I respect that she needs time alone and by herself so i do not want to push her however i am heartbroken and have no idea how to help her or if i should help her. Her mother is her support system and she assured me this was just the way she was when she gets overwhelmed. I feel so helpless and I love this woman so much i don’t know what to do.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks Rob in INDY
I had been taking 200 mg of Zoloft for about ten years after going through several bouts of depression as a young man and not seeking help or sticking w the meds. About the time I got married I resolved to just take the meds and be responsible. I should have heeded my wife’s advice in February when I told her I was going to wean off. I did so under my GPs care but we all know that means jack. By the time I was almost off I crashed into the abyss. I quickly realized I needed to go back up but the damage was done. I only missed one day at work due to a panic attack and am back up to the original dose while using ativan to tame the anxiety. I went from someone so strong able to work two jobs who just bought a house to someone so anxious and full of self doubt and loathing in just months. While I am confident the meds will do their job the scars are permanent as are all the ones I bare from past experiences with the black dog. I really wish I had been born without this disorder. It scares the shit out of me!
Does anyone find that group sessions with others who experience this devastating depression and anxiety help and possibly encourage getting through these very dark episodes.